Gay's Anatomy

Gay Guise: When Straight Men Have Sex With Other Men

Joe Kort — Wed, 15 Oct 2008 20:13:49 +0000

There is a lot of talk about Bromances these days. The urban dictionary definition of a bromance is described as "complicated love and affection shared by two straight males." But what if the two men decide to have sex? Does that make them gay or bisexual?

When girls do this in Girls Gone Wild they are not accused of being latent lesbians or bisexuals. Their sexual orientation is not speculated about at all as it turns out. But this is different for me.

Understanding Straight Men Who Have Sex with Men

There's growing evidence that many men who have sex with men aren't all gay or bisexual. According to the Centers for Disease Control, more than 3 million men who self-identify as straight secretly have sex with other men-putting their wives or girlfriends at risk for HIV infection and other sexually transmitted diseases.

A recent New York City survey that appeared in the September 19, 2006, issue of the Annals of Internal Medicine found that nearly 1 in 10 men say they're straight and have occasional sex with men. In addition, 70 percent of these men are heterosexually married. In fact, 10 percent of all married men in this survey reported engaging in same-sex behavior during the previous year.

To best understand these men, therapists and clients need to be able to differentiate four terms that are often confused: sexual identity and orientation; sexual preferences; sexual fantasies; and sexual behavior. Contrary to common usage, they aren't always in alignment.

Sexual identity and orientation encompasses one's sexual and romantic identity, in which thoughts, fantasies, and behaviors work together in concert. It's the alignment of affectional, romantic, psychological, spiritual, and sexual feelings and desires for those of the same or opposite gender. Sexual orientation doesn't change over time. One's sexual behaviors and preferences might change, but like one's temperament, one's orientation remains mostly stable. The term also refers to how someone self-identifies, not how others may categorize him or her. Some people self-identify as straight, while others self-identify as gay or lesbian, bisexual, or questioning. It's important as therapists to ask your clients how they self-identify, regardless of with whom they have sex.

Sexual preferences refer to sexual acts, positions, and erotic scenarios that someone prefers to have while engaging in sexual activity. The term takes into account what individuals like to do and get into sexually, not necessarily with whom they like to do it. Preferences and erotic interests can change over time, as one becomes more open or closed to certain thoughts and behaviors.

Sexual fantasies are any thoughts that one finds arousing. They can encompass anything-sexual positions, romantic encounters, body parts, clothing and shoe fetishes, even rape. Sexual fantasies aren't necessarily acted out. In fact, in many cases, they aren't.

Sexual behavior is any behavior intended to pleasure oneself and/or one's sexual partner. It doesn't necessarily reflect one's orientation. For example, men who are imprisoned engage in sexual behaviors with other men, but do so out of sexual necessity, not because of erotic interest in another man. They desire the behavior and the sexual release it achieves, and the gender of the partner is secondary.

For straight men who have sex with men, same-sex encounters aren't about romance or sexual attraction and desire, but about sexual and physiological arousal-"getting off" with another who's male and accessible. They don't sexually desire or get aroused by looking at other men, only by the sexual act. But if they don't actively desire other men, how do they get to the point of having sex with them? These men typically want to bond with and get affection from other men. Their behavior may reflect a desire to experiment, to engage in something that's taboo, or to express inner psychological conflicts involving their sexual feelings and desires that have nothing to do with having a gay or bisexual identity.

Straight men who have sex with men do so for a variety of reasons. Some have been sexually abused and are compulsively reenacting childhood sexual trauma by male perpetrators; some find sexual release with another man more accessible; some have sex with men because it's easier and requires fewer social skills than those required to have sex with women; some are "gay for pay" and get financial rewards; some like the attention they receive from other men; some like anal sex, which they're otherwise too ashamed to talk about or engage in with their female partners.

