Impossible to Please

Handling hypercritical people at work and at home

The Narcissistic Wound

Narcissists present a unique challenge in the workplace and in personal relationships. Understanding their "Narcissistic Wound" will help you to deal with them more effectively. Read More

The narcissist in my life

The narcissist in my life reveals time and again that he knows exactly what he's doing as far as manipulating people to get the admiration and constant praise that he thrives on. He also viciously puts down and humiliates other people as one means of achieving that, ie. he wounds others to heal his own supposed wounds.

I don't think these people are as innocent and oblivious as we think. I think they're very cunning and calculating and very aware of their behavior. They just don't care. Given that the majority of narcissists are male and that males in general have less empathy than females, I think it has more to do with ego and lack of empathy than the impact of old emotional wounds.

Everyone has been deeply wounded at one time or another. I've experienced the deep wounds as a child as described in this article, but that didn't make me a self centered, calculating, egotistical narcissist.

There are just as many female

There are just as many female narcissist as there males. They just get labeled borderline personality disorder and have a serious fear of abandonment to go along with their narcissistic tendencies. Their narcissistic personalities cause their own abandonment. And yes they know what they are doing also.

I believe that the DSM 5 has removed narcissism as a personality disorder. When you think about it. How can it be a disorder when more people are that way than not. Some are worse than others but narcissism is running rampant in our society. It sure is a sad world out there.

Narcissistic personality

Narcissistic personality disorder is much more prevalent in males than females. Borderline personality disorder is a different condition and a contentious one at that, particularly in relation to the the fact that mostly women are diagnosed with it, which relates back to the sexist misdiagnosis of women with 'hysteria'. A failure to recognize trauma symptoms often results in a diagnosis of borderline personality disorder, just as happened with 'hysteria'.

Also, only a small percentage of the population has narcissistic personality disorder, which is why it's classified as a disorder. It's not the same as garden variety selfishness, self centeredness, egotism etc.

If you think more people are

If you think more people are narcissist than aren't, then you haven't had up close and personal experience with a narcissist. I'm sure many people have narcissistic traits. We all have our own self-interests at heart, and want what's best for us, but that isn't the same as being truly narcissistic.

My narcissist was my mother, and that did give me a pretty negative view of the rest of the world, but even I know that doesn't mean that most people are narcissists. However, I do think narcissists end up having a disproportionate amount of power in society, partly because they aren't encumbered by rules and doing the right thing, and because they are very good at keeping up appearances so other people don't recognize it until it's too late (if ever), so it may appear there are more of them than us.

labeled by who?

"They just get labeled borderline personality disorder and have a serious fear of abandonment to go along with their narcissistic tendencies. Their narcissistic personalities cause their own abandonment. And yes they know what they are doing also."

It is a WELL KNOWN FACT that the majority of narcissists don't seek treatment, I would perhaps even go as far to say that it was taken out of the DSM because narcissist don't go in for help so who is diagnosing someone who is not in treatment.

While BPD can co exist with NPD they are two distinctly separate disorders and most BPD's are not narcissists also (although some may be).

Any psychologist that is worth their fee will not " just label a narcissist a BPD" that is an incorrect statement, please don't mislead people about these distinctly separate disorders

They are not totally distinct

They are not totally distinct of each other and are almost always co morbid. They are both cluster B and are deeply rooted in shame. The Borderline is terribly narcissistic although the narcissism is of a covert nature and is extremely well hidden until all hell breaks loose.

The can be highly explosive, they can and do have a sense of grandiosity. They feel a sense of entitlement. They fear abandonment and are quite often abandoned because of their narcissistic behavior. They portray a false self and have the ability to portray many false selves like a chameleon.

The male narcissist will usually have just one false self instead of many and this false self will usually be very strong until it suffers an injury.

Please read John Bradshaw and Jane Middleton-Moz to find out who says.

