In the Name of Love

A philosopher looks at our deepest emotions

by Aaron Ben-Zeév

Loving Two People at the Same Time

By Aaron Ben-Zeév, Ph.D. on March 21, 2008 in In the Name of Love

Empirical evidence clearly suggests that humans are capable of loving and having sex with more than one person at the same time. Nevertheless, it is not obvious how to explain this phenomenon as emotions are typically partial and exclusive. Read More

Love isn't Sex

Submitted by CPR on March 23, 2008 - 11:51am.

Thanks for an interesting post. But shouldn't we be clear what we're talking about when we get into this sort of thing? First, there is nothing intrinsic to love or sexual desire that implied exclusivity or partiality. Lust (in Paradise or not) clearly doesn't differentiate much in terms of emotional connection. And love is not a zero-sum game. We love our children equally, without having to portion our love out in calculated sums. Many men (and women) are not only capable of imagining their beloved in the arms of another, but are turned on by the thought. To me, it seems that our cultural insistence that monogamy is somehow "natural" is the bizarre phenomenon in need of explanation -- not the appetite for erotic variety.

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i'd like some more insight

Submitted by TEB on May 8, 2008 - 6:12pm.

i'd like some more insight into all of this.
I feel that it's almost impossible to find all things needed/wanted/desired (you choose the word) in just one person which is why we are able to love more than one at a time. Our society isn't fixated on the house and a satisfied husband. Maybe it's about women finally going for what they want/standing up for what they believe in, or perhaps our parents screwed us up, or we have an idea of 'the perfect man/woman, but since it doesn't really exist, we satisfy those needs from various outlets....

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I agree. I think it's

Submitted by blueberry on February 8, 2011 - 11:03am.

I agree. I think it's unrealistic to expect all from one person but most of us go along with it accepting it in silence and finding other activities to compensate (whether relationships or not). BUT WHAT IF one finds the two complementary persons who together represent the ideal man???? It's my situation. I met my soulmate who represents a very important part of me: freedom, hunger for life experiences (all sorts: travel, challenges, etc) when I was 18. We became very close friends for 6 years, I would know about his girlfriends, he would know about my boyfriends, we would travel together, talk for hours and a certain ambiguity appeared but we never talked about our relation/friendship... Then I found out the day he got married that he was in love with me. I could have never married him then because he wanted someone to follow him and I wanted to do my own things. I married someone very different: a rock that supports me, emotionally stable and keeps me stable. I love him to bits. I have been married for 15 years very happily. But I have always loved and missed in silence my friend too all these years and my husband is slightly aware of it. He re-appeared in my life 2 years ago just at a time when I needed to be more truthfull to myself. We see each other every six months and have finally talked about us and our connection and have kissed. We both have children and want to wait until they grow up. My big worry is that he might not accept sharing me since I don't want to leave my husband who is getting used to the idea...any relevant experiences to share, how do you make it work?

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I agree. I think its

Submitted by Anonymous on March 16, 2011 - 9:16pm.

I could have written this post practically verbatim. I hear and feel you. I met someone right after my 7th year of marriage. He compliments me very well and we carried on an affair for about 3 years off and on. He left my life for a while and now has returned. He told me that he wishes I wasn't married,but I am and have a small child.

I do want to see him,its a good thing he moved about 3 hrs away.

We talk on the phone,but I have a life now that I cannot leave.

I believe he is my bashert;my other half and twin flame. I do believe in soul mates and my husband and many others around me walk in that path with me.

I went to a past life therapy and saw my soul mate;this man.

I believe that we've been walking through lives together many times,but each time,he would go help others,he would heal with the best intentions and that would leave us from being together.

I'm not sure what to do either. I love him,but I cannot continue this path Ive chosen if we continue to have this half-unfulfilled relationship...

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two women

Submitted by nate on September 16, 2008 - 12:40pm.

Being in between the love of two women is very trying only because of our social excepted norms. However, I find myself in this situation today. Any advise, it is not possible for me to hurt either one of these beautiful young ladies. Who both are quite apparently in love with me, and I to them.

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in love...

