Recently I wrote about being an effective and active listener and ways of encouraging other people to get things out and to talk. As we have said, effective communication is a key element in resilience, and it is the foundation upon which we build our lives. It is the way in which we understand others and the way in which we attempt to get other people to understand and know who we are. Listening is an active process that communicates to others that we are interested in what they have to say and that we are listening.
Here are two more active ways of encouraging people to talk.
The first is often called "checking it out." The technique involves describing what you perceive the other person's feelings to be. By doing this, you are telling the other person that what they feel is important, and you are asking the other person to tell you if you've got it right, if you understand. The way to use this technique is to describe the other person's feelings as accurately as you can. You must do this without making value judgments. It is not helpful to tell a person that they should not feel the way they feel. Leave value judgments until later and give them only if your friend or family member asks for them.
Unfortunately, past experiences and personal issues often get in the way of listening. Sometimes it is important that you invite the other person to tell you whether your description of their feelings is accurate or not. If they tell you that it is inaccurate, try to accept this. It is not a good idea to pretend that you are a mind-reader and that "you really know how they feel." You may not, and by saying that you do, you are not being helpful to the other person. If they are to come to understand how they feel, they need to have the opportunity to feel their feelings and not to have to accept value judgments about what they should or should not be feeling.
Here is an example of two friends talking about an overdue mortgage payment:
Jim: "The damned banks! They've got plenty of money!"
Tom: "Boy, you sound really upset at the bank."
Jim: "Look, man, I don't have the money to pay the mortgage payment this month, and the bank is threatening to foreclose on the house. I know we've been behind some, but this is ridiculous. I've always paid my debts. I don't know how the hell I'm going to be able to hang onto the house, much less send my kids to college."
Tom: "Seems like your biggest worry right now is about hanging on to your house."
And finally, let me mention a very effective technique that most of us don't practice very well in a tense situation. The technique is "silence."
As the word implies, it means saying nothing. It is not a technique that tends to relax other people or that is especially relaxing for us to use when we're feeling anxious. Many of us like to talk when we're feeling tense. Silence requires that we say nothing, verbally and nonverbally. That means the expression on our face and our body language are important and need to express neutrality and openness to hearing what the other person has to say.
Being silent is not a good idea for a situation that can turn violent or for a situation in which the person you are dealing with is angry with you. It tends to make other people more uptight and more anxious because it places the burden of talking on them and removes it from you.
Silence is a good approach to use to encourage a person to talk more when your verbal attempts are not working. When you are skillful, silence can convey concern and interest on your part. It can encourage the person you're talking with to talk, to go beyond yes or no answers, and it can also keep you from having to take sides in a conflict. For example, if two friends are having an argument and want you to give your opinion as to who is correct, silence may be an excellent response.
