How Leaving the Laundry Can Improve Your Relationship

Over the last year, I've let a few things slide. Not intentionally, but over time I noticed some of the things I really cared about, things that were important to me alone, slipping away. Citing "family demands" I made some personal sacrifices - stopped working out, changed my work schedule, quit meditating. And in return I took on more of the "should do" responsibilities. I assumed the roles of "chief grocery shopper" and "clothes cleaner" though nobody, but me, ever expected me to do it alone.

And I became grouchy. Not just a little grouchy, but the I-never-get-any-time-to-myself-I-have-to-do-everything grouchy. And maybe even a teeny bit resentful and slightly impatient and, well, you get the idea. I was not a joy to live with. And, worse yet, I was not feeling good about myself.

After some introspective moments trying to figure out why I felt so off-balance, I realized that I had slowly been subtracting the things that not only make me feel good, but are also essential to who I am as an individual. So, I started to add those things back in. I signed up for a Tai Chi class and began working out again. I set aside time for solitude or mediation and resumed my spiritual studies. I took work that mattered to me. And to make time for these things, I abstained from folding laundry - at least part of the time, (O.K. a lot of the time) and stopped making the bed every day. I gave up a few of the things that were draining my energy and replaced them with those things that felt core to my character. And, no surprise here, my mood picked up immediately.

But, something else, unexpected happened. I also began connecting with my husband in a deeper way. I was less prone to complaining about crumbs on the countertops and more likely to check in with him about his day and his frustrations. I became more patient. I even let him hold the remote.

Now, science explains what I experienced. A new study, led by Amy Brunell of Ohio State University Newark campus, shows that men and women who were true to themselves get along better with their partners. Those who lead more authentic lives reported a greater sense of personal well-being and also behaved in more intimate, less harmful ways toward their partners.

They also reported feeling more positive about their relationships overall.

But, to live authentically requires you to become very clear about who you are, what you need and what matters most. That can be a little scary, at first. It requires you to sit still, in the quiet, and not only recognize who you are with all of your strengths and flaws and to think about your very essence, but also to feel that essence. Take an emotions inventory. If you're feeling a little off-balance, frustrated, impatient, angry, hurt. If things don't feel right, stop the blaming, stop playing the martyr and look inside. What has changed for you? What's different? What do you miss that you used to do? What are you doing to feel good and healthy? Who are you and what do you need to do to live in alignment with that being? Then make a move toward your authentic self.

This isn't an excuse to drop all your responsibilities - though right now my laundry bin runneth over. Or to become singularly self-focused. That doesn't feel good either. But with a little self awareness we see the things that align us with our essence. Then we can do at least some of those things. Of course, we'll still be juggling sometimes, fitting a workout around a toddler's ballet class or meditating in an early morning when you're half asleep. Living an authentic life is often imperfect. But it's also invigorating. And when you stay close to your core values and interests and truths, you'll be inspired toward intimacy and kindness and playfulness and curiosity. And you'll connect to your life and those around you in a more meaningful way.

I'll take that over folded clothes any day.