Feeling Bitter?

Many people feel that life has treated them worse than, on the merits, they deserve. For example:

• They have a significant illness.
• They deserve more career success. For example, they’re kind and hard-working and don’t get due credit or even get “laid off” while they see shallow, lazy people get a better deal.
• They’ve fared worse in relationships than they deserve. For example, their spouse turned out to be much worse after marriage than before, for example, while having promised to bring in income after marriage, always found an excuse to not work. Meanwhile, to support the spouse, they’ve worked long hours for years on a job that paid enough when they’d rather do less remunerative but more rewarding work. And to cap it off, they’ve been brutalized in a multi-year divorce war resulting in having to pay a fortune to the person they now hate.
• Business luck made them a business failure, for example, a dishonest partner, or bad timing.
• They suffered personally or financially from having fallen prey to a person’s veneer of niceness. As Shakespeare wrote, ""O, what may man within him hide, though angel on the outward side!"
• They were born physically unattractive or with a prickly personality.
• They were born into a difficult environment: bad parenting, poor socioeconomic environment, etc.

Dealing with bitterness

Of course, it is infinitely easier to write suggestions for coping with bitterness than to implement them. So, upfront, let me apologize for what may well seem like preachiness and lack of empathy. But if I don’t offer suggestions, all I do is legitimate the bitterness, which probably serves you even less than does pious advice.

Pick something new that’s likely to yield a win.Think back to whatever successes you’ve had. Do they offer a clue as to what you might do to get a win? For example, let’s say someone praised you for a project you did. Is there a way you could do projects that require similar abilities? If you met your only compatible romantic partner at a businessperson’s networking event, should you take a course on entrepreneurship?

Keep doing good. Yes, it feels good to be affirmed by others but the real reason to do good is because it’s cosmically right.

Focus on the fraction of your glass that’s full. Even if your glass is only 1/10 full, focusing on the 9/10 will only made you more miserable. And that misery will likely be visible to others, which makes further misery likely. Not only are people wary of those with a chip on their shoulder, they may calculate—probably unconsciously-- that if the world has treated you poorly, maybe you deserve it and so shouldn’t get that job, that date, that special discount.

It may help to remind you of that positive fraction by taking a moment to savor your favorite possessions: a favorite coffee mug, book, fleece jacket, comfy old shoes, whatever.

In comparison, you’re probably lucky. At the risk of sounding like your mother, remember that millions of people in Africa really are starving, getting shot, macheteed, clitorectomied and Ebolaed.

It’s at least partly cyclical. Many people go through periods of bitterness. Perhaps yours will soon pass.

What’s your suggestion? Especially when you’re feeling bitter, you may be resistant to suggestions, so let me end by turning it back to you. Indeed the best ideas usually come from the person. So, what if anything you want to consider doing so you feel less bitter?