In the Name of Love

A Philosopher Looks at Our Deepest Emotions

Aaron Ben-Zeév is President and Professor of Philosophy at the University of Haifa. His books include: In the Name of Love: Romantic Ideology and its Victims. See full bio

November 14, 2008, Philosophy

Comments on "Is It Possible To Love What One Has?"

Is It Possible To Love What One Has?

By Aaron Ben-Zeév, Ph.D. on November 14, 2008 in In the Name of Love

A prevailing view argues that romantic love burns itself out upon the attainment of its goal-the possession of the loved one. I will briefly examine two major reasons supporting this view: the role of change and the role of idealization in love. I will then point out the limitations of such a view. Read More

I want to read the whole book now!

Submitted by Sammy on November 15, 2008 - 1:22pm.

This is very useful. Thanks so much for this excerpt.

Idealisation isn't hard to figure out, but I never thought about love with regard to how emotions arise from change and the states of incompleteness and complexity.

Up until now I can say that from an intellectual standpoint I learned the most about love from reading Barthes' "A Lover's Discourse: Fragments". [wow, I just realised that Barthes' book is fragmentary, which is to say incomplete, and thus mirrors its subject.]

I can't say I ever looked at

Submitted by Elle on November 15, 2008 - 5:52pm.

I can't say I ever looked at love in that light, but it makes a lot of sense... it makes divorce, cheating, etc make so much more sense... and why couples who have spontaneous vacations at least once a year are able to stay so close.

But then long-distance relationships are so difficult to maintain, even though they should work well in this context... lack of physical intimacy, maybe?

Tim Burton and his wife's two houses connected by a hallway plan works stunningly well, clever people.

I have been following this

Submitted by O. on November 17, 2008 - 4:47am.

I have been following this blog from the very beginning, at times I found myself waiting for a new release. I deeply admire the author's continuous quest for letting reason prevail over emotions, and the benefit of such approach is so obvious. I am able to apply reason to all areas of life, and the results achieved always leave me satisfied. Not so in love. While my mind follows the logical arguments, and they indeed guide my behavior, my heart just won't. My heart keeps hoping that the ideals of romantic love, as unrealistic as they may be, will ultimately win. No argument can end the longing, very painful at times. Is it more difficult to apply reason to love than to other areas of life?

i have been following

Submitted by Aaron Ben-Zeév, Ph.D. on November 18, 2008 - 6:53pm.

I am grateful for these kind comments. Realizing the value of the blog to other people is quite meaningful for me and encourages me to further write on these most interesting issues. I agree with the author that the dissonance between the mind (intellectual considerations) and the heart (emotional attitudes) is particularly difficult in love. I can easily understand, and see the value in the author's position. There are, however, other cases in which people decide to disregard their loving heart. It is so hard to know which way is the optimal one, as both can lead to painful consequences or pleasurable heights. In different circumstances a different way may be more appropriate (if we can use here this term). Life is complex, and finding the golden path is so difficult.

Thank you so much for this

Submitted by O. on November 18, 2008 - 11:52pm.

Thank you so much for this response.
Yes, the trick is for sure to find the right balance between important, and sometimes conflicting, needs.

You Can't Always Get What You Want

Submitted by Mattress on November 25, 2008 - 9:18am.

This quote from a famous Rolling Stones creation pretty much sums up life, well at least for me. "You can't always get what you want, but if you try sometimes you might find you get what you need." People need desperately to stop searching for the "perfect life, appearance, or what everyone else has." Enjoy what you have when you have it because you just might not have it forever.