When I learn that a straight client is having sex with men, I ask a series of questions: What is your interest in men? Do you prefer one type over another? Do you feel drawn and compelled to satisfy your sexual urges with men? Do you care about the physical appearance of the man? Do women play any role in the fantasy? Is it different for you if they aren't? I also try to listen for the themes running through their sexual interests and fantasies, which often decode aspects of their personal identity and histories.

For more information go to www.StraightGuise.com.

Alienation or Affirmation: 10 Common Mistakes Straight Clinicians Make When Working With Gays and Lesbians

Joe Kort — Wed, 15 Oct 2008 03:57:02 +0000

1. Not disclosing your sexual orientation when asked

Often gays and lesbians call a therapist for an initial appointment asking your sexual and romantic orientation. Many therapists believe that is a therapeutic question best left to the consulting room and do not answer. You will most likely lose the referral if you are not open about your own orientation. While this may be a therapeutic issue, clients who make initial calls still want to know who they are entering treatment with.

2. Denying your own homophobia and heterosexism

We are all imprinted from childhood to be heterosexist and homophobic. To deny this is a form of covert homophobia. Checking your countertransference is imperative when working with gays and lesbians. Without doing so you will inadvertently collude with their internalized homophobia (IH). For example a gay client might say, "I don't know why they all have to act that way" and you might say, "Yes I don't know why either" rather than assessing the IH within your client.

3. Lacking local resources for gays and lesbians

Every therapist working with gays and lesbians should have easy access to local resources for your clients. One of the most important tasks for these clients is homosocialization. Contact your local gay community center or get online to see what is in your area in terms of newsletters and local gay newspapers.

4. Using the wrong terminology

Appropriate terminology to use with gay clients no longer includes sexual preference or alternative lifestyle. Preference implies that it is a choice--which it is not--and heterosexuality is the alternative lifestyle for gays and lesbians. The correct word is sexual and romantic orientation. Homosexual is as offensive as would be the words negro and colored would be to an African-American today or crippled once was used to described physically challenged individuals and would be offensive if used today. The correct word is gay and lesbian.

5. Lacking information about the stages of coming out

Knowing the stages of gay and lesbian identity development is essential for clinicians. Without this information therapists can misunderstand certain thoughts behaviors by a client. For example, stage five (identity pride) resembles an adolescent stage of development-so it is expected that short-term relationships with some sexual promiscuity would occur and be developmentally appropriate. In stages one and two clients prefer to be identified as homosexual and not gay or lesbian. The Cass Model of coming out is the most widely used in Gay Affirmative Therapy.

6. Misunderstanding Mixed Orientation Marriages (MOM)

Countertransference is very high when it comes to working with couples with one straight partner and the other gay. Therapists often rush in to support divorce and move on with their lives or stay together-particularly if children are involved. The reality is these couples need to decide what is right for them-not the therapist. Knowing the stages of coming out as a MOM couple is important.

The stages are:

1) Humiliation

2) Honeymoon

3) Rage

4) Resolution.

7. Being a blank screen

Therapists who favor a more psychoanalytic approach by being a blank screen to their clients and using little to no self-disclosure can do more damage and wounding to these clients than good. Lesbian and gay clients walk in with existing wounds of feeling and/or being shut out by others in their lives because of their sexual orientation. They need relational models in therapy. Appropriate self-disclosure by the therapist is essential and therapeutic in assisting these clients.

8. Neglecting to recognize that gay adults were once gay children

I have a quote; Would the small child you once were look up to the adult you have become? Your lesbian and gay clients were once gay and lesbian children. This makes most people-including clinicians-uncomfortable as people do not like to think of children as being sexual. However, being gay does not equate to being only sexual. Heterosexual adults were once heterosexual children. While most gay and lesbian children did not self identify as gay or lesbian they will tell you they knew they were different. How they knew and what made them different is important in helping them with in the consulting room.

9. Leaving your waiting room void of gay and lesbian literature and paperwork

Waiting rooms say a lot to clients about you as a therapist and your work. Lacking lesbian and gay literature, magazines and newspapers communicates a heterosexist stance to your clients. Does your intake form as about sexual and romantic identity? Does it include partner and significant other in addition to married and spouse? If you worry that some straight clients might have a negative reaction to this check your own heterosexist attitudes and homophobia.

