In the Name of Love

A philosopher looks at our deepest emotions

Loving Two People at the Same Time

Empirical evidence clearly suggests that humans are capable of loving and having sex with more than one person at the same time. Nevertheless, it is not obvious how to explain this phenomenon as emotions are typically partial and exclusive. Read More

Love isn't Sex

Thanks for an interesting post. But shouldn't we be clear what we're talking about when we get into this sort of thing? First, there is nothing intrinsic to love or sexual desire that implied exclusivity or partiality. Lust (in Paradise or not) clearly doesn't differentiate much in terms of emotional connection. And love is not a zero-sum game. We love our children equally, without having to portion our love out in calculated sums. Many men (and women) are not only capable of imagining their beloved in the arms of another, but are turned on by the thought. To me, it seems that our cultural insistence that monogamy is somehow "natural" is the bizarre phenomenon in need of explanation -- not the appetite for erotic variety.

I am happily married to my sole mate, but met a woman who I feel is also my sole mate

I have been with the love of my life for 11 years. We have been married for 7 years and we are so very happy. He is my other half. I recently re-connected with an old girl friend of mine. We didn't know each other that well when we first met and then she moved away. Since that time we have both grown and evolved as people and feel like we popped back into each others life at a great time. She is the best friend I never had. She gets me completely - on a level I've never experienced before with anyone. I love her. I love him. I don't see my life without both of them. We had an attraction towards each other from the beginning and my husband, her and I had a 3-some. It was amazing. Then, after a few times my hubby started to feel insecure and felt as though she was taking a part of me away from him emotionally. I understand that out of respect for our marriage, we probably need cut out the sex thing. I'm willing to do that! I love her for her, not the sex - that was just a bonus. I had lunch with a friend of mine who told me its going to ruin my marriage (a guy friend who has had a thing for me and I think he might have a biased opinion). He said I have to call it off with her and not speak to her anymore. I feel in my gut that he's wrong. I know something has to change to make my husband happy and I'm willing to make sacrifices! But, she is so important to me. She's told me before she loves me and if the sex had to stop, she would understand because she agrees - its not about the sex. I need hope right now. I don't want to hear from the people who think its never going to work. I want to hear from the people who see a light at the end of this tunnel and I want to know how you see this working out. Thank you for taking the time to help a girl that has no one to talk to and no where to turn.

There's just one thing I

There's just one thing I could say...don't give up on your best friend..if you really do love her,stay in her life.don't push her away..life is too short to worry about so many things..just enjoy it..people are the ones making their life complicated,but the truth is,life is just black or white..if you want her to stay in your life,then let her..if you don't want her to stay,then let her go..as simple as that...but I suggest that you fight for what you want..listen to your intuition..just don't let your husband feel that he's being left out.its all about balance..it can work out.it will..but it all depends on how you handle having two lovers at the same time...

In love with two people

I believe we are conditioned from birth to be in love with only one person in the same way we're conditioned to have certain religious beliefs. That conditioning is incredible hard to break. The consoling factor here IMO is that is slowly evolving and although I probably wont see it in my lifetime (though I see signs of it now), I believe humanity will evolve into that, and that is a good thing

I believe in it

I really do believe that you can be in love with two people. I know how it feels to find your soul mate and and this personal does everything just the way you like. I know that your life wouldn't be the same if you didn't have them in ur life.

Then you run into that person that you also had s connection with, but was young (both of y'all) and you guys go off and do you own thing.

I'm going through it now. I have a wife and two kids and then I have the women that is understanding and really just gets me and where im coming from my wife is a great women, mother and partner, but the time spent is different.

Women to women

i'd like some more insight

i'd like some more insight into all of this.
I feel that it's almost impossible to find all things needed/wanted/desired (you choose the word) in just one person which is why we are able to love more than one at a time. Our society isn't fixated on the house and a satisfied husband. Maybe it's about women finally going for what they want/standing up for what they believe in, or perhaps our parents screwed us up, or we have an idea of 'the perfect man/woman, but since it doesn't really exist, we satisfy those needs from various outlets....

