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"Thus, if a child is angry and shouts rebelliously, ‘No! No!’ it is an unusual parent who takes this as an opportunity to teach the child to recognize his own feelings with a statement ‘I know you’re angry because I’m busy and can’t play with you.’ ” – Silvan S. Tomkins
For some time now, we have been discussing development and its three pillars: feelings, language, and cognition. We have been immersed in feelings. Most recently, we have explored the crucial feeling of interest (curiosity) and what enhances and inhibits it. Last month, we examined the ways in which curiosity can be constricted in infancy, i.e. the preverbal child. This month, we discuss how curiosity can be restricted as the child begins to use words.
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As the baby begins to verbalize, usually somewhere between one and three years of age, the interferences with interest can take different form. Parents often get anxious about the expression of feelings and the use of certain words and phrases. Hence, they often act to suppress this expression, rather than use these expressions as opportunities for understanding how their child is feeling and as a learning experience for the child.
As we noted previously, one of the three major keys to emotional life is to allow the expression of feelings. Initially, in the preverbal child, this will be in facial expressions, vocalizations, and movements. Later, words will come into play.
Sometimes parents forget to translate the words back into the feelings in order to understand what the child is experiencing and what signal is being sent. How is curiosity squelched and constricted on a verbal level?
“I hate you! I no like you!”
It can startle and hurt parents the first time their verbal child says “I hate you” or “I no like you.” The first impulse may be to try to stop the flow of words: “Stop that! We don’t talk like that here!” However, the words “I hate you…I no like you” are usually reflections of excessive distress, or anger, and we want those feelings expressed. All negative affects are SOS signals. They are calls for help, whether nonverbal or verbal.
I remember a story about a family which had been on vacation, and father had lots of good times with his 2 ½ -year-old son. They returned home and father went to work. He returned home, went to kiss his son, and his son says, “No kisses! I hate you! I no like you!”
What happened here? As they sorted it out, this family realized how much fun the little boy had had with his father on vacation. Then his father went off to work. The little boy felt sad and abandoned, and he missed his father. He was hurt, distressed, and angry. And when he saw his father again, he expressed his anger in words. He had been interested and excited about spending time with his father, and the interest had been interrupted, and the anger emerged.
The family was able to understand this, talk about it, and thereby maintained a good interaction between father and son. The interest was understood, and the feelings behind the words were translated and appreciated. The anger was correctly understood as an SOS signal, and the problem was figured out.
“Mind Your Own Business”
How many of us heard the phrase, “mind your own business,” or “MYOB,” when we were young? And how many of us use that phrase almost automatically at times as a parent? Now, often it is necessary to establish boundaries, set limits, and provide structure. However, frequently the “mind your own business” stance comes in response to some curiosity or interest on the part of the child. “Mommy, how much money do you make?” “Daddy, what did you say to the neighbors?” Or “How much did our house cost? What were those people doing over at our home last night? How much do you pay in taxes?”
These questions reflect the stimulus-seeking brain at work and the triggering of the interest affect. They are wonderful opportunities for learning. One can begin talking to the child about financial matters, giving information and eliciting feelings. If the parent is concerned the child will talk about private financial matters inappropriately at school, for example, one can ask her to keep such discussions and information at home. They usually will.
Questions about feelings are learning opportunities as well. The child asks if the parent likes Mr. or Mrs. So-and-So. The parent can elicit the child’s feelings, and also talk about his or her own positive, negative, or ambivalent feelings. This sets the stage for discussing all kinds of relationships, friendships, romantic feelings, and problems with people.
“Why? Why? Why?”
Children can often get on their parents’ nerves with the seemingly-incessant question, “Why?” And, sometimes a child is looking more for interaction with the parent than for an answer or discussion about a question. However, frequently enough the “why” of the child represents the stimulus-seeking brain, the interest affect, and the exploratory tendencies.
In addition, responding positively to the “Why’s” can convey that their child’s interest and curiosity is of interest to the parent. The parent thus provides the crucial function of validating both the child’s feeling of curiosity as well as the content of the curiosity.
