When I was a little girl I used to dream about marrying a man just like my dad. In fact, when I was real little I would argue with my sisters about who was going to marry Daddy. He was like a God to me-tall, muscular, handsome and powerful. I knew he would protect me and take care of me.
My dad was an Air Force test pilot back in the 60's and he flew his jets the way he lived-fearless and in control. He definitely had the "right stuff," along with the respect and admiration of everyone who knew him. And like all the pilots who had the "right stuff" he could hold his liquor.
He was commanding even at home without ever raising his voice. He was my mom's knight in shining armor. She lived to please him and he loved her for it. He was a typical military man of his time-in charge, domineering, and very chauvinistic. He didn't have much respect for working women. In his mind, he found it hard to put the same value on women and the work they did compared to a man. He believed women had a very specific role in society-to be subservient, and caretakers of the children and house.
Tragically, my father died in a plane crash when I was young, so I grew up hearing lots of stories about the amazing man he was, how everybody admired him and how happy my parents were together.
As a young woman I consciously set my sights on finding a man just like my dad, so I could be happy too. But to no avail, needless to say, all of my relationships were utter disasters. There wasn't a man out there that could measure up to my dad-or so I thought.
The death of my husband forced me to examine my whole life. It was then I realized how wrong I was. Not only was I attracting men like my dad in stature, and intelligence, but in behavior too. The most common traits were their inability to value my ideas or independence, needing me to fill a specific role for them, and all of them were big drinkers.
Shockingly, I realized too that I'd become my mother-I became conscious of my belief that if I were like my mother, then I'd find a man like my father. The epiphany was acknowledging I don't want to be like my mother, and I don't want a man like my father after all.
I've come to appreciate my father in a completely different way. No longer with the mind of a child needing his approval, but as a mature, grown up woman who's unafraid to acknowledge and even love the most imperfect parts of her dad.
Now, I am attracted to and appreciate men who are nothing like my father. I've become acquainted with men who are respectful of women, who are close to their children, who are balanced and secure enough not to be threatened by strong, independent or successful women-men who are unafraid to show sensitivity or emotion, and who are not big drinkers.
So why can't I find a man with the "right stuff?" Because I no longer want one...
