I Can Relate

I have two male friends, both which started out with sexual intimacy, and which, due to a variety of issues, evolved into platonic friendships.

One friendship has lasted 25 years, the other 20 years.

To my mind, just because the romantic aspect does not work, doesn't mean the relationships are not of value outside that narrow romantic dimension.

I see them as people first and foremost.

While I've never taken it lightly, I have, in my single days, slept with a couple of friends. In both cases, it was not a "hook-up" the evolved into a friendship. Instead, they were friendships that evolved to include sex. With one friend, it happened once, and it did cause strain in the relationship - ultimately, we lost touch. The other one is a friend still, and while our sexual relationship is more than a decade in the past, neither of us (I hope; suppose I can only speak for myself) regrets those past experiences, which sometimes acted as a balm in rough times, and other times relieved the boredom of a dry period when it came to dating.

Mary and Greg, it's great to hear that you have long-lasting friendships with the other sex. These relationships can add a lot of value to people's lives, like Mary said. Greg, I wonder what distinguishes a friendship that lasts from one that becomes strained? The research pointed to an answer (the importance of parallel intentions) but there's always more to know. Thank you for your thoughtful comments.

I was the type of person who always said "Dont mix love and friendship". However over the years that have changed, after been friends with my ex boyfriend for over 5 years, and we still see each other. We have a great friendship, as mary said " just because the romantic aspect does not work, doesn't mean the relationships are not of value outside that narrow romantic dimension".I value more the friendship of someone that i been through ups and down and that person still there for me, than someone that only is there to shared the "good moments".

Well, I do like to compliment some of my friends on their looks. Whether that will lead to something remains to be seen. I'll keep you posted.

If two people respect each other, they will be honest with each other, and will naturally have a high level of trust too. Without the dishonesty of deception or hidden agendas, the misunderstandings and unrealistic expectations that can often lead to hurt feelings will largely be avoided.

Friends who have known each other a long time are obviously more likely to have a high level of mutual respect. However, even relatively new acquaintances can treat each other with respect. Some people are just naturally more trusting and respectful than others. One’s baseline level of trust hugely influences how one treats others. E.g., if you basically expect others to be trustworthy, you will be more honest with the people you meet. Both genes and past experiences influence the basic level of trust of others.

Whether in friendships or committed relationships, most of the emotional hurt arising from sex is actually due to poor communication.

Here’s a good set of rules:
1. Ask for what you want but make it clear you will respect whatever answer you get.
2. Don’t do anything that would be disrespectful of the other. If you’re not sure, ask.
3. Don’t assume that sex means deeper emotional commitment or exclusivity.
4. Likewise, don’t assume it’s just a bit of fun.
5. Talk it over and don’t be afraid to speak from your heart.

Excerpted from my blog post:
http://blog.michael-lowry.com/2012/04/sex-with-friends.html

The idea a little odd that one shouldn’t have sex with one’s friends seems odd under even the most cursory scrutiny. If not friends, who? Strangers? If you meet someone interesting and jump into bed before you even know the person, how smart is that? Shouldn’t you establish a sort of basic friendship first?

An objection often raised is that introducing sex into a friendship will inevitably cause hurt feelings, misunderstandings, and estrangement. The same could be said though of any sexual relationship. Sex inspires strong emotions.

The things is, sex isn’t the problem. Emotions are not the problem. The problem lies in how people react to their emotions. If people treated one another with respect, and communicated their thoughts and feelings, all manner of strife could be avoided.

If two people respect each other, they will be honest with each other, and will therefore also trust each other. Without the dishonesty of deception or hidden agendas, the misunderstandings and unrealistic expectations that can often lead to hurt feelings will largely be avoided.

Friends who have known each other a long time are obviously more likely to have a high level of mutual respect. However, even relatively new acquaintances can treat each other with respect. Some people are just naturally more trusting and respectful than others. One’s baseline level of trust hugely influences how one treats others. E.g., if you basically expect others to be trustworthy, you will be more honest with the people you meet. Both genes and past experiences surely influence this basic level of trust of others.

Whether in friendships or committed relationships, most of the emotional hurt arising from sex is actually due to poor communication.

Here’s a good set of rules to follow:
1. Ask for what you want but make it clear you will respect the other person’s answer.
2. Don’t do anything that would be disrespectful of the other. If you’re not sure, ask.
3. Don’t assume that sex means deeper emotional commitment or exclusivity.
4. Likewise, don’t assume it’s just a bit of fun.
5. Talk it over and don’t be afraid to speak from your heart.

Heidi,
Great article and it mirrors what I have been seeing in twenty five years of practice with college age people and up. Nice, pleasant friend sex happens all the time, and seems to be increasing in frequency.
Some leads to a commitment, but often it is just pleasant and not even awkward.

