"I am my husband's life as fully as he is mine." (Charlotte Bronte, Jane Eyre)
You are everything I hoped for, you are everything I need. (Joe Cocker)
The popular claim that "All you need is love" seems to imply that your lover can and should satisfy all your needs. This suggestion is not without problems.
A major difficulty in believing that one person can satisfy each and every one of your needs better than several people is illustrated by way of analogy: a tool that is designed for multiple purposes is likely to be less efficient than a tool that is intended to fulfill a specific task. Thus, using a multipurpose knife to cut both meat and vegetables produces slices that are less clean and precise than those produced using two separate knives for each task. Likewise, a race car may function well for racing, but would be highly inconvenient for family trips.
In the same vein, Laura Kipnis claims that the female clitoris, which is devoted exclusively to pleasure, is far superior to the multi-tasking penis in producing constant sexual pleasure. This may be associated with the fact that "women are the ones capable of multi-orgasm, like a sexual 24-7... multiple-orgasm store." Clitoral orgasms are also "far more powerful and thrilling." The downside of a very specific tool is that it requires greater proficiency for its use and can be valuable only in the very specific circumstances for which it was designed. Accordingly, the one-purpose clitoris is more efficient in generating ongoing intense sexual pleasure, but its use requires higher proficiency and is limited to more specific circumstances. Thus, although women are more capable of multi-orgasm, it is more difficult for them to have an orgasm. One survey found that whereas 75% of men report always having orgasms, only 29% of women say the same.
The operation of the multipurpose penis is easier and is less discriminating; it is, however, limited to a single orgasm and, hence, to a one-time show. (In some cases, as Kipnis notices, after much hard work and begging, an encore may be provided as well.) These differences may partly explain why women tend to enjoy superficial casual sex less than do men, and they frequently seek the special circumstances associated with romantic love. The simpler nature of the penis may be one reason why finding a drug, such as Viagra, for improving women's sexual performances is much more complicated than finding such a drug for men.
The discriminatory aspect associated with the optimal function of the clitoris may be related to the woman's need for the absence of mental distractions. The complexity involved in preventing such distractions is one reason for the difficulty women face in reaching orgasms. In this sense, becoming familiar with each other and engaging in romantic exclusivity may make women more comfortable and reduce the amount of distraction. It seems that cyberspace provides better circumstances for being undistracted, as it enables lovers to enjoy their own private enclosed environment. Hence, women testify that it is often easier for them to achieve multiple orgasms while being on the Internet.
In addition to the psychological difference between clitoris and the penis, their different anatomical structure is also relevant for the difficulties in giving pleasure to both parties. According to Shere Hite, conventional sexual intercourse, in which penis is inserted into the vagina, cannot maximizing sexual pleasure to women. In an interview she argues that women have orgasms more easily when masturbating than when having intercourse. This is because the clitoris, the stimulation of which leads to orgasm, is situated above the entrance to the vagina, where it is mostly inaccessible to the thrusting movement of the penis.
As in the case of tools, a "multipurpose romantic partner" has its own advantages and disadvantages, too. Although the capabilities of a multipurpose partner depend on the context and on his or her personality, it is highly improbable that one person alone can satisfy all our personal needs. We need more than our lover. Nevertheless, some degree of exclusivity is essential in personal relationships.
The fact that romantic love demands the use of a substantial amount of our resources has been translated into the normative requirement that one should have only one romantic partner at any given time; hence, this person should fulfill all (or at least most) of one's needs. The assumption that one person can and should satisfy all the needs of another person is obviously problematic especially concerning some types of needs, for example, intellectual stimulation, psychological support, and social connections. Nevertheless, many people still believe that it is better, from a normative point of view, to have most of the beloved's needs satisfied by one person. Exclusivity is of no relevance to intellectual needs. On the contrary, underlying the intellectual needs is the curiosity to enlarge our knowledge and be aware of novel perspectives and phenomena. Unlike emotions, which are quite focused, curiosity is unrestrained.
In social relationships, the issue of exclusivity is of some relevance, but not to a great extent. It is clear that one cannot have social relationships with everyone, as these relations require resources such as time that are in limited supply, but it does not follow that all a person's social needs could and should be satisfied by her partner. Normatively, and particularly in the case of married people, the type of needs that are expected to be fulfilled by only one person are the sexual needs. Only in the sexual realm are people required to limit themselves to one multipurpose partner and avoid having different partners for their sexual needs. Iris, a divorcee who had two lovers at the same time, expresses doubts about whether the multipurpose partner can address all needs in a sexual relationship: "My attention is split-but the attention each of them gets is very different. I am actually wondering if I want a 'constant companion.' I don't know if I want marriage or exclusivity. I may only want a part-time lover. I am starting to ... recognize that I may not want to have someone in my life 24/7" (see In the Name of Love).
It remains to be seen whether, in the near future, norms will alter to the extent that married people will be able to "join the party" and will not be expected to limit themselves to one multipurpose partner. It is clear, however, that for many people, the "all" that they need is not merely one lover.