10. Believing that a "couple is a couple"

So often I hear well-intended therapists say, "A couple is a couple" in an effort to show they are non-judgmental toward gay and lesbian couples. However, gay and lesbian couples are very different than straight couples. While there are similarities, there are very different dynamics that two men or two women bring to a relationship than a man and woman do. The "Doubling" factor refers to intensified traditional gender role conditioning of both partners. Male couples are often disengaged having magnified issues around restricted emotional expression, achievement, competitiveness and sexual expression. Female couples typically are too engaged and struggle with enmeshment, lacking differentiation, and lack of sexual expression.

The Terms "Homosexual" and the "N-word"

Joe Kort — Sun, 12 Oct 2008 17:40:57 +0000

Using the term homosexual to describe a lesiban or gay individual is offensive and is like using the "n-word" to describe African-Americans. The negative connotation of the word homosexual came initially from both religions who are against homosexuality and also from early psychoanalysis. Before the 1970's it was widely believed that one could change from gay to straight. While there is a minority of groups and individuals who still believe this today, they are just that--a minority.

In fact, those who are anti-gay and believe that homosexuality is always a sign of pathology never use the word "gay". They always use the term homosexual because they say there is "nothing gay about being a homosexual" and that it is a choice-which today we know is not true. To read more about choice versus non-choice I suggust you read Jesse Bering's excellent blog.

Homosexual orientation is okay to say but to say homosexual community or "He is homosexual" is offensive. If you read an article or listen to something in the media where the word homosexual is used you are most likely reading something anti-gay or homo-ignorant-meaning that the author, journalist, speaker or reporter does not understand the negative connotations of the word.

Although the term homosexuality is still used, describing gays and lesbians as "homosexuals" is as offensive today as the words Negro, colored, or crippled. The correct words are gays and lesbians or GLBT (gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgender) community.

Terms like sexual preference and alternative lifestyle are no longer considered appropriate. Preference implies that sexuality is a choice-which it's not-and for gays and lesbians, heterosexuality is the "alternative" lifestyle. The correct term is sexual and romantic orientation.

The gay male and lesbian communities use different terminologies and jargon in each community. Of course, some overlap exists between gays and lesbians, but each group has its own unique slang, "code" words, and euphemisms, and in cases of overlap, the terms may have different connotations for each community.

Over the years, other minority groups have changed how they want to be referred to in an attempt to change how they're treated. For example, African-Americans went from being called "Negro" and "colored" to "black" and "people of color" and finally to the current politically correct term African-American. Today, the word queer, once a pejorative term, is often used in a positive way. Dozens of books and articles are published with queer in their titles, and the term has come into common, affirmative usage by lesbians and gays as well.

It is always best to ask how you're a person with same-sex orientation self-identifies and use the same terms he or she uses, even if you feel uncomfortable with them on a personal level. For example, I don't personally like to use the term homosexual. But when my clients identify themselves as "homosexual" and dislike the terms gay or lesbian, then that's the word I use. To me, the word gay is affirmative and refers to a life of being out and open about one's sexual/romantic orientation. However, many people in the beginning stages of coming out feel uncomfortable with the term. Similarly, some lesbians prefer to be called "gay" rather than "lesbian," whereas others find the term offensive when used to describe women.

It is also important to understand that some "reclaimed" terms used by gays and lesbians to refer to themselves are considered offensive when used by straight people. For example, some lesbians call themselves "dykes" and some gay men call themselves "fags," but these same lesbians and gay men would take offense if a straight person called them that. (In fact, there is some disagreement in the gay and lesbian community itself about these terms, with some gays and lesbians finding them offensive regardless of whether it's another gay person using them.) In these cases, straight individuals should not use the same terminology the client uses, just as a Caucasian person should never use the "n-word" to refer to African-Americans, even if some African-Americans use the word themselves.

