Having Sex, Wanting Intimacy

Merging sense and sensibility in modern relationships

Stop the Drama Queen Cycle

The next time you call yourself, your daughter, your mother, or your best friend a drama queen—pause, reflect. Ask yourself if you are avoiding your own feelings by not taking those of others seriously. The more you help those you love most to discover and understand their emotions the more closely you will follow your own. Read More

Your argument doesn't match reality

It is not socially acceptable for women or girls to express any negative emotions. Anger especially, is to always be under lock and key. Negative emotions only discredit the female who dares to stop smiling.

i agree

i agree

its socially expected for

its socially expected for girls to express negative emotions what are you talking about.

ie. The crazy ex girlfriend.

The 'crazy' ex-girlfriend is

The 'crazy' ex-girlfriend is labeled crazy because her actions are not socially acceptable or expected.

another label, so that the

another label, so that the guy who has treated his girlfriend in a horrible way can simply brush off her reaction as "crazy" rather than having to do the hard part and look at the effects of his actions. Guys are good like that. Never their fault.

. There are plenty of women


There are plenty of women who are openly negative and outright crazy.

So, it may, technically, be socially unacceptable, but that doesn't seem to be any kind of deterrent.


But Drama Queens do exist

And they aren't what is posted as a description.

In my view the Drama Queen is the woman who seeks out confusion, confrontation and "bacchanal". They create issues where none existed previously, try to be the center of attention, and are excessively emotional along with it.

Every day, or at least every week, there's some sort of crisis that they need to talk about, or to solve.

In my view, that's a drama queen. And that most certainly exists.

i have to disagree. Its the

i have to disagree. Its the problem thats bother them that exists. If someone is bothered by a problem so much that they make that big of a fuss out of it it is that big of a deal and a lack of empathy and understanding form tehir surroundings is creating the chaos and the drama. Allot of the time it is a lack of concern and understanding for a persons feelings thats creating the drama. People who suffer from severe ptsd often have fits when people surrounding them do not empathize or show sever dis-concern for their experiences and emotions. The truth is they have every right to display these disturbances. What does it trouble us to say simply... "we understand" than to call people "drama queens" or names or tell them theyre a problem because them looking for support our sharing their problems bothers us or disturbs us.
We preach all the time telling people if they ever need advice or a shoulder to cry to or someone to talk to not to hesitate, but then when they do we tell them they are spreading negativity or being overly dramatic....
Often we do not consider how much a lack of understanding can hurt someone. If someone is taking the time to share with us and wishes for us to understand so much that they are willing to fight with us to make us understand we should consider how hard is it to say "im listening; i know it hurts; and.... im here for u."
People become irrate when theyve suffered major loss when others do not show empathy for their experiences. Often it is hard for us to understand when we havent experienced these problems ourselves but it doesnt matter how little it may seem a problem to us it is not our problem it si theirs and if they say it is bothering them that much we should take them seriously.
We often give the advice that the only person to blame for our problems is ourselves, but naturally children and adults who come from abusive situations are not to blame for others mistreatment agaisnst them and if they had the choice they wouldnt have chosen to be placed in such an environment. I think the notion is flawed because naturally if we had the choice we would choose to spoil ourselves rotten.
Victims of rape and abuse are often dubbed the problem or "drama queens" when they do choose to share with others around them. They may seem to be over reacting, but until uve been through what they have been through u can not judge that. Since we will never be able to experience another persons experiences for ourselves we should take their word for it because it hurts no one to be empathetic, sympathetic and considerate for another, and the positive reaction u will get from them when u do start to show it will feel really good for u too; All that drama will melt away...
Its important to understand that our failure to express concern for others is what causes others to avoid sharing our problems with others. Its time we stopped blaming the victims and understand it is all of our fault when someone is hurt not just the person who hurt them but us for not showing concern or lacking a willingness to help. It is our behavior that inhibits abuse and allows abusers to commit abuse.
In essence its usually the one doing teh "drama queen" name calling that is create the drama by trying to add salt to an already suffering victims wounds. They are the ones fueling the drama and playing with anothers suffering and pain.
Feeling emotions is healthy and a natural life function. Its is sharing emotions and learning to embrace these emotions shared that we need support with. Our western nation is leading drastically away from preaching empathy for others. It is when someone understands us or atleast aims to that ends the drama and teh suffering.
When someone is hurting take them seriously, and try to understand their pain

I have to say I related a lot

I have to say I related a lot to the part about not being able to identify emotions and it being the cause for one sided relationships and such. Also I never thought about why certain girls, myself included, would have more male friends than female but now it definitely makes sense. Thank you for shedding light onto this connection for me!