The “whys,” then, create a learning opportunity. First, the child’s curiosity itself is validated. Second, the parent has an opportunity to convey information to the child. Third, the parent can convey to the child how he/she thinks about things, how the parent tends to problem-solve and make decisions. “Why are we turning here, Mom?” “Well, I realize traffic is moving slowly here, so I thought we might try the street two blocks over… there’s no construction there.”
Finally, one also has the opportunity to start a process with the child. The child’s “why” might elicit from the parent any one of a number of responses which could initiate a discussion: “Why do you think the light is blinking? What do you think we should do?” This can start a discussion, a process, helping the child weigh pros and cons, aiding reality processing as well as creative thinking. One positive outcome of this type of interchange is the child does not simply get answers. Rather, she begins to internalize a decision-making process.
“Bad Words”
The child’s using so-called “bad words” represents another area within which learning can be either constricted or enhanced. It is not unusual to hear the words “damn” or “crap” come flying out of a rather small mouth. Some people recommend immediate punishment, or even “washing the child’s mouth out with soap.” However, these strategies again seem inhibiting and constrictive. These types of strategies subvert an opportunity for learning.
Instead, why not reach for the dictionary? Talk about the word, what it means, where the child heard it, how you feel about it, where and when it may or may not be appropriate to say it; this is consistent with the stimulus-seeking brain and enhances rather than restricts the curiosity of the child. Learning takes place, rather than inhibition.
“Don’t Talk to Me That Way!”
How many of us have heard—and said—this phrase? And yet, let’s step back and try to recall under what circumstances those words have been uttered. Usually, I would suggest they are responses to some insult or disagreement that leads the parent to say, “Don’t talk to me that way” or “in that tone.” The parent’s feelings have been hurt.
So let’s ask: what feelings might be behind what the child has said? Has the child said, “I hate you,” or “You are a lousy father,” or something similar? These phrases all suggest the expression of distress and/or anger. In other words, the child has probably suggested in words that they are distressed or angry about something.
How else might one handle this? First, translation is necessary – what feeling(s) is being expressed with the words? Then, perhaps, one might say: “You sure seemed distressed, or angry… the way you put it hurts my feelings… maybe we can figure out a better way to express what you are upset about—one that gives me more information. Let’s talk about why you are distressed and what you are angry about.”
“Disrespect”
Usually when a parent feels a child is not showing respect to a parent, it is when the child is expressing distress or anger. The issue is similar to the phrase, “Don’t talk to me in that way.” One wants to try to identify the feelings behind the disrespect and comment on them. Is the child distressed? Angry? Scared? And about what?
The idea about allowing the child to express her feelings at home does not necessarily mean “anything goes.” One can, while acknowledging the child’s feelings, also set reasonable limits on the verbalizing. That is, one walks the line between encouraging the verbalization of feelings, but also sets limits on personal attacks. One might tell the child that you understand she’s angry, but the way she’s expressing her feelings hurts your feelings. Or one might try to convey that you hear she’s angry, but “just telling me you hate me doesn’t give me any information about how I disappointed you and how we can fix it.” In other words, ultimately the goal is to figure out what the problem is, what triggered the feelings, and what possible solutions exist.
“Because I said so.”
Why do I have to do this or that, asks the child. “Because I said so,” is the frequent response. Sometimes parents are in a hurry, or attending to a dangerous situation, and they don’t have time to explain their reasons. But when parents do have time, these interactions provide a wonderful opportunity for learning.
Why do I have to go to school? Why do I have to put my coat on? Why do I have to take a bath? All these questions can be explored further to find out what the child is trying to express. Perhaps one will find there is room for negotiation. It is a positive development for the child to realize a rational discussion can take place around these issues and caretakers can be reasonably flexible.
In addition, these questions give the parents a chance to think and talk about why something is important and to discuss their decision-making process. This process of letting the child in on the parents’ thinking and decision-making is crucial. “Because I said so” cuts off further learning and discussion. Talking about why something makes sense or not enhances the child’s decision-making capacities. And learning a process of weighing pros and cons, and then making informed decisions, will help a child far more in life than simply a set of stated rules or demands.
