Don't you know that you are all my life to me? ... My whole being, my love... I cannot think about you and about myself separately. You and I are one to me (Vronsky to Anna, in Tolstoy's Anna Karenina).
To live without your love is just impossible (Elvis Presley).
We yearn to experience the idealized love depicted in so many novels, movies, poems, and popular songs, all of which help to form what we call "Romantic Ideology." Romantic Ideology can be found in various forms, yet it seems that there are certain basic elements that are common to most of its manifestations. The basic characteristics of the Romantic Ideology relate to the profundity, the uniqueness, and the purity of love (see In the Name of Love: Romantic Ideology and its Victims).
The profundity of love
The profundity of love in Romantic Ideology relates to three major aspects: its profound significance, its ability to prevail, and long duration. Accordingly, love gives meaning to our life ("You are everything to me"), love can overcome all obstacles ("True love will find a way"), and love aims at the eternal (we shall love each other "forever and a day").
The uniqueness of the beloved
The two lovers are fused into a unique entity ("We are soul-mates who are meant for each other"), the beloved is irreplaceable ("There is only one true love"), and exclusive ("Millions of people go by, but they all disappear from view- because I only have eyes for you").
The purity of love
Love is morally good ("Love can do no evil"; "I am in love with an angel"). Love and the beloved both have their own intrinsic value and are morally pure.
Underlying the above features of ideal love is its total (in the sense of comprehensive), uncompromising (in the sense of inflexible), and unconditional (i.e., unaffected by the conditions of reality) nature. Totality refers to the fact that all aspects of the beloved and the loving experience are part of this optimal state. The uncompromising aspect of ideal love refers to the lover's own attitude toward the beloved: this attitude cannot accept "maybe," "to a certain extent," or "gradually" as adequate loving terms. Ideal love is unconditional in the sense that reality cannot change it; accordingly, it disregards reality and considers love to be beyond the reach of mundane altering events. It is also unconditional in the sense of willingness to give everything to the beloved. These attitudes are expressed by so many lovers, fictional and real. For example, Lynn, a divorcee, said "when in love I know that I will do anything for this person-love is unconditional."
As in the case of other ideologies, Romantic Ideology also plays a central role in the life of its believers and especially in determining their happiness: certainly when we're in love, other problems become insignificant. However, romantic love is also a major factor in people's misery, as it involves many disappointments and unfulfilled hopes. It has been claimed that Western culture has no history of happy romantic love within marriage. Love may be "many splendid things," but love also hurts a lot, can be dangerous, and may lead us to foolish deeds. Committing suicide because of unrequited love is not an unusual story; it is even regarded as a perfect instance of true love. Men who killed their wives also hold the Romantic Ideology.
Despite such prevailing descriptions of love, most people are aware of the great difficulty in fulfilling this love. The encouragement to seek ideal love and the sober belief that this is an almost impossible task are intertwined in our paradoxical thinking about love. As Lynn says, "I am a victim of romantic ideology-I can feel the tendency toward shame knowing that I am so much like these descriptions. Even though I know that I have been seduced by songs, movies, and the pervasive, powerful, and influential messages about how love should look and feel, I believe I am now much more realistic than that. I see now how so much of the time I am not... and I have allowed myself to be seduced." Nevertheless, Lynn still believes in the great value of Romantic Ideology, which "like The North Star guides us through choppy seas and from distant shores, never to be reached, but valuable nonetheless."
In Romantic Ideology love is our life and the fate of our love is the fate of our life. This identification makes lovers disregard life; as long as they are in love, there is nothing else to consider. Lovers feel that their love lets them experience life again, and this time from a new promising perspective. It is no wonder that lovers often say to their beloved something to the tune of: "You have given me a new life again. This must be reincarnation," "You have changed everything for me," "You have made me the happiest person in the universe," and "I can't live without you any more." In this ideology, love is taken seriously, while life-as much as it concerns other aspects beside love-is taken lightly. When love disappears there is no sense of living anymore or even of letting others live on (as in the case of men who killed their wives "out of love").
Although the chances of entirely fulfilling Romantic Ideology are next to nil, and most people are aware of its difficulties, many people still believe that this ideology expresses what love should be and wish their own love to be just like this.
There is no doubt that love is central to our lives, but should it be so central? Statistics of divorces and breakups underscore the puzzle of Romantic Love today: Shouldn't we be better when not adopting the Romantic Ideology? And yet we persist. Would we not feel more fulfilled and profoundly happier if love would not be so central? Would we not give love a better chance, if it were considered less profound and central?