Not Always co-morbid

While BPD and NPD are both cluster B disorders they are NOT almost always co-morbid. BPD can be co-morbid with dependent personality disorder (a cluster C) frequently. Your author experts BTW are not experts on BPD by any means. (they write self help books on shame).

If BPD and NPD were "almost always co-morbid" like you say it would be referenced in the DSM (any version) and it is not a characteristic. Also narcissism is not a criteria for BPD. The fact that Bpd's can have impaired empathy at times (while under stress) does not mean that they are narcissists.

DSM-5 and Narcissism

Just FYI

Narcissistic PD was eventually included in DSM-5 after a great deal of controversy; it did come very close to not being included
Thanks for reading!

I don't buy it

"At some time in their life, usually in childhood, the narcissistic individual is shamed or disgraced in such a way, that they can never again truly feel good about who they are."

I don't buy this generalization about narcissists. It assumes that everyone starts out the same way, and if they are different, then it must have been something that happened a long time ago. How about people were born with a different personality than you? That seems to make a lot more sense, because I see a lot of different personalities around me everywhere.

Why are you so angry? All

Why are you so angry?

All people are born with a blank mind and nothing more than instincts. No person alive today or that has ever lived was born with a personality. Personalities are formed throughout a lifetime with the core of it formed in childhood.

Well I guess I can't speak for you. Maybe you were born already talking to people and interacting with them. Wondering what they might be thinking or how your interactions with them might play out. Completely able to contemplate what your next move would be based on your ability to predict their behavior. Wow that must be an awesome feeling to be able to do that upon emerging from the birth canal.

As for me. I was born not knowing anything at all and completely dependent on my caretakers. I didn't have that luxury and had to learn as I grew from the people around me. My personality had to be formed and developed from experience. I didn't get to just automatically know and have all of my personality just because I was born that way like you say that other people are.

I guess I will just stay ignorant. That's ok though.

Angry? The author was simply

Angry? The author was simply disagreeing with you.

Do try to analyze everyone who disagrees with you?

I would LOVE to see what proof you can offer for this statement:
"All people are born with a blank mind and nothing more than instincts. No person alive today or that has ever lived was born with a personality. Personalities are formed throughout a lifetime with the core of it formed in childhood."

Having a personality and knowing stuff are 2 different things.

Actually, your sarcasm indicates anger. Tell us about your relation ship with your mother...



I am not the author of this

I am not the author of this blog in case some might wonder. I just noticed that I share the same first name with the author. I don't want to cause any confusion. My words are mine and the authors words are his. I apologize if my name has caused any confusion.

Check this out (it has

I can identify with this

I can identify with this syndrome and I can think back to all the times as a child I was cut down and humiliated. I know how shitty I feel every day and how I have to bump up the ego and how no matter what people say it doesn't matter to me but at least I can be big in their eyes, even if eventually I fall. I hate hurting people and every time I begin to, I try to run away. Most think I'm a great guy, except those who get me closest so I keep most far as that way I hurt the fewest but it doesn't change the fact that I feel that sooner or later I just hurt all I come in contact with which makes me feel even shittier.

The question is, how do I get past the wound, how do I stop the cycle?
Thank you.

NPD Biological

Because people with NPD act so incredibly similar pathologically I am inclined to feel npd is actually a biological inherited brain disorder rather than caused by early childhood issues.

Post new comment

The content of this field is kept private and will not be shown publicly.
  • Web page addresses and e-mail addresses turn into links automatically.
  • Allowed HTML tags: <a> <em> <strong> <cite> <code> <ul> <ol> <li> <dl> <dt> <dd>
  • Lines and paragraphs break automatically.
  • You may quote other posts using [quote] tags.

More information about formatting options

Neil J. Lavender, Ph.D. is a licensed psychologist and a professor of psychology at Ocean County College in Toms River, NJ.


Subscribe to Impossible to Please

Current Issue

Let It Go!

It can take a radical reboot to get past old hurts and injustices.