Submitted by lisa on June 18, 2010 - 4:45am.

Hi my name is lisa...im 27...well,im actually very keen to noe that how do you actually love two person at one time...im in a poasition in one of the woman and that yup like what the others said,its only based on lust...im in a confusion state whereby he is a married man and that we have been together for 3 years....there is no problems between us only the normal ones like financial and etc...but all along in this relationship it has all been good..ive debated with my friends and they did not agree to our relationship. but we love each other...when he goes back to his wife,of course that word jealousy,hatred comes..i tried a few times leaving and asking for break offs but it seems that we are unseperatable.we do plan to get married too...please help me...i need an answer...thamk you...please email me aites

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being in love w/ a married man

Submitted by Anonymous on July 29, 2010 - 8:29am.

hello,
i'm in the same situation, i've been seeing this man for 4yrs. now we started as co-workers then friends then well ya know how it adds up, but from day one he's always told me he's happily married and would never leave her. but he says he loves both of us. he's always telling me i need someone that can be there for me 24/7 and i deserve someone better then him. but would really hate to lose me but would understand if i did. my problem is i really love him so much i've never had anyone treat me like he does, and it's not a lust or sex relationship like people think. because we hardly have it. i find myself thinking i do want to have someone around all the time but someone like him, not an ass like i've had. he says all the time that he loves us the same and know one would understand that he is in love w/ two women. i guess what i'm asking is that do you think it's possible to be in love with 2 people, and should i move on i just can't picture myself w/o him though i know it sounds like i already made my mind up. but i need advice. anyone out there that can help me? so everyone that posted they have the samething going on i wish i could give you the answer you need but like i've always been told we can not help who we fall in love with.

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Its been 2 years since you posted this

Submitted by Sara on July 26, 2012 - 6:39am.

How are things now... Just curious because this resonated with me and a situation I nearly got into...

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relationships

Submitted by dee on January 25, 2011 - 6:18am.

hi lisa, perhaps you can help me , i read your artitcal and i need help. i am madly in love with a man I now live with . The pass 18 mths, alot more to the story . he has another girlfriend who is married , they have been friends and lovers now for 7 yrs. He dosen,t seem to want to give her up , he fights hard at this , but lovesws and wants me to . i don,t understand , some days it is OK and then others very bad for me , He says she is only a friend but i know this is not true!!what can I do !!!

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Dee

Submitted by Sara on July 26, 2012 - 6:41am.

what happened in the end? Hope it turned out ok for you...

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Love two persons at the same time_relationship

Submitted by Anonymous on October 4, 2012 - 5:53am.

Hi frnds,

I am Ishika (girl with the age of 27) would like to share my life experience with you about love.. I was madly in love with someone since my graduation and it was not an infatuation but a deep love from both of our side in fact we both love each other and feel that but never share with each other finally in last year of my graduation he (Raj) proposed me and first I denied but later on I had to accept that I too love him since past 3 years..Our relationship was going fine. Unfortunately our marriage were not possible bcoz of cast difference but still I gave my best to make it possible I did my MBA then started working in MNC spent 3 years and on the same side pushing my parents to approve my and raj marriage..Heads of to the raj for being patience and putting his heart to give every attempt to meet the expectations of my parents he did his CA, CS with a thought, probably my parents get agree with high qualification and reputed person for their daughter.. But still today after 5 years my parents are not agree for him... And I who loves raj a lot and cant see anything without him but can’t go against my parents and take any immoral step. ...

The second side of my life is when raj came into my life there is one other person name Varun who was very good friend of mine had the same feelings of love for me and funny part was that everyone knows that he loves me and I too had a bit idea of that but he never shared his feelings for me so I was not able to reply him back that I am already in love with someone..After 2 years from my graduation he finally proposed me and I confirmed him back that I love someone else... First he cried then he start accepting by saying ok I am your frnd..