I do like the article for

I do like the article for what it pinpoints, let me begin with.
However, i have to say what i have found to be the females that are less accepted in a crowd in our modern times, of American citizens preaching to teach their children to "toughen up" and not be "woosies" a message that has parents teaching their female children as well as male, are the ones who actually express more emotional understanding than a lack of....
These days Americans are not as empathetic preaching and role modeling as we once were. Its more and more common for females who embrace emotion and understanding not just for themselves but for their peers to be coldly misunderstood and considered unpopular for their expressions of care mistaken for signs of weekness.
Not every girl who plays with the boys engaging in sports and and refrains from peer pressure and gossip is mismanaging their emotions. I understand that what the writer is trying to display is that in a social normal state females would socialize with other females and that naturally all females should exhibit a form of nurturing and empathy, but these things are taught and typical do not form in woman until early adolescence. Bullying and "shunning" of a student or child is very common amongst young woman. Not every female that strays from the crowd is emotionally insecure. Feeling saddened by bullying and expressing feelings of distress is normal and healthy. When a mom a dad or a friend is around to comfort us we often take for granted how lucky we are for having that. SOme do not, but it is not the lack of care shown for us that makes us bad.
Good and Bad children come from good and bad situations. This is something psychology proves. I think it is important in Psychology to remember there are no absolutes and no consistency. Every situation is defferent for each individual and stating findings should be stated with reference to the individual experience witnessed and embracing and anticipating the experiences others will share that are contradictory and complementing to our own experiences of witnessing.
In other words. I think it is healthy of some adolescent woman who are being shunned by a crowd due to peer pressure and bullying to stray from trying to impress and seek comfort in relationships that ARE less shameful feeling like playing sports with male peers; often these females find comfort in relationships with a few other females, but not being "popular" is not a reason to consider a child a "problem." Male friendships are healthy for a female and teach them about males as future reference when they become of age for dating and courting.
Extra curricular activities such as sports that young woman take part in when they embrace male freinds due to rejection from females is healthy and encouraged and is a much safer means of socializing than attempting to "belong" or "fit in with a crowd" and should be encouraged.
Often the child considered "rejected" is actually shining a light of leadership and setting an example of discouragement for peer pressure that others will soon follow. Part of becoming an adult is understanding independence, and not needing or looking for the approval of others before doing what u want to do for what u think is right. Often its the very young woman that are not excepted by a crowd who are demonstrating good qualities of emotional awareness than a lack of.


Sadly, human nature is attracted to labels and categories of all subjects-this keeps everything compartmentalized. People are reduced to two dimensional versions of themselves. Having said that, there are personalities who, due to pathological brain issues, can not help but react to changing situations in a way that forces others away.

Drama = insecurity

As the author says, "Knowing oneself emotionally does not mean being overly emotional."

Agreed. But drama queens do exist, and they are overwhelmingly female.

To me, drama = insecurity.
Drama makes good television but bad relationships.

Where does it come from? I believe drama is a need for control because life is scary for the drama queen.

In terms of relationships, I think it comes down to this:

When you feel safe, you let go of your need for control.
When you let go of your need for control, you surrender to the present.

When you surrender to the present, you feel so much happier.
The trick is to:

Trust yourself.
Be with someone who makes you feel safe.

drama queens

I am confused by the topic here. Or perhaps, what I perceive as a Drama Queen. My definition deals with someone who is always quick to blow. Anything has the potential to become a terrible situation for them...and no one ever has it as bad as they do. Because they never deal with their emotions in a healthy way, and never accept that life itself is unpredictable, coupled with a victim mentality such that they somehow never have any responsibility for what takes place and a sad inability to forgive anyone for any wrongdoing, real or imagined, any situation that is not warm and fuzzy causes them to react explosively. They stand precariously on a giant pile of anger and hurt all the time. Because of this, any little thing can be "the last straw" because they are emotionally unable and unwilling to deal with their past hurts and dissappointments. A simple thing like being stuck in traffic becomes the worst thing that ever happened to them. A rainy day is a personal assault against them. A disagreement with a co-worker absolutely ruins their day. And then everyone in the Drama Queens world must endure the rehashing; the anger, the hurt, the horror, the insult! I daresay, anger is their best known emotion...certainly their best friend. The lacking seems to be in acceptance. In compassion. In accepting their role as contributors in their own lives.
I must conclude therefore, my sympathies must go with those who's misfortune it is to have to deal with the Drama Queens in their world.
And yes, Drama Queens will have more male friends because men are more prone to lend a sympathetic ear from either a protective stance or one based on physical attraction.

