Having Sex, Wanting Intimacy

Merging sense and sensibility in modern relationships

Why Falling Fully in Love is Easier Than You Think

Whether you are married, single or divorced, the merging of unconditional love, passion and friendship with the same person is possible and is within your reach. Perhaps doing this has seemed daunting to you in the past. Here is how to turn your perception of love from skeptic to romantic. Read More

agree, but...

While I agree that it is possible to join all these kinds of love with one person, the reality with many long-term couples is that one partner sometimes is left with the choice of either giving up the relationship entirely or outsourcing one type of love. And in some circumstances the latter is less costly.

And I speak of situations where even therapy and the best of intentions by both parties doesn't resolve the problem.

So while I see the truth in what you say, for some people their life investments are such that they are not free to roam around and find a new perfect mate to replace the former nearly-perfect one to fulfill all forms of love with one person.

Agree

-----" If you feel they do not speak about anything other than going out and having fun or only talk about work or sex, try to see if you can direct the conversation to other topics. If it continues down this road, consider moving on to someone who can let you in on their full self.

This state that you write about generally happens well AFTER you have made the commitment into marriage - sometimes years into the union. So, when that happens within the context of marriage, while you can "move on" it is logistically much more complex - and that is why, after so many attempts to get your partner to "see you", one does a cost benefit analysis and decides that outsourcing might be better than divorce to keep the family intact.

You cannot browbeating a spouse into intimacy - you can, however take measures to improve the overall quality of your own life within the context of your own circumstances. That would include engaging in behaviors that reduce or eliminates self harm. For those married to chronically sexual/intimate distancers who refuse intimacy over the long term (yet expect sexual fidelity) - a decision to outsource either with, or without notifying distancing spouse - might be a solution - at least for a while.

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Jill P. Weber, Ph.D. is the author of Having Sex, Wanting Intimacy—Why Women Settle for One-Sided relationships.

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