If you answered yes to some of the questions from yesterday's quiz about perfectionism you may now feel even more critical of yourself but that is not the purpose! The goal is to relax, be in the moment and be honest but not abusive to yourself. Recovery is a lifelong journey not a destination.
Rachel's story:
At 34, Rachel wore many hats. She is a mother of two children under five, a self-employed realtor, wife to a busy stock broker and a supportive daughter with a mom in the early stages of Alzheimer's disease. She is also the oldest child and sister to her three brothers and a friend to many.
Since childhood, Rachel's plan had always been to be a better mother to her children than her mother had been to her. Unlike her detached, self-involved parents, Rachel was attentive, affectionate, protective of her children's physical and emotional health, carefully researching schools and the community they would be raised in, reading parenting books and articles to avoid making any mistakes and saving for their college fund.
Being self employed presented a unique set of challenges. Although she was glad to have flexibility in her work, it also meant that she appeared to be available whenever friends and family needed her. She continually struggled with structuring her time.
Every evening Rachel silently reviewed her list of what she had planned to do and rated herself based on how much she was able to get done, or more importantly, how much she did not get done.
Most days, she was critical of herself when she realized that again she allowed herself to be pulled in a dozen different directions and didn't touch the goals she most wanted to accomplish. The next morning the "to do" list would be a few items longer and she would recommit to completing everything on it by that evening.
Eventually irritability, sleeping problems and mild depression drove her to seek help. The last straw was when she found herself barking at those she loved and putting "things" before people.
Fortunately when she asked her family doctor for medication to help her sleep, she was instead given a referral to a private therapist to help her with how she was feeling. With help, Rachel began to see the futility of her life on a treadmill that never really got her where she wanted to go.
She had to examine her lifelong commitment to being different than her mother and allow herself to be the best mother she could be without comparisons to the past. She had to admit it was impossible to keep it up and that the more she tried to be perfect - the less quality time she would have with her children.
She also saw that a frantic, worried mother wasn't able to be present and nurturing. She had to grieve what she did not have as a child and allow her children to have their own imperfect life experiences.
Once she was ready, here are some of the tools she was able to put into action that helped her find balance:
- Slow Down! Since there is no destination, there is no need to hurry to get there.
- Focus not only your flaws but also your gifts. Flaws are often our gifts misused or overused.
- Accept yourself and others "As Is" for today with a plan and daily effort at improvement throughout life.
- Remember you can only change yourself and that may have a positive impact on those you love.
- Imagine that your negative self-talk has volume control. Turning the volume down works better than trying to eliminate it. Focus on your successes including your new ability to take better care of yourself.
- Come Out! Hiding your fears and weaknesses causes shame. Let the world know who you really are.
- Play and develop a sense of humor, even about yourself.
Change begins on the inside. Being human will always mean being Perfectly Imperfect!