I agree. I think it's

I agree. I think it's unrealistic to expect all from one person but most of us go along with it accepting it in silence and finding other activities to compensate (whether relationships or not). BUT WHAT IF one finds the two complementary persons who together represent the ideal man???? It's my situation. I met my soulmate who represents a very important part of me: freedom, hunger for life experiences (all sorts: travel, challenges, etc) when I was 18. We became very close friends for 6 years, I would know about his girlfriends, he would know about my boyfriends, we would travel together, talk for hours and a certain ambiguity appeared but we never talked about our relation/friendship... Then I found out the day he got married that he was in love with me. I could have never married him then because he wanted someone to follow him and I wanted to do my own things. I married someone very different: a rock that supports me, emotionally stable and keeps me stable. I love him to bits. I have been married for 15 years very happily. But I have always loved and missed in silence my friend too all these years and my husband is slightly aware of it. He re-appeared in my life 2 years ago just at a time when I needed to be more truthfull to myself. We see each other every six months and have finally talked about us and our connection and have kissed. We both have children and want to wait until they grow up. My big worry is that he might not accept sharing me since I don't want to leave my husband who is getting used to the idea...any relevant experiences to share, how do you make it work?

I agree. I think its

I could have written this post practically verbatim. I hear and feel you. I met someone right after my 7th year of marriage. He compliments me very well and we carried on an affair for about 3 years off and on. He left my life for a while and now has returned. He told me that he wishes I wasn't married,but I am and have a small child.

I do want to see him,its a good thing he moved about 3 hrs away.

We talk on the phone,but I have a life now that I cannot leave.

I believe he is my bashert;my other half and twin flame. I do believe in soul mates and my husband and many others around me walk in that path with me.

I went to a past life therapy and saw my soul mate;this man.

I believe that we've been walking through lives together many times,but each time,he would go help others,he would heal with the best intentions and that would leave us from being together.

I'm not sure what to do either. I love him,but I cannot continue this path Ive chosen if we continue to have this half-unfulfilled relationship...

two women

Being in between the love of two women is very trying only because of our social excepted norms. However, I find myself in this situation today. Any advise, it is not possible for me to hurt either one of these beautiful young ladies. Who both are quite apparently in love with me, and I to them.

in love...

Hi my name is lisa...im 27...well,im actually very keen to noe that how do you actually love two person at one time...im in a poasition in one of the woman and that yup like what the others said,its only based on lust...im in a confusion state whereby he is a married man and that we have been together for 3 years....there is no problems between us only the normal ones like financial and etc...but all along in this relationship it has all been good..ive debated with my friends and they did not agree to our relationship. but we love each other...when he goes back to his wife,of course that word jealousy,hatred comes..i tried a few times leaving and asking for break offs but it seems that we are unseperatable.we do plan to get married too...please help me...i need an answer...thamk you...please email me aites

being in love w/ a married man

hello,
i'm in the same situation, i've been seeing this man for 4yrs. now we started as co-workers then friends then well ya know how it adds up, but from day one he's always told me he's happily married and would never leave her. but he says he loves both of us. he's always telling me i need someone that can be there for me 24/7 and i deserve someone better then him. but would really hate to lose me but would understand if i did. my problem is i really love him so much i've never had anyone treat me like he does, and it's not a lust or sex relationship like people think. because we hardly have it. i find myself thinking i do want to have someone around all the time but someone like him, not an ass like i've had. he says all the time that he loves us the same and know one would understand that he is in love w/ two women. i guess what i'm asking is that do you think it's possible to be in love with 2 people, and should i move on i just can't picture myself w/o him though i know it sounds like i already made my mind up. but i need advice. anyone out there that can help me? so everyone that posted they have the samething going on i wish i could give you the answer you need but like i've always been told we can not help who we fall in love with.

Its been 2 years since you posted this

How are things now... Just curious because this resonated with me and a situation I nearly got into...

reply

you should project same situation to this married man and then ask if u would have a husband and at the same time u also love him and have sex with him then will he be accepting you with all love and care what he is showing to you now. if he says "yes" he will accepts you the same way what he feels and showing his love for u then its ok to sacrifice your life for his love towards you but if he says "no" then u have to think again before taking any decision.today he is enjoying company of two women. one for sex and second for his family life and he is not willing to leave any one becoz he is selfish. no woman can share his man with any other women specially sexually.secondly love wants sacrifice, compromise, commitment, loyalty and many more things, its a package. today he is not leaving you for his wife nor he is willing to leave his wife for you.he is enjoying both the ends. today he is showing his love to you, showing his care for you because he needs sex with another woman(you). he needs sexual variety without any responsibility n commitment. simply he is having fun. tomorrow when u will ask for your right, status,respect in society he will say you knew it since very beginning that he is married. he is playing very safely his game.just think again for this dubious relationship.sex is not everything.being a woman you should ask for marriage, children, respect, rights and above all honor in society as a woman who is living with a man who can not give u 100% of himself to u.

relationships

hi lisa, perhaps you can help me , i read your artitcal and i need help. i am madly in love with a man I now live with . The pass 18 mths, alot more to the story . he has another girlfriend who is married , they have been friends and lovers now for 7 yrs. He dosen,t seem to want to give her up , he fights hard at this , but lovesws and wants me to . i don,t understand , some days it is OK and then others very bad for me , He says she is only a friend but i know this is not true!!what can I do !!!

