Gender

Gender, Class, & Proms: High school rites of exclusion

Does it matter if the prom excludes certain students from participating?

Posted March 29, 2010

Well, ‘tis the season of limos, corsages, gowns and tuxedos. Many of you may have already heard about the recent controversies surrounding a prom in Mississippi. The school cancelled their annual event rather than give permission to Constance McMillen to bring her girlfriend. They also did not want to allow her request to arrive in a tuxedo instead of a ball gown. Why do these exclusions matter? How lasting are the impacts of being denied participation in this familiar rite of passage? How does students' economic status impact their participation in prom? What can be done to counteract these harmful trends?

Although end-of-year dances are not part of the formal, or official, curriculum of schools, they still hold a significant amount of symbolic power in the lives of high school students. Proms are usually planned for older students and their dates (Junior-Senior Prom) and have been represented repeatedly in films and TV such that these events are highly anticipated and thus, extremely emotionally loaded nights. Through films such as Carrie (1976), Pretty in Pink (1986), Prom Night (1980/2008), American Pie (1999), Never Been Kissed (1999), 10 things I hate about you (1999), and countless high-school based TV shows such as 90210, The O.C., and Gossip Girl, the media mythology of the prom is constructed to produce high expectations about dating, sex, heterosexual desirability, as well as to promote excessive spending in order to have "the best night ever". However, in many of these media representations, there are major crises around participation in these events - finding a date, finding and affording formal attire, securing transportation to the event, and finding a way to psychologically and physically (see Carrie and Prom Night) survive the night.

I remember my first prom. I was in 10th grade and was invited by a Senior (grade 12) student to attend the "Senior Dance." I was quite excited to get to attend this event with all the older kids in school and was looking forward to the night. My date and I had very different expectations and the night ended in disaster. He genuinely wanted to spend time with me and I was too preoccupied with maintaining other social interests such that I didn't want my whole night to be spent with just one guy. I was pretty awful in my teen-girl-ness. I went to a boarding school, so it was an on-campus affair and many students wore dresses that they borrowed from roommates and neighbors, so it didn't have the same build-up I know my public school friends experienced. This included shopping for the "right dress" every Saturday for 2 months, working extra jobs to help pay for a limo, and booking appointments for hair and nails at the local salon. Most folks I have spoken to about prom share my opinion that the build up and the planning was always much more exciting than the actual event. Inevitably there were fights, break-ups, and disappointments. More often than not, someone ended up in tears. Often, it was me. However, this modern version of the Cinderella story gets told and re-told and high school students want to believe in the images they've seen and experience a magical night with their friends and hopefully the date of their choice. In 11th grade I got to go again, but almost cancelled on my date after getting a black eye playing baseball. The year of my final prom, I agonized so much over who to invite, I finally settled on taking a good friend who kept ditching me to make out with his girlfriend. Prom was never as good as it was in my mind leading up to the event.

So what does this have to do with gender and class? Just as any tradition that finds its roots in fairy tales and princesses, it serves to reinforce and lend value to certain gendered expressions, heteronormative relationships, and corporate-constructed experiences. It erases and disregards students' lives who don't easily fit in these molds. Students whose families can't afford tuxedo rental or a formal dress often experience stress and disappointment as they witness their friends excitedly plan for the event. Students who can't bring the date of their choice or who are uncomfortable in highly gendered attire (tuxedos and ball gowns - the choice of drag performers everywhere) may also feel stress and anxiety when friends and family try to pressure them into conforming to the norms of these events. Don't even get me started on the myth that this is the night that most teens lose their virginity. Kidshealth.org has some helpful suggestions to support teens facing some of these difficult issues in the build up to prom night.

When I was teaching high school in New Hampshire, I had the good fortune of chaperoning the first ever youth-organized prom for gay and lesbian youth in that state (2001). This event had students arriving in same-sex and mixed-sex couples wearing formal and costume attire that made them look and feel fantastic. There was a drag show and 2 prom kings and 2 prom queens were selected (a male and female king, and a male and female queen). Over 200 students came from all over the state and it was so empowering to witness the joy in the faces of my students who often tried to avoid detection at school and often seemed to be hiding themselves. This end of year dance celebrated individuality and respected and recognized all the youth for presenting themselves the way they wanted to be seen.

I want to applaud and congratulate youth around the US and Canada and local community organizations who support such alternative proms to help rewrite the scripts and undo some of the negative messages that get repeated and amplified in these rituals. It is important for ALL students to be welcomed and included at school events and I hope that Constance's courage and perseverance will help other schools rethink and take steps to transform their cultures, traditions, and policies that govern the prom.