If you are unsure about whether your using a term might be considered offensive, it is best to not use it until you have established a rapport and can ask the lesbian or gay person how he or she feels about your using it.

50 First Marriages Having a Gay Old Time!

Joe Kort — Sat, 11 Oct 2008 18:29:17 +0000

Massachusetts is now the third state to allow gay marriage. I never thought I would ever see something like this in my lifetime.

In 2004, my partner Mike and I decided to vacation in Provincetown and tie the legal knot after 11 years together.

This wasn't our first marriage, however. And there were no divorces in between-we were never married to anyone else.

And the other 49 marriages we intend to have will be the same: one state at a time.

This statement sounds like either a riddle or a paragraph from the life of Elizabeth Taylor or Zsa Zsa Gabor.

The truth is, we were religiously wed under Reform Judaism in the fall of 2000. Our family and friends joined us, and for us it was a romantic, emotional, affectionate and spiritual day.

However, it was not legal.

Under Reform Judaism, all we had to do was agree to raise our dog Jewish and we assured the rabbi she would have a "Bark Mitzvah." For us though, this marriage was political. We wanted to be a part of the process of legalizing marriage for gays by participating as it unfolds. As in the movie, 50 First Dates, we're intending to hold 49 more first marriages.

We knew that the minute we returned hom, our license would be nullified within Michigan. You see, if straight people marry in one state there are laws in place to recognize it within other states. That ours would not be was upsetting but we wanted to go through the process of marriage anyway to formally and spiritually commit to one another.

I thought about two books I've read, Why You Should Give A Damn About Gay Marriage by Davina Kotulaski and Gay Marriage by John Rauch. Both speak about how we, as gays and lesbians, are forbidden from joining the adult fraternity of married couples. I resent that to no end, and resented it even more after reading it in the books. I particularly like the way Rauch puts it:

Marriage confers status: to be married, in the eyes of society, is to be grown up. Marriage creates stakes: someone depends on you. Marriage creates a safe harbor for sex. Marriage put two heads together, pooling experience and braking impulsiveness...We all need domesticating, not in the veterinary sense but in a more literal, human sense: We need a home. We are different people when we have a home: more stable, more productive, more mature, less self-obsessed, less impatient, and less anxious.

He points out that even if you're not married, the sheer prospect of marriage is a great domesticator. "If you hope to get married," he writes, "and if your friends and peers hope to get married, you will socialize and date more carefully...you make yourself marriage material." I am 41 years old, and have been an adult for long enough that I deserve to be treated like one.

When Mike and I turned in the paperwork for our marriage license, pride and honor overwhelmed me. We fell in love with each other all over again. Just as when we married religiously before, now doing it again legally brings back the romantic times of our early experience together.

We're making up gay etiquette as we go along!

We were so excited about this remarriage turning into an emotional and romantic one again, that we decided to buy more rings! Yes, gay men and jewelry jokes aside, we decided that our initial bands had been engagement rings. Now, our diamond rings from our religious ceremony would become our formal religious rings and our new rings would be our legal rings.

Entering the jewelry store where we found what we wanted, we discovered that newspapers around Massachusetts had nicknamed this store "the Gay Tiffany's." A couple who had been together for 52 years had bought their rings here, and appeared on "Good Morning America," as did these jewelers who sold them the rings. The jewelers showed us the couple's photo and pictures of others who bought rings from their store and married in P-town. I actually started crying as I looked at the picture of these two men who waited 52 years to make it legal! Then when they took our picture, I was filled with pride and honor.

We found a minister who married us. And there we were, legally married. For the remaining days of our trip, we were legal kin!

Marriage is a way to re-romanticize your relationship!

Getting married was a politically and romantically joyous experience. I cannot wait for our next 49 chances!

We're Here, We're Queer, Get Used To It!

Joe Kort — Wed, 08 Oct 2008 05:11:03 +0000

October 11 is National Coming Out Day--a day for which Hallmark has even made a card. But not everyone is keen on coming out. Everyone has their own comfort level to how far they will go in the coming out process.