Dee

what happened in the end? Hope it turned out ok for you...

Love two persons at the same time_relationship

Hi frnds,

I am Ishika (girl with the age of 27) would like to share my life experience with you about love.. I was madly in love with someone since my graduation and it was not an infatuation but a deep love from both of our side in fact we both love each other and feel that but never share with each other finally in last year of my graduation he (Raj) proposed me and first I denied but later on I had to accept that I too love him since past 3 years..Our relationship was going fine. Unfortunately our marriage were not possible bcoz of cast difference but still I gave my best to make it possible I did my MBA then started working in MNC spent 3 years and on the same side pushing my parents to approve my and raj marriage..Heads of to the raj for being patience and putting his heart to give every attempt to meet the expectations of my parents he did his CA, CS with a thought, probably my parents get agree with high qualification and reputed person for their daughter.. But still today after 5 years my parents are not agree for him... And I who loves raj a lot and cant see anything without him but can’t go against my parents and take any immoral step. ...

The second side of my life is when raj came into my life there is one other person name Varun who was very good friend of mine had the same feelings of love for me and funny part was that everyone knows that he loves me and I too had a bit idea of that but he never shared his feelings for me so I was not able to reply him back that I am already in love with someone..After 2 years from my graduation he finally proposed me and I confirmed him back that I love someone else... First he cried then he start accepting by saying ok I am your frnd..

Now finally though I am already into an relationship with raj and love him madly, also start feeling love for Varun who is loving me since past 7 years knowing the fact that I love someone else..But our relationship is not possible... Varun always say I just want to see you happy and I will be very happy if you merry with raj but the pain inside his heart is easily visible...I knew he loves me a lot.. He knows that I don’t love him but he still did everything just to see me happy just to make me laugh... For my every happiness he wishes day and night... A pinch of pain to me is simply visible in his eyes... I must say that since past 7 years was didn't had any love feeling for Varun I never ever love him before, no doubt I respect his feeling that he loves me and in fact he was very good frnd of mine but not more than this but yes now I started loving him too.. And I can't live without him...

Only varun's unconditional true and deep love turns my heart and force me to love him back.. now I start feeling that you have a power to compel other person to love you back by just loving him a lot that he never expect and he/she has to start loving you crazily for your pure feelings. let other person start feeling fear to lose you or a feeling that no one else can love me more that this person...

Regards
Ishika

A REAL LOVE STORY OF 8 YEAR LOVE relationship

A REAL LOVE STORY OF 8 YEAR LOVE RELATIONSHIP

hi ishika
i read ur story and totally agree with ur thought of u can compel other person to love u back by just loving him a lot that he or she never expect . since i am in the same dilemma from the past few days and searching for a satisfactory answer and came through ur post .since i am an Indian 24 year old and my dilemma is can a guy devotedly (same as ur love) love two girl at the same time and live together ? as from my view LOVE is universal weather it is a love for ur mother ,wife , girlfriend , father , brother sister , friend love remain the same in each relation as u cannot differentiate love since love is not materialistic which vary with the relations . love is eternal it is the feeling an emotions .
leave me i just want to know that what steps u have taken in ur case with whom u get married to raj or varun and what happened with to either . since it seems to me (i can be wrong) u have hidden ur identity as ur name is not ishika and the other is not raj plz plz plz reply
regards
shahzad

love two person at the same time_relationship

Hi frnds,

I am Ishika (girl with the age of 27) would like to share my life experience with you about love.. I was madly in love with someone since my graduation and it was not an infatuation but a deep love from both of our side in fact we both love each other and feel that but never share with each other finally in last year of my graduation he (Raj) proposed me and first I denied but later on I had to accept that I too love him since past 3 years..Our relationship was going fine. Unfortunately our marriage were not possible bcoz of cast difference but still I gave my best to make it possible I did my MBA then started working in MNC spent 3 years and on the same side pushing my parents to approve my and raj marriage..Heads of to the raj for being patience and putting his heart to give every attempt to meet the expectations of my parents he did his CA, CS with a thought, probably my parents get agree with high qualification and reputed person for their daughter... But still today after 5 years my parents are not agree for him... And I who loves raj a lot and can’t see anything without him, but can’t go against my parents and take any immoral step. ...