Now finally though I am already into an relationship with raj and love him madly, also start feeling love for Varun who is loving me since past 7 years knowing the fact that I love someone else..But our relationship is not possible... Varun always say I just want to see you happy and I will be very happy if you merry with raj but the pain inside his heart is easily visible...I knew he loves me a lot.. He knows that I don’t love him but he still did everything just to see me happy just to make me laugh... For my every happiness he wishes day and night... A pinch of pain to me is simply visible in his eyes... I must say that since past 7 years was didn't had any love feeling for Varun I never ever love him before, no doubt I respect his feeling that he loves me and in fact he was very good frnd of mine but not more than this but yes now I started loving him too.. And I can't live without him...

Only varun's unconditional true and deep love turns my heart and force me to love him back.. now I start feeling that you have a power to compel other person to love you back by just loving him a lot that he never expect and he/she has to start loving you crazily for your pure feelings. let other person start feeling fear to lose you or a feeling that no one else can love me more that this person...

Regards
Ishika

A REAL LOVE STORY OF 8 YEAR LOVE relationship

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A REAL LOVE STORY OF 8 YEAR LOVE RELATIONSHIP

Submitted by shahzad on January 8, 2013 - 5:29am.

hi ishika
i read ur story and totally agree with ur thought of u can compel other person to love u back by just loving him a lot that he or she never expect . since i am in the same dilemma from the past few days and searching for a satisfactory answer and came through ur post .since i am an Indian 24 year old and my dilemma is can a guy devotedly (same as ur love) love two girl at the same time and live together ? as from my view LOVE is universal weather it is a love for ur mother ,wife , girlfriend , father , brother sister , friend love remain the same in each relation as u cannot differentiate love since love is not materialistic which vary with the relations . love is eternal it is the feeling an emotions .
leave me i just want to know that what steps u have taken in ur case with whom u get married to raj or varun and what happened with to either . since it seems to me (i can be wrong) u have hidden ur identity as ur name is not ishika and the other is not raj plz plz plz reply
regards
shahzad

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love two person at the same time_relationship

Submitted by Anonymous on October 4, 2012 - 5:57am.

Hi frnds,

I am Ishika (girl with the age of 27) would like to share my life experience with you about love.. I was madly in love with someone since my graduation and it was not an infatuation but a deep love from both of our side in fact we both love each other and feel that but never share with each other finally in last year of my graduation he (Raj) proposed me and first I denied but later on I had to accept that I too love him since past 3 years..Our relationship was going fine. Unfortunately our marriage were not possible bcoz of cast difference but still I gave my best to make it possible I did my MBA then started working in MNC spent 3 years and on the same side pushing my parents to approve my and raj marriage..Heads of to the raj for being patience and putting his heart to give every attempt to meet the expectations of my parents he did his CA, CS with a thought, probably my parents get agree with high qualification and reputed person for their daughter... But still today after 5 years my parents are not agree for him... And I who loves raj a lot and can’t see anything without him, but can’t go against my parents and take any immoral step. ...

Regards
Ishika

A REAL LOVE STORY OF 8 YEAR LOVE relationship

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love two person at the same time_relationship

Submitted by Anonymous on October 4, 2012 - 5:58am.

Hi frnds,

I am Ishika (girl with the age of 27) would like to share my life experience with you about love.. I was madly in love with someone since my graduation and it was not an infatuation but a deep love from both of our side in fact we both love each other and feel that but never share with each other finally in last year of my graduation he (Raj) proposed me and first I denied but later on I had to accept that I too love him since past 3 years..Our relationship was going fine. Unfortunately our marriage were not possible bcoz of cast difference but still I gave my best to make it possible I did my MBA then started working in MNC spent 3 years and on the same side pushing my parents to approve my and raj marriage..Heads of to the raj for being patience and putting his heart to give every attempt to meet the expectations of my parents he did his CA, CS with a thought, probably my parents get agree with high qualification and reputed person for their daughter... But still today after 5 years my parents are not agree for him... And I who loves raj a lot and can’t see anything without him, but can’t go against my parents and take any immoral step. ...

Regards
Ishika

A REAL LOVE STORY OF 8 YEAR LOVE relationship

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In love with two woment

Submitted by deejay on April 17, 2012 - 10:10am.

