I know that To Catch A Predator's moment in the sun has passed and any reference to it may seem dated and passé. But, I have small children and I have not watched television in several years, so for me the reference feels very fresh! I live in an entertainment time capsule, and everyone will just have to deal, so there. All this being said, I feel confident that I am not the only one fantasizing about Dateline NBC's Chris Hansen getting in a time machine and blasting off to Jack Nicholson's house in 1977. How different things would be if there existed grainy hidden camera footage of Polanski rounding the corner toward the bathhouse, with a grocery bag full of champagne and Quaaludes. Would the Polanski defenders see things differently if he had been out-ed on national television like so many modern predators? Would less people be publicly leaping to his defense if they watched this last week*, on "To Catch a Predator," and he was just another lowlife trying to have sex with a 13 year-old? Is it the passage of time, the fact that this happened in the swinging seventies, or the fact that he is a revered artist that make people not only look the other way, but defend and make excuses for his crime? What chemical shift in our brain tricks us into allowing nostalgia and art to alter our opinion of hard facts?**
Enough of this mumbo-jumbo, let's imagine the scene, shall we? I believe it would go something like this:
Polanski, nude, approaches the Jacuzzi, only to find it empty. From beyond the shadows, Chris Hansen pops out. Polanski quickly covers his genitals with his grocery bag.
Hansen: Hi, Chris Hansen, Dateline NBC.
Polanski: Oh...
Hansen: Expecting someone else? Where are your clothes, sir?
Polanski: I, uh, I was allergic to the fabric...(noticing the equipment) What are these cameras doing here?
Hansen: We're filming a television special, sir.
Polanski: Do you think this lighting is right? Are you going for the Godfather effect? Everyone's ripping off Gordon Willis nowadays!
Hansen: What's in the bag, sir?
Polanski: Uh...nothing.
Hansen: May I take a look?
Polanski: There's nothing to see in here, really. How did you get in? Are you a friend of Jack's?
Hansen: Mr. Polanski, let me look in the bag.
Polanski sheepishly hands over the bag, awkwardly looking for a new way to conceal his nether-regions, he grabs his camera and uses it to cover himself. Chris Hansen removes a bottle of champagne and some pills from the bag.
Hansen: Care to explain this?
Polanski: What? It's sparkling cider.
Hansen: It says right here, Champagne. (picking up the pills) These look like Quaaludes. Are these Quaaludes, sir?
Polanski: I was only going to give her half of one!
Hansen: She's thirteen years old, sir. You were going to give a thirteen -year-old girl alcohol and narcotics? What is the camera for, sir?
Polanski: That I can explain! I'm an artist, a filmmaker; I was taking photos of the girl.
Hansen grabs the camera, once again exposing Polanski.
Polanski: Hey, hey! C'mon, man!
Hansen: Why are you nude, sir? Do you generally take pictures naked?
Polanski: I told you, the fabric! Cashmere doesn't agree with me!
Hansen: Were you planning on attempting to have sex with this girl, sir?
Polanski: Sex, what is sex? You speak in abstractions!
Hansen: Intercourse, sir. Were you planning on having intercourse with the girl?
Polanski: I think I left the espresso machine on.
Polanski, still nude, makes a run for it. Moments later, Polanski is tackled on Mulholland Drive by six armed and clothed police officers. In a bizarre twist of reality, Polanski is actually arrested and the crime is not committed.
*For the last time, I know they haven't made new episodes for several years, will you please stop harassing me for this!
**My desperate attempt to make this relevant for Psychology Today.
