So many men, so little time. Mae West
Nowadays, one of the most exciting social, as well as romantic, sites to visit is cyberspace. At any moment, millions of people are surfing that space, socializing with each other or having romantic affairs. Their number is growing by the minute. Why do people feel compelled to leave the comfortable surroundings of their actual world and immerse themselves in this seductive space? Why are emotions so intense in this seemingly imaginary world? What is the lure of the Net?
The major features responsible for the great romantic seductiveness of cyberspace are imagination, interactivity, availability, and anonymity (see Love Online).
Imagination, which plays a major role in cyberspace, makes this space seductive since it can free us from the limits imposed by our bodies and by our contexts. Imagination has hardly any practical constraints, and it enables one to depict oneself and the other in a most positive and seductive light-much better than in reality. Online imagination can also complete, in an exciting manner, details upon which our online companions might remain vague. Imagination can, therefore, entertain our wildest fantasies. As someone who has participated in cybersex says: "Just as in personal fantasy, you don't have to worry about mechanics-your legs stretch as wide open as you wish, there are no unseemly smells or tastes or textures, and your partner looks precisely as good as you want him or her to look" (cited in Semans & Winks, The Woman's Guide to Sex on the Web).
Interactivity is what distinguishes cyberspace from other imaginative realities. In cyberspace people are not merely imagining themselves to be with an attractive person, they are actually interacting with such a person. Indeed, the reported actions are sexually more daring and exciting. You can do things in cyberspace that you would never do in real offline circumstances. The interactivity of cyberspace fosters a crucial aspect of romantic relationships: reciprocity. Mutual attraction is the most highly valued characteristic in a potential mate-this is true for both sexes. People like to hear that they are desired. It is easier to express reciprocity in cyberspace, as it requires fewer resources or real actions, and self-disclosure is greater.
Cyberspace is an alternative, available environment providing people with easy access to many available and desired options. It is easy and not costly to reach desired partners and easy to perform desired actions. It is easier to find romantic partners in cyberspace than at bars, shopping malls, or supermarkets. Cyberspace is also highly available in the sense that it is highly accessible. Connections to cyberspace are everywhere-home, work, hotels, and even cafes-and logging in is simple and inexpensive. One does not have to do much or invest significant resources in order to step into this imaginative paradise. Millions of people are eagerly waiting for you on the Net every moment of the day. They are available and it is easy to find them. (You must remember, however, that, as is true in offline life, most of those people will not suit or interest you.) The great availability is associated with frequent novel changes, and this makes cyberspace more dynamic, unstable, and exciting.
The anonymity associated with cyberspace reduces the risks of online activities. Such anonymity decreases vulnerability and the weight of social norms, and hence makes people feel safer and freer to act according to their desires. In offline circumstances, the fear of harmful consequences is one of the major obstacles to conducting many romantic affairs and to significant self-disclosure in those that are conducted. Because of the greater sense of security, self-disclosure is also more prevalent in cyberspace-this in turn increases intimacy and, accordingly, the seductiveness of online relationships is further enhanced.
The above features of cyberspace increase the lure of the Net and make people feel more excited, comfortable, free, and safe while engaging in an online romantic affair. A woman notes: "I experienced cybersex for the first time and I have never been so turned on in my life! It gave birth to and brought out my ‘animal.' We reveled in fantasyland. It was a constant daily fever-what a rush" (cited in Love Online). It has been claimed that cyberspace enables one to have more sex, better sex, and different sex. Since many moral and practical constraints are lifted in the Net, people can more easily make sexual contacts when and with whom they want. Cybersex can be more intense, relaxed, and satisfactory-it may also be conducted with people who are not available for offline sexual activities.
Cyberspace provides an easy and desired alternative to the difficult circumstances of real life. When attempts are made to transfer this alternative to offline affairs, some of its advantages may disappear. As Lisa remarks: "I personally have only had cybersex with one person-and although I was alone, it was probably the best sex of my life. Would I want to have real sex with this guy? Of course I think I would, but I'm smart enough to know that it is the separation of reality and fantasy that makes the whole cybersex thing so sexy" (cited in Love Online).
A significant advantage of cyberspace is that it is different: it provides desirable situations over and above those found in offline circumstances. It is not an advantage however, if people are unable to draw the lines between online and offline worlds. Blurring the lines is dangerous as it abolishes the advantages of each world. Learning to live within two worlds is difficult as well. The price of the greater freedom available online is the risk of being captured by your own desire. As the Eagles put it in their "Hotel California": "we are all just prisoners here of our own device." Cyberspace should complement, rather than substitute for, offline life. Accordingly, people should be moderate in their use of the Internet; thus, they might limit the amount of time they spend online. In light of the great lure of cyberspace, such limitation is hard to achieve as the risk of sliding down the slippery slope is so high.
