In Practice

Norwegians, not Swedes! Unlike the other Nobel prizes. A Norwegian committee decides who is awarded the peace prize.

why does peter kramer think anyone cares what he thinks about politics?

Peter Kramer - The Thomas Friedman of psychiatry:

http://mustacheofunderstanding.blogspot.com/

I know your busy with your book, so thanks for your recent blog thoughts.

Such a thing concerning awards makes me think of Sartre, the very lovable eccentric and why he declined awards.He knew they were worthless.

Thanks for the idea- I'm going to try and convince my wife of the ''sex on demand'' notion.

Sincerely,David

David: You can have the sex you want in your marriage. Take a look at David Schnarch's _Passionate Marriage_ or, if you're psychologically minded, _Constructing the Sexual Crucible_. (The latter lays out the psychodynamic framework and is more theoretical.) It isn't easy or psychologically cheap -- it demands a lot of both partners -- but it can be done. And it's fun.

http://passionatemarriage.com/

Hi SteveM!

I love your questions.

>I mean people generally bond to others that they get along with.
>So isn't that a predicate for a happy marriage in all dimensions?

I wish I knew for sure. I think a lot depends on the specific people involved, the unfinished psychological business each brings to the relationship, and their separate abilities to adapt to changes in the partner as this unfinished business gets finished. Especially in our culture where childhood and adolescence are so very extended, people don't always, or even usually, come fully formed to their first marriages. Plus, people develop over their lifespans, though not usually in the same cataclysmic way that they do during earlier and more tumultuous transitions like adolescence. A partner who fears or resists change -- in the self or the other -- is going to pose a problem for a partner who discovers fresh aspect of self at midlife, for instance.

>So a couple should be psychically bound up in each other. The "physics" of
>lasting, sustained friendship so to speak. The sex would naturally follow.

Again, and speaking only from my own experience, I think much depends on the nature of this bond. Is it rigid and brittle, or flexible and robust? I like the metaphor of dynamic equilibrium: promising relationships are the ones that are robust enough to incorporate, if not facilitate, growth for both participants, and the growth of one stimulates the growth of the other. This growth might even include the willingness to forsake additional development if the resistant partner insists that such change shouldn't occur. I'm not personally too excited by that kind of development, where one sacrifices a potential bit of oneself in order to spare the partner the effort of growing to accommodate it. But this distaste may be the result of my own immaturity. I can certainly also imagine good reasons for choosing and staying in a relationship like that.

I think sex is different, though. Schnarch sees sex as a crucible, a metaphor I like a lot. Both people have to be willing to deal with the discomfort of making oneself actually and fully present to another on an intense moment-to-moment basis. This kind of attention is hard to give and hard to receive. When there's a lapse, the spark can fizzle, as one partner feels rejected and the other wonders what the heck went wrong. Once this happens, it can be hard to re-start, and sometimes trying only makes things worse. It is just like any other art - it takes a lot of concentration, a lot of practice, and a lot of courage and humility (being willing to make and learn from mistakes). Plus all the other stuff I'm leaving out -- imagination, a sense of humor.

I think it is very hard to learn these skills inside an important relationship - the stakes are too high. They are more easily learned elsewhere and brought in from outside -- which, again, can pose a problem if one partner resists the idea that the relationship has to be flexible enough to incorporate change in the other partner.

Sooz,

Great comments. Well spoken.

I took the Myers-Briggs test some years ago and it was a real eye opener. I mean, I thought I was looking in the mirror when I read my Type profile.

From other M-B stuff that I've read, it seems that different temperaments attach different meanings to sex. I.e., people are attracted to and fulfilled by different characteristics based on their Type.

I happen to be an intuitive who thinks abstractly, so appreciate someone else who does also. I get a playful intellectual vibe going with somebody and I'm happy. So I guess in retrospect, my comments above emanated from that specific orientation.

More generally, I suppose the important thing is figuring out what one finds interesting in a partner and why. And then ensuring that the interesting stuff is uniquely transcendental. I.e., a vibe or spark that maps to core values.

There's a pretty good book on the M-B temperaments called "Please Understand Me II". It's got a chapter on the complementary Types that seem to resonate especially well with each other.

P.S. You can take the M-B test for free here:

http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/JTypes2.asp

P.P.S. M-B is not oracular. But it could be very instructive if it even gets someone in the ballpark about what in a partner probably works for them.

Cool, SteveM! I did an M-B assessment years ago, trying to figure out what I wanted to do for work. It's neat to do it again. Different result this time: I've gone from an INTJ to an INTP. Maybe I was on the fence all this time ...

Peter, you said it well, and in few words. It felt so good to me to hear this vote of confidence and encouragement from the wider world for what Obama has done, is trying to do and needs to do still. I can't believe what a mess of entangled impediments to progress that the Republicans and many Democrats have woven in our path (and Obama's path). We did elect him to work on global relationships, pollution and warming, and fixing the broken health care payment system. I continue to be appalled that people are listening to the right wing blathering that just gets crazier.

I hope this will put some fresh air into Obama's (and our) sails.

If my wife had sexual dysfunction I would give her a PDK book. Getting advice on relationships from Steve M. is like getting a surgical consultation from Jack the Ripper to get a mole removed.

Sincerely,David

I think it's fitting for the Scans to give Obama this award because of the impact he's had on the Muslim community, black, white, and everybody else. He's a man of all races and understand how that can be misinterpreted. Mostly by jealous and ignorant people who have no respect for others. Foreigners (espcially Europenas) are just more insightful than Americans. They know he deserved this award for bringing peace. Mr. Kramer, your book "Against Depression" is magnificent. I'm really enjoying it. Great, it deserves an award!