Nate ,

Finally what happended.

in Similar situation in 2012

regards
Deejay

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In love with 2 women.

Submitted by Dimples on June 8, 2012 - 12:23pm.

How did this turn out for you? I find myself currently in love with 2 women. I try to look at pro's & con's in both & I find myself becoming blocked, a fog comes across my mind. I am in such fear of who I will hurt as both of these beautiful women are in love with me. Did you ever feel regretful for being loveable?

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Omg....im in the same

Submitted by Dana church on July 19, 2012 - 8:06pm.

Omg....im in the same situation. God, I dont know what to do

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Hi... what do you feel? im

Submitted by Anonymous on August 19, 2012 - 12:08pm.

Hi... what do you feel? im trying to figure out how to do it too! its hard;( i think i love both

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Well I don't think there is

Submitted by Anonymous on November 25, 2012 - 9:16pm.

Well I don't think there is always one set solution to any problem so I will give you a couple of ideas that I think might help.

My first piece of advice is to go with the second woman you fell in love with, because if you were truly inlove with the first you would have not fallen for the second.

My second piece of advice is to be completely honest with the both of them. They need to know, and I have always believed that love is tied with honesty. Judge the reactions and go from there.

Third option is really tough. Leave both of them and start fresh. Clearly you need to work on yourself right now and figure out your priorities and what you want in a woman. Work on yourself before you try to work on a relationship.

Fourth option is to make a list. Pros and cons both girls and compare them to each other. Women do this all the time with men. You can either do it by emotions or logistics. But at the end of day it is who will make you the most happiest and who you can see spending the rest of your life with.

Fifth option is a combination of a couple. I say explain to both girls your situation. Then tell them you need some time to figure things out. And then decided whether you want just one, both, or if it is better to just walk away.

Hope this helped.

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Well your advice is really

Submitted by Anonymous on December 24, 2012 - 9:11am.

Well your advice is really good when you think about it. Although thats using your brain. If its truly love then its from the heart.
I have a situation whereby its almost the same. I finally decided to move onto one of them. But wait the other that I thought I was going to leave gets pregnant. I believe that there are situations in the earth experience that we truly can not understand. Love is great although it can not be concepualized. We are souls in earth bodies. Thank YOu..

Namaste
Yes

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Well I don't think there is

Submitted by Anonymous on November 25, 2012 - 9:16pm.

Well I don't think there is always one set solution to any problem so I will give you a couple of ideas that I think might help.

My first piece of advice is to go with the second woman you fell in love with, because if you were truly inlove with the first you would have not fallen for the second.

My second piece of advice is to be completely honest with the both of them. They need to know, and I have always believed that love is tied with honesty. Judge the reactions and go from there.

Hope this helped.

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Loving

Submitted by Jack on October 11, 2008 - 3:03pm.

The Nuerotic Society, which all over the world has married men and women fantasizing about others while supposedly making love to each other, sums up the problem. I am a married man who loves my wife. Recently, I have met another woman whom I have fallen in love with. I tried to rationalise and dimsiss my feelings but I can not. I really love these two women. For different reasons but regardless, I love them both. It does not fit into western society or any social norms. So I carry on in my own feelings about it. there is something wrong with "social norms"

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going through the same thing

Submitted by miriam on October 26, 2009 - 5:41pm.

I also love my husband but also love my friend,y husband found out and has left me,while my friend stay with his wife.He told me that I will always be in his life and that I will always be there.Do you think he will think of me often.

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It's difficult

Submitted by Richard Gillingham on October 19, 2008 - 5:47pm.

I am one of the recipents of love from a woman who is very much in love with her husband. I had loved her silently for some time (years) when a few months ago I blurted out that I cared deeply for her. In a short while (months) she has fallen deeply in love with me. I am ecstatic. I am a widower, and have been alone for too long. I never expected this to happen.
She remains absolutely committed to her marriage, so our relationship must remain in the shadows. She is, however, having real problems dealing with the conflict. How can she love us both so much? How can she risk her marriage for another man's love?
I don't have the answers, and I am equally committed to not injuring her spouse. (He's a friend. One of very few I have)
I don't know where our relationship is going. It is severly reatricted by our concerns.
Clearly it is possible to love two pesons at the same time, but it can be very stressful.