The second side of my life is when raj came into my life there is one other person name Varun who was very good friend of mine had the same feelings of love for me and funny part was that everyone knows that he loves me and I too had a bit idea of that but he never shared his feelings for me so I was not able to reply him back that I am already in love with someone..After 2 years from my graduation he finally proposed me and I confirmed him back that I love someone else... First he cried then he start accepting by saying ok I am your frnd..

Now finally though I am already into an relationship with raj and love him madly, also start feeling love for Varun who is loving me since past 7 years knowing the fact that I love someone else..But our relationship is not possible... Varun always say I just want to see you happy and I will be very happy if you merry with raj but the pain inside his heart is easily visible...I knew he loves me a lot.. He knows that I don’t love him but he still did everything just to see me happy just to make me laugh... For my every happiness he wishes day and night... A pinch of pain to me is simply visible in his eyes... I must say that since past 7 years was didn't had any love feeling for Varun I never ever love him before, no doubt I respect his feeling that he loves me and in fact he was very good frnd of mine but not more than this but yes now I started loving him too.. And I can't live without him...

Only varun's unconditional true and deep love turns my heart and force me to love him back.. now I start feeling that you have a power to compel other person to love you back by just loving him a lot that he never expect and he/she has to start loving you crazily for your pure feelings. let other person start feeling fear to lose you or a feeling that no one else can love me more that this person...

Regards
Ishika

A REAL LOVE STORY OF 8 YEAR LOVE relationship

love two person at the same time_relationship

Hi frnds,

I am Ishika (girl with the age of 27) would like to share my life experience with you about love.. I was madly in love with someone since my graduation and it was not an infatuation but a deep love from both of our side in fact we both love each other and feel that but never share with each other finally in last year of my graduation he (Raj) proposed me and first I denied but later on I had to accept that I too love him since past 3 years..Our relationship was going fine. Unfortunately our marriage were not possible bcoz of cast difference but still I gave my best to make it possible I did my MBA then started working in MNC spent 3 years and on the same side pushing my parents to approve my and raj marriage..Heads of to the raj for being patience and putting his heart to give every attempt to meet the expectations of my parents he did his CA, CS with a thought, probably my parents get agree with high qualification and reputed person for their daughter... But still today after 5 years my parents are not agree for him... And I who loves raj a lot and can’t see anything without him, but can’t go against my parents and take any immoral step. ...

The second side of my life is when raj came into my life there is one other person name Varun who was very good friend of mine had the same feelings of love for me and funny part was that everyone knows that he loves me and I too had a bit idea of that but he never shared his feelings for me so I was not able to reply him back that I am already in love with someone..After 2 years from my graduation he finally proposed me and I confirmed him back that I love someone else... First he cried then he start accepting by saying ok I am your frnd..

Now finally though I am already into an relationship with raj and love him madly, also start feeling love for Varun who is loving me since past 7 years knowing the fact that I love someone else..But our relationship is not possible... Varun always say I just want to see you happy and I will be very happy if you merry with raj but the pain inside his heart is easily visible...I knew he loves me a lot.. He knows that I don’t love him but he still did everything just to see me happy just to make me laugh... For my every happiness he wishes day and night... A pinch of pain to me is simply visible in his eyes... I must say that since past 7 years was didn't had any love feeling for Varun I never ever love him before, no doubt I respect his feeling that he loves me and in fact he was very good frnd of mine but not more than this but yes now I started loving him too.. And I can't live without him...

Only varun's unconditional true and deep love turns my heart and force me to love him back.. now I start feeling that you have a power to compel other person to love you back by just loving him a lot that he never expect and he/she has to start loving you crazily for your pure feelings. let other person start feeling fear to lose you or a feeling that no one else can love me more that this person...

Regards
Ishika

A REAL LOVE STORY OF 8 YEAR LOVE relationship

In love with two woment

Nate ,

Finally what happended.

in Similar situation in 2012

regards
Deejay

In love with 2 women.

How did this turn out for you? I find myself currently in love with 2 women. I try to look at pro's & con's in both & I find myself becoming blocked, a fog comes across my mind. I am in such fear of who I will hurt as both of these beautiful women are in love with me. Did you ever feel regretful for being loveable?

