He Speaks, She Speaks

A gender communication specialist unravels the mystery of how men and women communicate.

by Audrey Nelson, Ph.D.

Listening or Football?

From his and her perspective

Published on December 28, 2011 by Audrey Nelson, Ph.D. in He Speaks, She Speaks

Actress Shirley MacLaine has said, "Women directors are more conversant with emotional landscapes. They don't cut because it says that the scene is over. A woman director would let the camera roll because spontaneous emotion doesn't confuse her where a man would cut." This is a perfect example of how women and men think differently about feelings and that some adaptation is necessary on the part of men.

Consider this scenario: It's football season, and games are now on television four nights a week. Stacy is sick and tired of being ignored because of football decides to vacuum during an important game. Josh jumps up, annoyed at the noise. "What are you doing?" he demands. "I am trying to watch the game for Pete's sakes!"

"Football, football, football!" Stacy exclaims. "I am sick and tired of it." What's her real message? If Josh were able to read between the lines he'd know she is saying: "Football gets all the attention, and I am getting none!" And if Josh were really smart he would say, "Honey, after the game is over, I want to take you to dinner and spend some time with you!" Bingo. The unspoken message is addressed, and he can watch his game in peace!

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On the other hand, while women appear to be the champions in the listening department, they still have some homework to do! They must be sensitive to a man's level of discomfort when they are actively listening! He may dislike all the attentiveness (face-to-face position, eye-contact, touch). In fact, it can cause him to shut down. Women must be patient—involved, but not too intense. They can self-disclose, but shouldn't tell too much, too soon. It may overwhelm the man. Remember, he is wrestling with his own feelings, and he's listening even though he may not be maintaining eye contact. If he really appears distracted and "tuned out," ask him, "Is this a good time for you? You seem distant." Giving attention is generally not a man's forte!