Having Sex, Wanting Intimacy

Merging sense and sensibility in modern relationships

Why a "Real" Date Is Better Than Hooking Up

Whatever those awkward moments are during those first few dates for a new couple---i.e. pregnant pauses over a first meal together, inadvertently cutting off one another while speaking, the forced politeness or the inelegance of planning and executing an outing with a complete stranger, these moments are the seeds that must be sown to learn if a partnership can grow. Read More

I find that in dating

I find that in dating situations, both partners tend to present themselves in the best possible way, like with a job interview (which in a way it is). You gloss over your bad habits, extreme religious/political views, or anything that doesn't make you attractive to the other person. So there's way more pressure, and unfortunately down the track if you do find out you're very incompatible in certain areas, you have more invested in them emotionally and therefore more to lose. Plus the resentment that you have had your time wasted with this person.

However in hook-ups or hang-outs, the pressure to be The One isn't there. If someone wants totally different things out of life, that's fine, you can still have fun in the sack or go out together. After all, we do accept difference in our friends and acquaintances that we wouldn't tolerate in partners - most of my friends have children and one is Christian, both of which are deal-breakers for me in a relationship.

I agree with the "hooking up"

I agree with the "hooking up" and "friends with benefits," but I think hanging out isn't a bad option. Sometimes, it's good to be friends first. People often meet at work, school, church or other social situations where they have the opportunity to get to know a person before deciding whether or not to go on a date, and I don't see a problem with that. But if two people meet and don't have a regular "crowd" in common, I think for some of us, it can be good to just "hang out" at various events and get to know each other first.

Hooking up

I absolutely despise the feelings involved with the act of dating. I find that the tension only mounts and the awkwardness only increases as I try to interact with my dates. So I dont date ... I just have FWB relationships. I find that when I am not dating I am most at ease and feel most myself. I dont feel that the effort is worth trying to change, even though I end up feeling hurt when my FWB decides to find a relationship.I think that my only option is to stop participating in FWB relationships and to not date either.

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Jill P. Weber, Ph.D. is the author of Having Sex, Wanting Intimacy—Why Women Settle for One-Sided relationships.

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