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yes, its very difficult

Submitted by Anonymous on October 23, 2008 - 5:53pm.

I've been married for 15years and I clearly understand what she must be going through,because im in the same situation she is in.(except in my case, its a friend of mine not his)It started a year ago and it is very stressful,I wish i could have them both openly.For they make one perfect man.

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Ditto! Well almost. I too am

Submitted by Anonymous on December 4, 2008 - 8:22pm.

Ditto! Well almost. I too am married and was in another relationship. The difference being that my situation WAS out in the open. Well, not to everybody.. not to my kids or my in-laws but let's just say that he knew about her and she knew about him from the start. Yes, that's another complication - my other relationship was with a woman! As though things weren't complicated enough, eh??

Anyway, my point is that even when it's out in the open it isn't a bed of roses! You still have society and their norms to deal with. Although to be honest, that was the least of it for us. We were lucky.. if you can call it that. The three of us got on very well. We openly discussed the situation.. over and over again. We really tried to find a way to make it work. In the end though, it still came down to the fact that both wanted me on their own. If not now, eventually. And I just couldn't make a choice. So I've lost her and I don't think it'll ever be the same with him again. I can't make either of them happy and be happy myself.

Hope you do better!

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WOW

Submitted by WCV on July 14, 2010 - 3:47pm.

Could you have summed up my situation any better.
I too feel as though I am not 100% happy with one, or 100% happy with the other... I am in an open relationship with someone (female) and my ex has started trying to get me back. (My parents would be abhorred to know I went over there two night ago, and lay with him) She knows.. and expressed it was ok with her.. in fact.. she said it was "hot"

He doesnt know about her.. I dont know if she knows the extent of how I feel about him.. although I show her the texts and my responses..

I hate secrets in my life. I am not handling this well. I love his texts, and the snippets of time with him. He is my son's father and the long time love of my life for almost 15 years.

I think I need some help working through this.
Hence why I am here, typing this.

I love her, I feel safe.. she is everything I could ever want in a partner, best friend.. the sex is good, the connection is deep.

I am in love with him..still and always will be. Unless we enter into something slowly and he makes amends for all the past mistakes (long story - oh God..) my parents will wig out.

I am ok with it most days... but cant seem to stop myself from plunging into something covert with him. Its feeling amazing.

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You're in a very similar

Submitted by Anonymous on December 4, 2008 - 7:51pm.

You're in a very similar situation to me - except I'm the woman who is married AND in love with another. Believe me, she CAN love both of you that much and I can also totally understand why she'd risk her marriage despite loving her husband. It's a horrible, horrible place to be in. I know because I'm there. It goes against everything I ever learned. I hate myself myself for doing what I'm doing to both of them. I'm never truly happy.. no matter what I'm doing or who I'm with. I've learned with some success (although I'm far from proud of it) to block out my feelings of guilt for short periods when I'm with one or the other but it always comes back to haunt me. I didn't think it was possible to be this confused or sad. All I do is throw myself into work to escape and make sure that I'm alone with my thoughts as little as possible.

It must be hell for both of you too. I really hope it works out for you somehow soon.

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I am in the EXACT same

Submitted by Grrl on December 30, 2010 - 7:05pm.

I am in the EXACT same situation, though sexually, my affair partner is the obje t of my desire, ut the familiarity of my long term partner is another type of love -- family.

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lost

Submitted by Anonymous on August 5, 2009 - 12:49pm.

That is a mirror image of what I'm experiencing right now. I love my husband unconditionally but I have recently found myself in love with a friend who has been crazy about me since day one. The stress is intence. It's keeping me from sleeping, eating, and focusing on day to day activities. A real life catch 22... can't be truly happy with one without breaking the other's heart; and thus my own.

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Aaron Ben-Zeév, Ph.D., former President of the University of Haifa, is Professor of Philosophy. His books include: In the Name of Love: Romantic Ideology and its Victims. more...