Having Sex, Wanting Intimacy

Merging sense and sensibility in modern relationships

In Effect, Telling Girls Men Are Feral

Girls are socialized to be ‘good girls’ when it comes to sex and are taught that they need to be sexual gatekeepers. At the same time, the culture at large trains girls to believe that their value lies in being sexually desirable. Alcohol offers adolescent girls a way out of reconciling the irreconcilable. Read More

Raising boys

I wish this article said something about raising boys too - they shouldn't be encouraged to be "feral." But many fathers applaud their sons for their sexual conquests, even at a very young age, and do the opposite for their daughters. There should be happy medium because that's just b.s.

Raising boys

I wish this article said something about raising boys too - they shouldn't be encouraged to be "feral." But many fathers applaud their sons for their sexual conquests, even at a very young age, and do the opposite for their daughters. There should be happy medium because that's just b.s.

This article applies to the USA

The points in this article apply more to the USA than a country like Holland where the double-standard is not quite what it is in the USA.

And the author is absolutely right, American parents are often poorly equipped to rid their kids of the double-standard because it goes very deep in our thinking, what we're comfortable with etc. For example, in Holland it is not uncommon for parents to be supportive in having their daughter have her first sexual experience with a boyfriend in their home. But when faced with this thought, a lot of American parents revert back to the double-standard in a full panic and say "That is not happening!" Yet those same American parents might do a thumbs up and wink wink when they know their son is a ladies man in the high school.

Girls have to be good, in our culture

American society loves to put young women under a microscope. Are young women doing well in school? Do they drink? Do they have sex? Are they loud and opinionated?

Americans judge and micromanage young women with delight. But this obscene level of oversight is never administered to young men. If a young man has sex he's revered. If a young man gets poor grades nobody is concerned. If a young man gets drunk and wrecks a vehicle he's just having a good time and being a guy. If a young man commits a crime and gets locked up he's just doing what guys do. This is why there is such a huge difference between the number of incarcerated young men and women, homeless men and women, murdered men and women and ultimately men and women who have mental challenges and commit suicide.

There is no public outcry to demand better behavior from young men, we are left with some frightful results. (Just read Psychology Today, lots of judgment here about what women do, not one suggestion for the men)

I think this double-standard

I think this double-standard is incredibly sexist. Both men and women need to be educated and responsible when it comes to sex, of course. And sex should not be considered something that one gender is the gatekeeper of.

As someone - like millions of other people - that went through high school, the truth about sexuality is incredibly nuanced. I've heard and had discussions with many girls that were very much into sexuality and always talking about the hot boys in school or in the class.

And, as a boy myself, I'm not "feral." I certainly have a lot of times when I don't feel like being engaged in sexual activity at all. And even if I am with someone, I sometimes would rather talk, have dinner, play games, go for a walk, etc...

Post new comment

The content of this field is kept private and will not be shown publicly.
  • Web page addresses and e-mail addresses turn into links automatically.
  • Allowed HTML tags: <a> <em> <strong> <cite> <code> <ul> <ol> <li> <dl> <dt> <dd>
  • Lines and paragraphs break automatically.
  • You may quote other posts using [quote] tags.

More information about formatting options

Jill P. Weber, Ph.D. is the author of Having Sex, Wanting Intimacy—Why Women Settle for One-Sided relationships.

more...

Subscribe to Having Sex, Wanting Intimacy

Current Issue

Let It Go!

It can take a radical reboot to get past old hurts and injustices.