Omg....im in the same

Omg....im in the same situation. God, I dont know what to do

Hi... what do you feel? im

Hi... what do you feel? im trying to figure out how to do it too! its hard;( i think i love both

Well I don't think there is

Well I don't think there is always one set solution to any problem so I will give you a couple of ideas that I think might help.

My first piece of advice is to go with the second woman you fell in love with, because if you were truly inlove with the first you would have not fallen for the second.

My second piece of advice is to be completely honest with the both of them. They need to know, and I have always believed that love is tied with honesty. Judge the reactions and go from there.

Third option is really tough. Leave both of them and start fresh. Clearly you need to work on yourself right now and figure out your priorities and what you want in a woman. Work on yourself before you try to work on a relationship.

Fourth option is to make a list. Pros and cons both girls and compare them to each other. Women do this all the time with men. You can either do it by emotions or logistics. But at the end of day it is who will make you the most happiest and who you can see spending the rest of your life with.

Fifth option is a combination of a couple. I say explain to both girls your situation. Then tell them you need some time to figure things out. And then decided whether you want just one, both, or if it is better to just walk away.

Hope this helped.

Well your advice is really

Well your advice is really good when you think about it. Although thats using your brain. If its truly love then its from the heart.
I have a situation whereby its almost the same. I finally decided to move onto one of them. But wait the other that I thought I was going to leave gets pregnant. I believe that there are situations in the earth experience that we truly can not understand. Love is great although it can not be concepualized. We are souls in earth bodies. Thank YOu..

Namaste
Yes

I agree with you as well.

I agree with you as well. There are situations on this earth that we cannot understand. And this is a matter of the heart and soul, not the brain.

I too, am currently in love with two men. Two very different men. One that I believe to be my soulmate. One that I believe is my life partner/best friend. I am lost and basically giving up all expectations to the universe giving me what i need in this lifetime on earth.

My life partner is someone who is my rock. We do not connect on the same level that me and my soulmate connect on. But I look forward to having his children and creating a life together. That being said, I could easily move and be with my soulmate. It would be a very different life. Probably no children, many ups and downs. It is very hard for me to decide. So I won't.

I am not seeing both at this time, just loving both. I am trusting that the universe will give me what i need. That's all I can do at this moment in time.

Peace.

Hi, Not sure if you will

Hi,

Not sure if you will read this but I am in exactly the same situation. I try not to over-analyze it but it is very emotionally strenuous at times. I agree that waiting and seeing what happens i.e trusting that the universe will give you what you need, is the right thing to do. It is exactly what I am doing. Sometimes you cannot escape your fate and the fact this has happened probably has a strong meaning for you on a different level. I would love to talk to you privately and maybe share our views and help each other out through this difficult period. I am a female and about to get married to man 1 while I cannot imagine my life without man 2 who is, rather unusually, also in love with me and his wife and I understand him completely because I feel the same! This is rather a bizarre situation which has never happened to me before!

Email me

I am so happy you reached out and would love to connect with you. It is very hard to find someone who is experiencing this and is open to discussion without judgment. I made a new email address just for the sake of posting it publicly: riojoy80@yahoo.com. Would love to talk further..

Your response...thank you!

I have emailed you to your yahoo address, please check your spam box. More than happy to chat.

Well I don't think there is

Well I don't think there is always one set solution to any problem so I will give you a couple of ideas that I think might help.

My first piece of advice is to go with the second woman you fell in love with, because if you were truly inlove with the first you would have not fallen for the second.

My second piece of advice is to be completely honest with the both of them. They need to know, and I have always believed that love is tied with honesty. Judge the reactions and go from there.

Third option is really tough. Leave both of them and start fresh. Clearly you need to work on yourself right now and figure out your priorities and what you want in a woman. Work on yourself before you try to work on a relationship.

Fourth option is to make a list. Pros and cons both girls and compare them to each other. Women do this all the time with men. You can either do it by emotions or logistics. But at the end of day it is who will make you the most happiest and who you can see spending the rest of your life with.

Fifth option is a combination of a couple. I say explain to both girls your situation. Then tell them you need some time to figure things out. And then decided whether you want just one, both, or if it is better to just walk away.

Hope this helped.

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Aaron Ben-Zeév, Ph.D., former President of the University of Haifa, is Professor of Philosophy. His books include: In the Name of Love: Romantic Ideology and its Victims.

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