The Difficulty of Self-Control is Conflict

Self-control is a highly prized quality in our society. The ability to walk a straight and narrow path while resisting the temptation to deviate is something we admire in others and strive to attain for ourselves.

Self-control seems to involve trying hard to achieve a particular outcome. Individuals, for example, might make great efforts to limit their alcohol or calorie intake to achieve good health and a long life. Or they might force themselves to maintain an exercise regime for similar effects on their health and longevity.

At this time of the year when many people around the world celebrate Christmas, we are often reminded of the importance of self-control in showing restraint and moderation with the amount of alcohol we imbibe, the amount of food we consume, and the amount of money we spend.

Perhaps the reason that self-control is held in such high esteem is because it seems so difficult to maintain for any length of time. The stories are legion of dieters who lose enormous amounts of weight through hard work and perseverance only to regain that weight at a later date.

Why is self-control so difficult? On the face of it, it seems fairly straightforward to say “no” to the chocolate fudge brownie, or to select soda water rather than beer, or to drive straight past the shop where you normally buy your cigarettes. Lots of people do these sorts of things all the time. Why then is self-control even required?

If we leave aside more complicated explanations such as a troubled childhood or an addictive personality, the simplest way to account for the fact that people don’t always say “no” even when they want to is that a part of them wants to say “yes”. While Erica is on her diet she might sincerely want to pass up that chocolate fudge brownie but she may also want to savour again that delectable taste she enjoys so much. So while she mostly wants to say “no”, a little part of her also wants to say “yes”!

It’s impossible to say both “no” and “yes” at the same time about the same thing so Erica is left in the position of somehow making herself resist. That’s where self-control comes in. “Self-control” seems to be the name we give to those situations where people find a way to make themselves focus on one outcome (lunch without the brownie) despite the fact that they want the opposite outcome at the same time (lunch with the brownie). Another name for this situation is “internal conflict”.

Unfortunately, rebound effects are standard results for conflicted minds. The harder you try to force one side of the conflict to prevail, the more severe the rebound from the other side is likely to be. After a period of being “good” and sticking to your latest diet, have you ever found yourself raiding the fridge late at night?

Dietary self-control is difficult when conflict is present.

People don’t need more self-control to change bad habits; they need to resolve internal conflict. Self-control without conflict is just control. It feels effortless, natural, and free. Sometimes it feels like nothing at all. Our greatest freedom may be to live an unconflicted life.

So if there’s a change you’d like to make such as a habit to break or a routine to establish and, despite your best efforts, sooner or later you find yourself doing the very thing you’re trying to avoid, don’t try harder. Instead of setting out to be even more stubborn and strong-minded next time, spend a little while getting to know yourself better. Find out what’s on the other side of your plans. Why do you keep apparently sabotaging yourself? What’s important to you about one more glass of wine or that next cigarette? Discovering as much as you can about the opposing sides existing in your own mind will help to bring about solutions to the struggle.

When you find yourself wishing you had more self-control, spend some time exploring those parts of you that you think need to be controlled. It may be that, as you get to know them better, you’ll discover the reasons and important purposes that put them there in the first place. It might even turn out that the purposes you discover are not so very different from the ones you are currently trying to achieve.