"Love brings to light the high and the hidden qualities of the lover -- what is rare and exceptional about him: to this extent, love easily misleads about his ordinary traits." (Beyond Good and Evil, section 163)

This is the biggest load of crap I've ever heard.

I find it interesting that you could explore this topic without once mentioning either "polyamory" or "ethical non-monogamy" or looking into what those concepts entail for your subject.

Every example you give shows various forms of infidelity -- relationships being hidden -- when, in fact, the polyamorous community has been dealing with the unique vs. exclusive issue for decades, and face it in an open, honest, and communicative manner.

In all fairness to Anonymous above, it's not an attitude that is adopted by the mainstream nor is it a lifestyle that everyone could or should adopt, but for many people, having open, honest, loving relationships with multiple people is a fact of life, not a curiosity, as you seem to present it.

I think that people in the poly community should realize that they have ideals that are expressed in such a way that only perfection can meet the standards. And yes, in ideal polyamory, one is always up front and open with everyone so that no lies are needed, and everyone involved has full disclosure and consent. But that is not the real world. Just as in monogamous relationships there is an ideal of exclusivity, it is an ideal that is seldom met. Less than half the people in relationships of any kind have not had at least one affair with someone else, according to people who follow such things with surveys.

For me, living n the real world, what the doctor describes as a shift to recognition of the uniqueness vs exclusivity is an improvement over lies and cheating in relationships. Openness is important for healthy life, being authentic rather than caught in lies is better for one than living in deceit. It would be nice if the poly community could encourage that rather than slam people for not being as perfect as they claim to be.

Rog-man... this ain’t a curiosity, this is just stupid. You pinned it on the head bro... All of the examples given are of various forms of infidelity, and involve deceit. That’s why this article is complete crap. I completely agree with you on this point - if two people want to screw around, and the primary partner (and the other partners) all know it and are cool with it, it’s cool. I wouldn’t want anything to do with it, but fine, that’s why I wouldn’t do it. What I’m getting at is this… If a man screws around on his woman without her knowing it, and if she does know it, not being OK with it, he’s punk, pure and simple. If a woman screws on her man without him knowing it, and if he does know it, not being OK with it, she’s a two bit Ho, pure and simple. And no matter who knows it, it either of these people have kids, (who desperately need them for nurturing, guidance, emotional health/growth, love and stability), and instead of giving them that they are jumping from bed to bed with “multiple partners”, their scum, period.

Having intense anger towards a viewpoint that stems outside of traditional monogomy shows little appreciation for the uniqueness of others ( the basis of love) and may suggest a propensity to live in jealous unions ruled by assigned exclusivity rather than desired exclusivity. I find my boyfriend to be unique in that he has all of the qulaities I am looking for in another human being and those are uniquely valued by my personal standard. For this reason I have no desire to stray and it seems he doesn't either based on a similiar sentiment regarding me. Not to say there aren't temptations, these just simply pale in comparison to the greater love we have. If either of us were to stray, however, we would not reduce the other to a "ho" or "punk". Everything I find uniquely appealing in my boyfriend does not disappear in a single act. Our relationship may not last such a set back, but I'm not so pompus or insecure to take another's cheating as completely negating all that is good in them.

I can understand this, but it's written largely from the point of view of the third party in these relationships and gives no consideration to the feelings and views of the party in the supposedly committed relationship. Ideally, what you say is correct, but we have no idea what the wives feel about their husband's adultery, do we?

I recently went through this when my girlfriend met someone online and continued that relationship in life. I'm still with her, but it's on shaky ground. Where I began with a feeling of uniqueness with her, I've ended up battling the idea that I'm not because of her transgression. The breach of trust served to obliterate my liberal attitude toward meeting others in this way, therefore I've had to restrict what can or can't be done if she is to stay with me. It met with some opposition at first, but I'm not willing to be in an open relationship. I require monogamy--this after years of experimenting with various attitudes. Now everyday is a struggle, and I owe it to my, I won't say "limited exlusivity," but my liberal nature.

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