People marry for all sorts of reasons. People enjoy being married and stay married for reasons that evolve over time. Though studies have shown being married is associated with a longer life span (for men, at least), I don't believe—nor is there evidence—that a married life necessarily results in more happiness in the long run than a life lived singly. However, marriage is challenging in ways that living singly is not. Because viewing the challenges of a given situation in the context of a parallel situation can generate a fresh perspective and energy for problem solving, I thought I'd describe an analogy that—while not able to encompass or explain every aspect of married life, including the wonderful and necessary dimension of love—has nevertheless served my wife and I well: marriage as a business proposal.
HOW MARRIAGES ARE STRUCTURED LIKE COMPANIES
All the remarks that follow can be applied to same-sex relationships as well.
Marriage is like a business but not all businesses are created equal. A marriage is more like a Partnership than an LLC, a partnership whose purpose is the management of a shared life. Partnerships are formed as a result of two companies merging. Mergers are always performed to improve the profitability of the two companies involved. Profitability is defined as net gain. Good partnerships result from a careful choosing of partners that have a shared vision for a company, complementary skills, and similar long-term goals. How each partnership defines these parameters will vary depending on the type of partnership in question and in general defines your partnership's business plan:
- Net gain: Is it lots of money? Lots of travel? Lots of romance? Lots of stimulating conversation? Just what does each partner view as the main benefit of marriage?
- Vision: Will the partners spend a lot of time together or a little? What activities will you do together and what activities will you do apart?
- Complementary skills: Is she a good organizer? Is he a good accountant? Is she a bargain hunter? Is he good with contractors?
- Long-term goals: Does he want kids? Does she want to live in the suburbs?
THE MATCHING PRINCIPLE
If one company takes over another, you don't have a merger—you have an acquisition. Acquisitions aren't about the coming together of equals. Acquisitions are about one company absorbing another into itself while retaining the essence of its original identity, an identity to which the absorbed company remains subservient. Certainly, many marriages are built on the acquisition model. And not that it can't work, but because people in general tend to grow more independent over time, the acquisition model may become problematic as the subservient partner feels increasingly less inclined to remain so.
Though acquisitions are difficult, true mergers—where two companies come together as equals to create a blended entity resulting in a new whole greater than the sum of its parts—are even harder. Though opposites may indeed attract, as the saying goes, in my view usually (though not always) in a mutually pathological way (eg, the attraction between a overly dependent person and a person who needs to be needed). In general, to be successful as a new company, mergers must abide by the Matching Principle, which states that the two companies involved must be evenly matched in certain key areas:
- Physical appearance. We don't like to think this matters, but if one of you is significantly more attractive than the other and one or both of you is insecure about it, the marriage could easily find itself poisoned by jealousy.
- Intelligence. Too great a difference makes enjoyable conversation between partners difficult.
- Educational level. Same comments apply as in #2 above.
- Personal interests. Not that you need to have identical interests, but there must be some degree of overlap.
- Beliefs. Religious, moral, and political (in descending order of importance). Not that you need to have identical beliefs, but if yours lie too far apart, the friction may generate enough heat to cause irreparable damage in the long-term.
- Interest in children. Hard to have a successful marriage if there isn't agreement on this issue.
- Degree of happiness. If one of you is significantly happier than the other, it's hard to create a happy partnership.
- Grieving styles. A psychologist friend of mine once suggested that couples don't divorce because they suffer devastating losses, but rather because they have incompatible styles of grieving. (Or because one partner refuses to let the other grieve as they wish). Unfortunately, most couples will eventually grieve together over something. I discussed grieving and grieving styles in a previous post, Letter To A Widow.
EIGHT STRATEGIES FOR LONG-TERM SUCCESS IN PARTNERSHIPS
Certain business processes, if followed, will help safeguard the long-term health of your partnership. The problem most partnerships face isn't that they don't perform these functions but that they don't perform them consistently. The reason standard operating procedures (SOPs) work to make businesses successful is that they're actually "standard"—that is, they're applied by every member of the partnership. SOPs aren't a part of every business model, but businesses that use them are in general more successful. Here are some important SOPs you might want to consider incorporating into your partnership:
