A while ago I read a Dear Abby column. In it she advised a reader NOT to call off her engagement with her boyfriend, a soldier in Iraq. Responses from the readers varied, some agreed saying it's just too much for soldiers-they have enough stress to contend with. Yet others did not-one person wrote, it's better to end your relationship while they're overseas instead of waiting till they return, because of the support system that's already in place for soldiers overseas.
But one letter struck me powerfully. It came from a mother of a soldier who received a "Dear John" email from his wife. After reading the email the soldier talked to his wife over the phone, then went out and shot himself in the heart. The mother of the soldier blamed her daughter-in-law for her son's suicide stating, "If only my daughter-in-law wouldn't have told him, then I would still have my son."
I'm a survivor of suicide: my husband shot himself in front of me. I know the nightmare this family is living. And to me there are three tragic aspects to this story: The first is the tragedy of the young man who took his life. The second is the tragedy of the young wife who is probably blaming herself for what her husband did. I know this aspect all too well; it's how I felt and it nearly destroyed me. And then unfortunately, there is the third sad part to this story-the blame the mother is putting on the daughter-in-law for what her son did. I'm familiar with that too; my mother-in-law was quick to blame me for what my husband did to himself.
The mother's reaction and her quickness to blame her daughter-in-law for the actions her son took, is unfortunate and all too common. I'm sure she prayed every night for her son to not get shot by the enemy-and then to have him take his own life had to be devastating. As parents we feel responsible for out children. It's common for parents to feel guilty or ashamed for their children's actions, and it's often easier to blame another person or a circumstance. But blame is not the answer.
I recognize that fighting in a war has got to be its own kind of hell and a deep source of depression. Added to that, ending a relationship can also cause deep depression. But ending a relationship is going to be hard no matter where you are-at war or at home. Should it mean that the spouse or significant other at home should put their lives on hold for years, even though they no longer want a relationship with the soldier? And won't it be just as devastating to hear the news when they return home?
I don't have the answers, but what I learned from my own healing and counseling is emotionally healthy people do not commit suicide, and that many people hide their suicidal intentions because of the shame they feel. This soldier had issues he was struggling with, issues he kept hidden and cannot be blamed on his wife. What's so sad is he did not receive the help he needed.
According to the American Foundation of Suicide Prevention tens of thousands of people will commit suicide each year and more than a million people will attempt suicide. And the number of soldiers committing suicide is skyrocketing.
So what can we do? Let's create a dialogue where people feel safe to partake in. Let's talk to each other, to our kids, to our soldiers. Let's take the shame away from how we feel and the judgment away from how others feel. Let's replace it with understanding and compassion. Let's find a way to let each other know that talking about suicide and reaching out for help is okay. And finally, let's encourage our military to set up a support system that provides effective and sustainable help and treatment for soldiers' emotional needs.
I truly believe if we can take the shame out of how we feel more people will reach out for help, and if more people reach out for help, then there will be fewer suicides.