A while ago, a gay couple-I'll call them Tony and Don-came to see me, because they were about to break up. Tony, an outgoing guy, was active in the gay community, and on various groups and political committees. He had many friends, most of them gay and lesbian and mostly (if not only) his-because Don wouldn't attend gay events.

Don didn't like "labels." Adamant about not being an "in-your-face" gay man, he didn't want to build a life around what he "did in the bedroom the night before." He felt it was Tony, not him, who had a problem with their lack of mutual gay friends. To Don, being gay clearly meant sexual acts, nothing more. Declaring he was "more than that," he felt no need to socialize in the gay community or even be around other GLBT people.
Don wasn't involved in the gay community at all, much less out at work, worrying that if "discovered and outed," he'd lose his job as a teacher. So while Tony went to various events, Don wouldn't join him. Predictably, Don resisted my suggestion that he try attending gay events, objecting that I was trying to convince him to "wave a Gay Pride flag."

I do encourage clients to involve themselves in GLBT organizations, for the psychosocial benefit and for political ends. Often I see couples where one, like Tony-is out and involved, while the other, like Don, is either closeted or out to only a few, and not involved in the community. With this negative weight on their relationship, they go few places where others can see them as a couple. Consequently, their relationship is rarely validated. I see many partners nearly break up or grow apart, simply because either or both of them resist getting involved in the gay community in some way.

I liken being gay to being Jewish, African-American, or any other minority culture. Children of minorities usually grow up in neighborhoods with others of the same race or religion. Families can attend community centers and houses of worship to strengthen their ties and affirm their identity.

From a very young age, individuals build a foundation to springboard they can use for later personal and social development. They share the secure feeling of being part of something larger than themselves, helping them feel proud of who they are. Ultimately, affirming one's core identity increases self-esteem and leads to healthy relationships. Oprah cites the Supremes being televised in 1965 as contributing to her later success. She ran through the house screaming, "Colored people on TV!" Her family came to watch with her, proud to see three beautiful black women singing.

We gays and lesbians have to build similar foundations-starting in adulthood. GLBT children cannot watch "Will and Grace," and shout, "Homosexuals on TV!" and receive their families' support. Denying one's core identity leads to poor relationships and ultimately, depression. In defending his "right" to keep himself isolated and suppressed, Don was on the verge of losing his partner. Tony, in turn, despaired increasingly about going to events alone-because Don worried about being discovered if he accompanied Tony to parties that weren't even gay!

Ultimately, Don did decide to take the plunge and join Tony at a few gay events. Frightened and hypervigilant at first, he started to feel more comfortable in gay circles, feeling the power of groups and the reinforcement that gay is good. He found himself positively mirrored by other gay men. Partnered couples supported and honored his relationship with Tony, even giving him tips on what worked for them. His relationship with Tony improved and strengthened.

Discovering the power of being around others like him, Don obtained a sense of belonging. The goal of getting involved won't necessarily make you into a political activist. Many people, including myself, do that, and for us, it works. For others, simply getting involved in the gay community is psychologically refreshing. Most other cultures and minorities nurture each other with that sense of belonging. Why not ours?

The Heterosexual Questionnaire

Joe Kort — Tue, 07 Oct 2008 04:49:57 +0000

The following is a tongue-in-cheek questionnaire designed to illustrate the heterosexism implied in these same questions asked of lesbians and gays.

Heterosexism is the belief that everyone is, or should be, heterosexual. It is the belief that rights and privileges should only go to heterosexuals and that any other sexual or romantic orientation either doesn't exist and/or is inferior to heterosexuality.

Gays and lesbians experience these questions in the same way a heterosexual would. When people say that living gay is an "alternative" lifestyle I always tell them that for me living straight is an alternative lifestyle.

