Having Sex, Wanting Intimacy

Merging sense and sensibility in modern relationships

From Romantic Heartache to Something Better

The loss of a relationship brings heartache to most. Here are 5 ways to turn the loss and heartache of a breakup or divorce into the golden trophy of a new, healthy and fulfilling love. Read More

this truly helped me

this truly helped me today.... i need inspiration at times

wish I had read this before

This is a very insightful article. I am taking this advice!

what a wonderful and timely article

Thanks to Jill for writing this wonderful article. It really helps, now I got to do is to realize the past and present which create more awareness to my future decisions when it comes to relationships.

Keep this alive, I know there are thousands n thousands like me who keep falling back to the same mistakes.

Time to stop and create a better happy future. Xxoo

Great story

This was a great story for women who keep finding the same type of men who are not healthy for her. I have yet to find, though, a story of somebody like me, whose just past 2 1/2 year relationship was with somebody wholly and totally different than me, and truly different in every way possible from anybody I have ever dated or married before. I stepped back into the 70's, a life before my 23 year military career, a time when I was a little reckless. My life during this relationship took me back to smoking weed a lot and chillin'. It was fun for two years, and then I came to the realization that this wasn't really me. He is a country boy, I am a city girl/military brat (grandmother) who lives in the suburbs. We knew each other back in the 70's (he was a minor and I wasn't, so that was out of the question for me.), in another life for the both of us. We're now in our 50's. What a strange relationship this was, but it was adventurous and showed me what I do not want for my life while I'm still here.

Is this the trend in

Is this the trend in psychologists' relationship advice; basically to find awareness in your relationship pattern and then ditch the high spectrum types that you've been going for and then having your relationship with such types ending up in heartbreaks.

Is it ditching your high spectrum types for the mid spectrum types? That sounds like the flip side of settling for less; having to step out of your comfort zone and basically will yourself to open up to someone you wouldn't typically go for.

Well, what about not ditching them so soon? Why not give them a chance to gain full awareness about their own dating patterns themselves, and together you both work out your baggage? Relationship is a after all, a development.

Or is all this way too idealistic so it's easier that we ditch the partner we suspect as our "fatal" high spectrum types and not really think about what they might be going through themselves, only because we owe it to ourselves to ditch them and then just try your best with your second or third favourite type, just cos you might one day transcend unfulfilling love; settling for less, while you may sooner or later discover you're settling for a lot better in the long run?

Is there any advice on settling for a lot better with the same partner, or statistics show that nobody knows what's the outcome of that risk of sticking to your first choice guy. Nobody knows cos it hasn't been done yet?

Any report on that aspect of healing yourself and your high spectrum partner?

Oh right, Christine Meinecke, Everybody Marries the Wrong Person.

Please spread the word.

You can put effort to heal yourself certainly

Ambitions on your part that you can heal another person within the context of what is being discussed here is probably a waste of time and a bit conceited.

You either accept them as they are while you simultaneously demonstrate and engage in cooperative behaviors that help sustain the relationship. If they choose not to engage in cooperative behaviors over the long term then the ball is in your court as to whether you stay or go.

That would be the "settling" part.

Post new comment

The content of this field is kept private and will not be shown publicly.
  • Web page addresses and e-mail addresses turn into links automatically.
  • Allowed HTML tags: <a> <em> <strong> <cite> <code> <ul> <ol> <li> <dl> <dt> <dd>
  • Lines and paragraphs break automatically.
  • You may quote other posts using [quote] tags.

More information about formatting options

Jill P. Weber, Ph.D. is the author of Having Sex, Wanting Intimacy—Why Women Settle for One-Sided relationships.

more...

Subscribe to Having Sex, Wanting Intimacy

Current Issue

Let It Go!

It can take a radical reboot to get past old hurts and injustices.