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Holiday Boundaries between You and the Alcoholic/Addict
Holiday boundaries between you and the alcoholic/addict.
Posted November 19, 2011
According to one of the many definitions of holiday, "It is a day designated as having special significance for which individuals, a government, or religious groups have deemed that such observation is warranted."
To some the preparation of Thanksgiving, Christmas, Hanukah or whatever special winter holiday you may observe is as joyous as it gets and an opportunity to be and feel festive. Family and friends come together to celebrate taking out the old and bringing in the new.
Hmmmm...a lovely thought, but what if there is an alcoholic/addict in your life and you both desire to spend all or part of the holidays together, yet maybe you are both anxious none the less?
The desire to have the family together can be a strong pull for any parent, spouse, sibling or friend and even with the hopes, desires and promise that everything will go as plan, it is that wise parent, spouse, sibling or friend that presents a clear head as to how they would like to see the festivities gel as it pertains to the involvement of their loved one—the alcoholic/addict.
For healthy openers, you will be more comfortable and confident if you keep in mind that YOU are in control, not the alcoholic/addict. This active role on your part has you establishing fair, yet concrete boundaries and keeping your expectations to a minimum.
I have written previous blogs on boundaries and expectations, but since they are the corner stone for you in dealing with the alcoholic/addict in your life, they are worth repeating.
Here are a few concepts that if implemented could make the difference between a successful holiday experience or a disaster.
1) Pick boundaries that are important to you and MUST be adhered to by the alcoholic/addict or they will not be welcome to participate in the family festivities.
For example:
*Arriving at the designated time, being well groomed and dressing appropriately.
*Being clean and sober is paramount to participation. If you smell alcohol on their breath or they act intoxicated or high you will not let them in, or if they live there, you will ask them to stay away from the festivities until the event is over.
*A cheerful and kind demeanor is also an entry ticket as anger or a "woe is me"; chin on the buttons attitude is not welcome.
2) Keep them simple, doable, short and to the point.
3) Discuss these boundaries at least a week before the holiday activity is happening.
4) Don't defend yourself regarding your decisions and if you don't engage and stay neutral you will be perceived as having a plan that is well thought out and smacks of self respect.
5) Please don't bring up old examples of how the alcoholic/addict let you down in the past as in doing so might provoke an argument which serves no purpose.
6) Have clear ramifications if those conditions are not met.
7) IMPORTANT...make sure that you both understand what those consequences are so no one can dispute a misunderstanding or feigned ignorance as to the intention of the plan.
8) If they don't like your holiday rules and regulations, be committed to a response like "That makes me sad that you won't be joining us, but that's your choice". They now have to shoulder all the responsibility for their decision even though they may try to blame you.
9) Don't let your boundaries be built on quick sand where you acquiesce because the alcoholic/addict spins an excuse as to why they have not lived up to his or her end of the bargain and resorts to tugging at your heartstrings or by yelling and screaming. Please don't fall prey to thinking "Oh well, I'll overlook this because it's the holidays" or "It's the holidays and I just don't want to be unhappy or make my loved one unhappy". This will turn out to be a lose/lose scenario all around.
10) Tell the other family members what that arrangement is so everyone is on the same page and there can be no surprises.
11) Do keep an open mind that if your loved one opts out of the family festivities for one reason or another (doesn't care for someone that is going to be there, isn't ready for a public appearance, etc...) respect that with no guilt, judgment or cajoling placed upon them.
Let's look at expectations.
1) Keep your expectations in check. Realize that you are dealing with someone that might not be as true to their word as you would like them to be and though you might be disappointed, you won't be surprised.
2) Try not to involve the family too much in your jubilant desire that the whole family will finally all be together. Conversely, help them to keep their expectations curbed as well.
3) If your expectations are not met, please remember this is not an affront to you. It's not personal; it's just the nature of their disease and what they may be struggling with at this particular time.
Boundaries and expectations are extremely hard to implement and curb respectively. I know this all too well as I have struggled with them for the last 20 years while dealing with my own family's substance abuse issues. A few months ago I wrote a blog about my own daughter's relapse. This will be the first Thanksgiving in many years that we will spend together.
I don't know whether she will show up with her sweatshirt hood pulled so low I can barely see her chin or with clean hair, make-up and a smile on her face. I have clearly given her my boundaries and she has agreed to abide by them; I pray to God she does, for it will break my heart if I have to turn her away; but turn her away I will if I feel compromised or disrespected. I must be true to my boundaries and leave my expectations in the trunk of the car.
Please remember that you too deserve a fulfilling and memorable holiday. Don't allow your loved one, who may still be struggling in various parts of their disease to take that away from you. I am more than certain that if you don't spend this holiday season with them, there will be others.
If I can be of service, please visit my website www.familyrecoverysolutions.com and I invite you to explore my new book Reclaim Your Life - You and the Alcoholic/Addict at www.reclaimyourlifebook.com