Curiously, at the same time, I'm noticing fewer long term relationships and more dogs being adopted.
(They never leave - and love you all the time.)

Any connection? :)

Mark

I wonder what sex-with-friends does to other field of peoples live, especially long term relationships and family. If you are surrounded with friends you have sexed with, what would it mean to the person you commit yourself too? Should you lie? Will these friends don't have any effect to your committed relationship?

These acts might not feel bad at first but in the long term how will it affect us and our future relationships with others?

In response to LookFurther’s comment:

The choices people make are influenced by the options available available to them. It would not surprise me to find that people who have sex with friends are less likely to enter into exclusive romantic partnerships. This could be a negative or a positive thing.

You could see this as a negative, because it would mean a decline in traditional marriage and the nuclear family. The institution of marriage was created to solidify the bond between a couple, with the goal of making it last longer than it might last absent a pact. Marriage is essentially a compromise and a set of trade-offs. When a young couple gets married, the man earns the woman’s youth in exchange for remaining faithful to her and her children after her fertile years. The old saying, ‘why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?’ encapsulates a bit of age-old wisdom about the different ways men and women think of sex. If men have easy access to sex outside of marriage, they will be less likely to make the aforementioned bargain. However, men who eschew long-term commitment also stand to loose the emotional benefits of having a long-term committed partner.

On the other hand, you could see increasing prevalence of sexual friendships as a positive, because fewer people would enter into long-term relationships solely or predominantly for sex. Sexual desire inspires all manner of deception. In addition to the myriad men who flat-out lie to get sex, even more engage in a sort of self-deception. Many a man has professed undying affection for a woman, only to be as surprised as anyone when, days or weeks later, his passion and love had faded. Perhaps with an outlet for their lust, men would be more likely to make claims of love and faithfulness only to those in whom they could truly make a meaningful and lasting commitment.

In any event, you should not lie, either to your committed partner or your friends. If your partner accepts your having sex with others, then it’s fine. If not, then you have to decide which is more important: sex with others, or your relationship. If lying is the only way to get what you want, then you should instead tell the truth, and give up the short-term pleasure. Making short-term sacrifices in the pursuit of long-term goals is part of being an adult.

A lot of thoughtful and diverse comments here. Thanks for that. Clearly, still so much interesting research to be done.

Nice article and interesting comments! I think you need a European (Danish) perspective: I have (at least) 2 friends of the opposite sex (female, despite my name I am Male) with whom I would SURELY be unable to have an erection ever! We have shared a bed and a (single) shower/shower stall countless times and changed (all) clothes without the other leaving the room. as an example: this friend is physically and psychologically closer than a sister to me though no blood relation. I am trying to say that in a few cases you can have "gender blind" friendship where this friend is not seen as a member of the opposite sex and therefore sharing a shower or room or bed (nudity or touch) is similar to that between 2 (heterosexual) friends of the same gender, say 2 girls. Therefore sex is not possible even if attempted.
No I am no Saint, I will happily have sex with almost anyone around and I have ruined a couple of friendships this way but not CLOSE friendships.
So here is the answer before the question is asked: what if tomorrow she asks for sex? Easy cheassy: I say yes and do what ever I am asked to do, nothing can go wrong, we already possess physical intimacy so I am comfortable to touch and as I will not have any erection the project will be abandoned and my feeling from the bottom of my heart will have shown and proofed themselves

I have a male friend. We started out as lovers over 10 years ago. We had alot of fun together sexually and socially. Then one day the relationship dissolved into a friendship. No big deal to me because I had other suitors and life goes on. It went on to find us developing a strong friendship.
Now we are back where we started from. Life has taught us a few things but he insists that he has no emotional attraction to me. He would like for us to remain friends with the ocassional sexual episode. I'm hurt and confused. At this point I am ready to end the friendship totally because I feel like he doesn't value me in his life.

I appreciate your comment. I think you are right that these in between relationships can get complicated, especially when people want different things, or aren't sure what they want. The question I would ask is whether the two of you really do want a friendship, or whether both of you are looking for something different (i.e., emotional or sexual involvement). A big part of friendship is feeling accepted for who you are as a person, as is. If that no longer exists or you feel it can't be cultivated, I can see how you might want to move on completely. You always have that choice.

I have an mixed emotions on these topics sexually involved with any friends might be embarrassing and arise many possibilities for breakups, but the above article shows the fair dedication towards a friendship even tough involved sexually.

Very personal I think it's quite horrible to sexually involve in any friend as this is the bond of trust.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/88586752@N06/8082428987/in/photostream