A reader asks:
We haven't been sure if the problem is with both my parents or just my mom, but last night it seemed as though it's mostly my mom. Sarah is almost 4 months old. Her whole demeanor changes when she sees my mom and she'll start crying. A few times it has been horrible, painful sounding cries. Last night, the crying was a little more intense than just fussy crying. Usually Sarah gets over it eventually, but hours had passed last night and she would still start crying as soon as my mom looked at her. My mom is so upset; we're very close and my mom stayed with me the 2nd week after she was born and Sarah seemed so comfortable with her. The only reasons for this happening that I can think of are: most of the time my mom is around, I'm not, or she remembers when my mom fell down the stairs holding her (she needed 5 stitches). Any insight would be greatly appreciated.
My response:
Thank you for contacting us. There may be several possible explanations. A bit of so-called stranger anxiety may be appearing - in other words, anyone who is "not-Mom" may elicit a distress reaction (even Dad or others who are around a lot). This may be particularly so given what you said that most of the time your Mom is around, you are not. In your daughter's mind, then, grandma's presence equals loss of Mom, with the consequent upset! And perhaps the trauma of the fall with your Mom and the stitches contribute as well.
The main thing? Be patient, and accept her feelings. And reassure your Mom that things should work out fine for her to have a fun relationship with her granddaughter. If your Mom's presence heralds your absence, perhaps giving your daughter one of your sweaters or robe to cuddle with (something that has your smell on it) or a picture of you or a tape recoding of your voice might help ease the separation. Again, the main issue is patience - as she grows older, learns language, and so on, this will calm down. You can also talk with her, even now, and tell her what's happening, and label her feelings, telling her you understand she's distressed and may be angry and scared. It is never too early to start putting words to the feelings - children understand much more than we used to think, and they understand words long before they are able to speak. More on this later.
Thanks for a great question! And don't hesitate to keep the questions and comments coming - I will do my best to keep up!
