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Why are some teenage girls expressing an attraction and even fondness for the Boston Bombing suspect Dzhokhar Tsarnaey? They have taken to Facebook, Twitter and Tumblr to proclaim his innocence and to praise his looks.
A girl who falls for the bad guy is an old story, but developing a crush on a sociopath is out of the norm for most women. That is not necessarily the case for those who struggle with a sense of low self-worth. They may be pulled by their own needs toward emotionally withdrawn, dark personalities and social deviants.
Benumbed to reality, there can be a tendency for disempowered women to experience a sense of power by being associated with detached and mysterious men, even if only in their imagination. In the case of the Boston Bomber, it may feel especially self-validating to be connected, however tenuously, with a character who has attracted so much of the world's attention. Associating with such a person is a way to distract from all of the worthless feelings a woman may harbor. Instead of seeking someone who will provide her with the care and empathy she needs and deserves, she provides it to another who is entirely underserving.
In some respects this is similar to the fascination teenage girls have with vampire characters in movies and books, unsavory characters are sometimes merely a way to forge a separate identity and to defiantly (perhaps rebelliously) declare oneself independent of authority —parental or otherwise. Some of this is normal teen development, but being drawn to a criminal is obviously an ineffective way to forge independence.
Some girls in our culture are hyper-socialized toward caring about the feelings of others to the expense of their own feelings. This too sets them up to be drawn to dysfunctional men who are not capable of maintaining a mutually beneficial relationship. Yet they see these men as needing “help” and “care” and this allows a girl, or woman, to push her negative self-image temporarily to the side and to feel better about herself by providing sympathy and nurturance. Those who struggle with self-esteem have blind spots when it comes to people and they may not have learned how to identify men who are simply unhealthy.
The culture at large doesn't help. Movies and other media laud a kind of bad boy/good girl dynamic that in reality leaves women unhappy in relationships that meet the man's needs more than their own. We see this in films where a woman works hard to eventually get a non-committal man to soften, voice his emotions and commit. Almost as if he is a better catch if she has to convince him to be a decent person.
At the same time, social media has the capacity to normalize toxic attractions. If a teen girl sees others expressing fascination with criminals, misfits, vampires and such, it becomes easier for her to fan a small flicker of similar feelings into a flame. Social media can be the vector for transmitting contagious emotional flaws. In an earlier day, a toxic impulse might fade to nothing when unsupported by the example of others.
Like so much of what negatively impacts the identity development of girls, the bad-boy phenomenon endures when it is not addressed directly. Parents should pay attention before their girls develop crushes on bad boys. Talk with girls as young as 9 or 10 about what qualities healthy men project. Discuss men who do not project health. The media provides plenty of ready examples, real and fictional, that can be used for conversation. Explain how a man may appear attractive on the outside, but that it takes time to learn a person's true inner character. Debunk the fantasy of the dark, aloof, sexy and mysterious man through communicating the reality that these men are often emotionally cut off from themselves, cold with others and make lousy partners. And be sure girls hear you say that they deserve more than that.
Jill P. Weber, Ph.D. is a clinical psychologist and author of Having Sex, Wanting Intimacy—Why Women Settle for One-Sided Relationships. Click here to follow Jill on Facebook or here to follow Jill on Twitter @DrJillWeber.
