You might think a mom who is a media psychologist would have a set of flawlessly executed media rules for her family. I understand why you'd think that. If I learned you were a nutritionist, I would tend to expect that your kids are not often to be found passed out on the sofa, bellies distended, coke cans and chip bags strewn about them.
On the other hand, for people who aren't academics or professionals, we psychologists can seem insufferably arrogant - we can appear smug in the notion that we live our lives better and raise our kids better than average Janes and Joes.
And anyway, I don't know about you, but parents who seem a little too perfect are a big turn off to me. You know the kind: Mommies who emerged from the hospital delivery room wearing their pre-pregnancy jeans. Daddies who mention coyly that their toddler is a vegetarian who's not only writing her alphabet, but her own poetry and non-profit business plan. They're like the Brady Bunch parents - whose worst problem with their kids is that they sometimes get real naughty and say the word "rascal." For the rest of you, I'll confess that I am an authentic parent when it comes to my kids' media diet: one who sometimes falls on her face and sometimes triumphs. [For a similar commentary from a pediatrician, see: Perfect Parents].
True enough, my inclinations and training about media probably do make me a different sort of parent. All anyone had to do was to listen to my firstborn talk about media from the time he was a toddler. Jason would make impromptu declarations about toy commercials trying to make the toy look cooler than it is in order to sell more. And violent video games - the subject of my dissertation - Jason had mom's number on that one from toddler years as well. He once came home, at the age of 4 or so, from the neighbor's house and declared that he had been playing a video game, but not a violent video game. He used his fingers to make the quotation marks in the air around the words "violent video game."
But why does being thoughtful about our kids' media diets matter? As fellow PT blogger Kimerer LaMothe describes in her blog Plugged in. Turned on. Tuned out., our kids spend around 7 hours a day plugged into media. I've looked at data from various reports and what it boils down to is that kids spend almost all of their free time plugged into media. I agree with LaMothe that one question we should ask ourselves as parents is: "What else are my kids NOT doing when they're tuned into media?" Another question is, "How would the mood and relationships between family members change if we used media less?" Well, my family recently asked ourselves these questions, made some changes, and found out some answers.
Recently, I realized our family media diet needed a good spring cleaning. The kids weren't watching things we didn't like, but they were watching more than we liked. What did my husband Jay and I do about it, and how did it turn out? Basically, we re-grouped. We did what parents always do with kids: we adjusted to the changing moods and habits that occur as kids grow. Jason, for instance, had never been one to watch too much TV. Essentially that had to do with the fact that little boys don't sit still for much of anything. Jason would always, always rather be catching a frog (he really does that) or playing with the neighbors than watching TV alone. Our daughter Regan, on the other hand, likes to keep her own counsel. She is happy to play by herself or to watch TV by herself. And she's only 5, so she can't go around the neighborhood and play, though she really, really wants to. She has to content herself with the fenced-in back yard. It was tempting to let her watch Dora and Kai-Lan and the Backyardigans all she wanted. But we wanted more of her time spent BEING a real Backyardigan than watching them on TV.
So, we just decided to adjust our media rules for the ways the family had changed. And though it shouldn't have been a surprise, it was a surprise - a pleasant one - when the kids simply re-adjusted to the new schedule. Not only did they re-adjust, they clearly preferred it. Now some of their TV time was replaced with more playing together. They got along better than before. They seemed noticeably to be having more fun and to be more relaxed, and so did we. The whole family noticed that with the TV off more, we had more time to talk and do things together. And all these benefits came from just a little course correction. With the average American child spending more than 40 hours a week with media, there's more than a little fat in the system that could be trimmed off and that slimmed down media diet will make a noticable difference in your lives.
Now, that's not to say that all media time is bad time. What I advocate is choosing your media diet wisely - with as much care as you might make your food choices. For instance, we tend to have family movie time on Sunday afternoons. Recently on one of these Sundays, we all watched the movie Stuart Little together. Regan was snuggled up next to me and I noticed, after a tear-jerking scene, that my sweet daughter had tears streaming down her face. She felt so sad for Stuart, and because I was right there, I could hug her and talk to her about it. Did you know that most of the time kids' consume media, it's without parents?
There are all kinds of fun media experiences you can share as a family. My family listens to Kids' Place Live together on the way to school and we laugh together. We play "hidden object" video games on the big screen in our living room together. And check out this family, gathered around the Christmas tree, dancing and laughing while playing Rock Band together:
So, I want to share my confessions with you, but also my triumphs, just to let you know that even the experts don't have to be holier-than-thou. I hope that I can inspire you to try something you haven't tried. Like me, maybe you didn't really realize how great and how effective a media course correction could be. Different things will work for different families. Maybe your TV diet could use a little adjustment: maybe a TV turnoff time that's the same every night, watching only what's recorded, watching no commercials or watching more together. Maybe it's moving the computer or bedroom TV to a family space that'll make things better or changing the rules for your teen's texting. Maybe it's exploring some new media together. Your teenager could show you how to tweet on Twitter or help Grandma get set up on Facebook. If you've tried something that worked for you, share it!
As much as those "Stepford Parents" turn me off, the authentic ones are so great to meet and befriend. It makes me feel so much better when I can laugh about the hard things or get advice from an authentic parent. I love it when people share their (insert sarcasm here) "great moments in parenting" with me. Like the time my toddler taught his classmates the word "crap" - which is something mommy says often when she drives in traffic. Those "great moments" make the real great moments all the sweeter. Here's wishing you some really great moments parenting your digital kids.
References:
Family playing rock band together on YouTube: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y1VH-ZvXoIQ&feature=related
Perfect Parents blog post available at http://distractible.org/2008/01/29/perfect-parents/
Plugged in. Turned on. Tuned out. PT Blog by Kimerer Mothe. http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/what-body-knows/201001/plugge...