ok so your post is filled

ok so your post is filled with labels, maybe you should read the article again. The more you dismiss someone and give them dismissive labels, the worse the situation will get. Like the article said, it is you the label giver that has the issue with the emotions from the other person that you are labeling. Maybe if you tried a different strategy and actually validated that persons emotion, however unpleasant it may be for you, because after all it's not about you, but about the other person. Everybody needs to be validated. If you validate a person straight away they won't feel the need to try and find any means possible to obtain validation from you.


-----"Everybody needs to be validated."

Nope. People need to be KNOWN, not validated.

Simply validating them doesn't do them any good. Knowing them does.

"One of the four options we

"One of the four options we have in any problem situation is acceptance. Validation is one way that we communicate acceptance of ourselves and others. Validation doesn't mean agreeing or approving. When your best friend or a family member makes a decision that you really don't think is wise, validation is a way of supporting them and strengthening the relationship while maintaining a different opinion. Validation is a way of communicating that the relationship is important and solid even when you disagree on issues.

Validation is the recognition and acceptance of another person's thoughts,feelings, sensations, and behaviors as understandable. Self-validation is the recognition and acceptance of your own thoughts, feelings, sensations and behaviors as understandable.".........

Sounds like the average man.

Sounds like the average man.

I really think its toxic that

I really think its toxic that this article using the female gender. The type of personality this article is about isn't restricted to sex. I think its more about 'intuitive' types. Just saying. It's a little pitying too...but I've had issues with my mother an extreme intuitive type of person and this article has helped me understand some issues better.

I know a LOT of drama-queen

I know a LOT of drama-queen men but they've managed to dodge the label because they tend to create their drama via passive-aggressive means. They dump their moodiness on their girlfriend/wife cuz they know they can. They pout, stonewall, mumble, glare, dodge any subject they don't like, complain endlessly, use gf/wife as a scapegoat for their own churlish behavior, and whine like spoiled brats.

Then when their victims (girlfriend/wife) have just had it up to their eyeballs and say ANYTHING back except 'you're right' well yeah you guessed it -- the gf/wife is the Drama Queen. The guy has been creating tension and drama non-stop -- almost as though he's just priming you and pushing you for a reaction. But when he finally gets it -- YOU are the drama queen.

Drama Queens don't exist in a vacuum people! Seriously! Think about it it. Most people don't jump, they get PUSHED! Stop being so simple-minded and look at the build-up to the main event. That build-up usually comes from an emotionally stunted man.

oh hey, you know my ex!

oh hey, you know my ex!

Definition of a drama queen

As far as I can see, what you're describing is not drama queens but emotionally challenged people. If we start to use the word drama queen about the emotionally challenged (as if we're not all emotionally challenged to some extent), then what word do we use for people who knowingly uses their emotions and the acceleration of these to control and manipulate situations and people around them? Because as far as I know, that was the meaning of the word drama queen until you came around with you article.

"Drama Queen/KIng" = "Cluster B Personality Disorders"

From what I've read, the term "drama queen" (or "drama king") is used to describe and define those who fall into any of the four Cluster B personality disorders: Histrionic, Borderline, Narcissistic, and Antisocial pds. None of the traits or behaviors comprising this set of disorders are anywhere near normal or healthy.

For a comprehensive list of the diagnostic traits of each of these four pds, Google the website "Out of the Fog.net".

My wife is perfectly

My wife is perfectly comfortable expressing her negative opinions on just about everything...

...which is why she is going to be my Ex-wife -----I've had enough.

Good luck with that bitchy thing ladies.

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Jill P. Weber, Ph.D. is the author of Having Sex, Wanting Intimacy—Why Women Settle for One-Sided relationships.


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