“Shut up!”
The parent saying “Shut up” to the child is a pretty blatantly inappropriate way of telling the child to be quiet. It expresses the distress and anger of a parent who has heard enough. Needless to say, there are better ways for a parent to deal with their child.
What about when a child says “shut up” to a parent? The motivation may be the same—the incoming stimulation to the child is getting too distressing and enraging. When the child says “shut up,” one’s first response may be “don’t say that to me,” or “we don’t use that phrase in this house.” But this shuts down the communication process. “Let’s talk about what you’re distressed about” or “It seems you’re upset by what I said”—these approaches open up the possibility of discussing the feelings, which is what one wants. And, one can certainly say something like: “I’m not thrilled with the term ‘shut up’—that doesn’t give me much information.” This sets some limits on the provocative phrase “shut up,” but allows for further communication.
A Few Years Later …
A five-year-old boy is sitting with his mother on the Amtrak train. After a while, he starts moving around—in his seat, aisle, everywhere. His mother begins to try to keep him settled, in his seat. Her voice gets louder, sharper, more punitive, and he starts getting more and more upset.
Does he have any of “the big three” problems? That is, is he tired, or hungry, or sick? Let’s say no, he doesn’t seem to be. Then what is going on? Understanding the feelings of interest makes it all clear. The brain is stimulus-seeking. This little boy is looking for something to do—his brain is doing just what it is supposed to! Mom brought no books or drawing materials.
How many times have you seen this type of pattern, at the grocery store, restaurant, airport, train? And how many times does it end up with the parent raising his/her voice and often hitting the child? Actually, this presents something of a dilemma. So, what to do? Does one intervene, or is that too intrusive?
I have adopted what I call mini-therapy. I have about 90 seconds to make an intervention which may help.
- First, I try to form an alliance with the parent, by commenting on what a terrific young man or young lady he/she has for a child.
- Then, second, I try to describe what is happening: “I think he’s just a little bored…” “His active brain is doing just what it should… he’s looking for something interesting to do.”
- Finally, third, I’ll offer something to them, whether some pictures out of a magazine, or some paper and a pencil to draw a picture on, or whatever. And, if the parent has become intrigued, I’ll explain a little more about interest and curiosity and how important it is.
Most of the time, this sequence proves to be very useful—at least for the short-term episode.
To summarize: Tthere are a variety of ways interest can be interfered with, verbal as well as nonverbal. This interference can be overt or quite subtle. Given the importance of interest/curiosity for our learning, adapting and creating, one wants to enhance, not interfere with, interest. This is consistent with one of the keys of development, i.e. allow and encourage the expression of all feelings.
References for Interested Readers
Holinger PC (2010). Small steps. Am J Psychiatry 167: 752-3.
Tomkins SS (1962). Affect Imagery Consciousness Volume I: The Positive Affects. New York: Springer.
Sussman R (1989). Curiosity and exploration in children: Where affect and cognition meet. In Learning and Education: Psychoanalytic Perspectives (Field K, Cohler BJ, Wool G, eds.). Madison CT: International Universities Press, Inc., pp. 245-266.
Quotes of the Month:
"Nothing great was ever achieved without enthusiasm.”– Ralph Waldo Emerson
"Let’s raise children who won’t have to recover from their childhood.”– Pam Leo
The Caribbean Coalition for the Abolition of Corporal Punishment of Children (CCACPC), formed in 2013, aims to speed the prohibition and elimination of corporal punishment of children across the Caribbean. Hazel Thompson-Ahye, based in Port-of-Spain, Trinidad, is the part-time Coordinator for the Coalition. Visit their site to learn more >>
Bad News of the Month: In 19 states in the USA, physical punishment in the schools is still legal. The states are Alabama, Arizona, Arkansas, Colorado, Florida, Georgia, Idaho, Indiana, Kansas, Kentucky, Louisiana, Mississippi, Missouri, North Carolina, Oklahoma, South Carolina, Tennessee, Texas, and Wyoming.
