Frank hates where he lives. Every morning, for the past 8 months, he wakes up, looks around, and feels oppressed by his cluttered 2-bedroom apartment. Mockingly, he refers to the décor as "middle period odds & ends".
The back-story is that Frank is a very successful, well respected, 57 year-old education lobbyist, living in Washington, DC. Divorced 2 years ago after a very long separation, he recently married a "wonderful woman" who is launching a second career. They live together, in a small two-bedroom apartment, with their "odds and ends" and her ‘boomerang' daughter (24 years old, pursuing a master's degree in fine arts). It's crowded, but due to their situations (her full time student status and his child support), it‘s all they can afford.
Frank came in to see me last week, agitated, and said he was determined that they were going to move to another place, "something upscale, a place that reflects my success, that makes me feel better." While he had been complaining intermittently for several months, now he had looked and found a place. With further discussion he told me that the higher rent would put a financial stress on them. I wondered what was driving this urgency. We talked and went around and around the issues.
Suddenly Frank made a connection.
"Oh my G-d, it's the same issue in my business!" he blurted out.
"What do you mean, what issue are you talking about?", I queried.
"I was just passed over for a position as chairperson for the committee on childhood education that I had told you about. Its been bothering me all week. I keep pushing it out of my mind. They voted for this other guy, and @*#! if I understand why! I feel like I am second rate now. The apartment makes me feel second rate too. It's a symbol for how I feel. It's been bothering me for months, but since this committee issue, I literally HATE the apartment. Oh my G-d, I get it - I am trying to alleviate my feeling of being rejected and passed over by spending money on an apartment, which I can not afford!"
Suddenly, he reported, the urgency was gone. He could see that he would be putting himself and his wife in a financially foolish position, spending money to alleviate feelings that were related to a conflict in his life. He didn't like the apartment, but the time would come when they could move. He needed to deal with the ‘chairmanship-issue'.
This was good work, step one. Now, I was wondering, (step two) where did this powerful ‘complex' originate, and (step three) what effect had it had on his life at other times? As it turned out, Frank was regularly passed over by his mother, his father, and his siblings. He was the proverbial middle child, and had a long-standing complex around recognition, being ‘as-good-as' his older brothers. This family constellation, this sibling rivalry had often served him well in his career, however it also left him feeling uncomfortable in professional group situations. As a result he was a professional loner. While he could lobby well for his clients, and achieve stellar results, he could not work comfortably with his peers. So why would they elect him as chair? It was remarkable enough that he got as far as he did, in this peer-oriented organization.
Step four: With repeated discussion around this issue, bringing it to consciousness, and developing strategies to function in a more appropriate manner with his peers, Frank should feel freer to achieve his larger goals, which are to influence the education lobby.
What does this have to do with health? Well, lets imagine that Frank took that apartment, he and his wife and step-daughter moved ($$ and time), he felt the increased financial stress, and they began to bicker.
"Why don't you go to school part time, and work?"
"I thought we had a plan?" she retorts.
Even if they can manage the discussion, with Frank being blind to his unconscious motivation for the move, it's likely he would begin to project onto his wife: "She is not doing enough." Well wasn't that his inner fear, that he wasn't doing enough to become chair, to be as successful as he wanted? And what would the consequences be of this resentment on his stress level, and his mental and physical health?
Certainly there are a thousand and one ways this could play out, but isn't the role of the unconscious, and the displaced attempt to remediate the problem in a material way, an interesting phenomenon with many ramifications?
To Health,
Dr. Hedaya