Gloria Steinem illustrated the insanity of sexism by stating the question, "What if we do to men what is done to women?" She writes that if men were given lower paying jobs than women, lowered their chances of climbing the corporate ladder, and had to endure other forms of sexist acts they would be appalled and everyone would see the insanity of what is done to women.

Imagining heterosexist questions directed at straights illustrates the insanity done to gays and lesbians.

Questions for Heterosexuals
developed by Martin Rochlin, Ph.D., 1977

1. What do you think caused your heterosexuality?

2. When and how did you first decide you were a heterosexual?

3. Is it possible your heterosexuality is just a phase you may grow out of?

4. Is it possible your heterosexuality stems from a neurotic fear of others of the same sex?

5. Isn't it possible that all you need is a good gay lover?

6. Heterosexuals have histories of failures in gay relationships. Do you think you may have turned to heterosexuality out of fear of rejection?

7. If you've never slept with a person of the same sex, how do you know you wouldn't prefer that?

8. If heterosexuality is normal, why are a disproportionate number of mental patients heterosexual?

9. To whom have you disclosed your heterosexual tendencies? How did they react?

10. Your heterosexuality doesn't offend me as long as you don't try to force it on me. Why do you people feel compelled to seduce others into your sexual orientation?

11. If you choose to nurture children, would you want them to be heterosexual, knowing the problems they would face?

12. The great majority of child molesters are heterosexuals. Do you really consider it safe to expose your children to heterosexual teachers?

13. Why do you insist on being so obvious, and making a public spectacle of your heterosexuality? Can't you just be what you are and keep it quiet?

14. How can you ever hope to become a whole person if you limit yourself to a compulsive, exclusive heterosexual object choice and remain unwilling to explore and develop your normal, natural, healthy, God-given homosexual potential?

15. Heterosexuals are noted for assigning themselves and each other to narrowly restricted, stereotyped sex-roles. Why do you cling to such unhealthy role-playing?

16. Why do heterosexuals place so much emphasis on sex?

17. With all the societal support marriage receives, the divorce rate is spiraling. Why are there so few stable relationships among heterosexuals?

18. How could the human race survive if everyone were heterosexual, considering the menace of overpopulation?

19. There seem to be very few happy heterosexuals. Techniques have been developed with which you might be able to change if you really want to. Have you considered aversion therapy?

20. Do heterosexuals hate and/or distrust others of their own sex? Is that what makes them heterosexual?

The "JONAH's" Brothers and the Jewish Holidays

Joe Kort — Sun, 05 Oct 2008 17:47:21 +0000

There is an article in AISH.com which is a website on Judaism and Spirituality. I have been reading their material for years and much of it is very good.

There is an article called, The Straight Path Home: My personal struggles with homosexuality. The essence of the article from the writer, "David" is that he does not feel that homosexuality is right for him nor does he see himself as a gay man. He writes:

I didn't have to "change" anything. The definition of teshuva is returning to one's true self, one's soul. The sexual attraction I felt to other men wasnot my true nature; it was an attempt driven by my yetzer hara, my baser self, to satisfy unmet needs, a symptom of missed developmental opportunities and distorted perceptions.

Most of his article is good in terms of his own personal struggle with SSA and his Judaism. I write about this very issue of straight men who have sex with men and are not gay at StraightGuise.com. I acknowledge as a therapist and gay man myself that there are men who exist who act out homosexually and are not gay.

The problem with "David's" article is that he believes that all those who struggle with SSA's are not innately of a homosexual orientation and therefore cannot lead healthy lives as gay men and lesbians. This is not true as I have seen differently in my own life and amongst my clients who ultimately come out as gay.

However, there are definitely many men who struggle with SSA's and never come out--nor should they--because either they are not gay and the SSA's are a result of other problems or they are innately homosexual but living a gay affirmative life would be fraught with problems.

The place the author, "David" is misguided--and anti-gay--is when he paints a broad brush about all men who struggled with SSA is here:

I grew up in what psychologists call a "triadic family" -- it is so common in the backgrounds of men who struggle with homosexuality that it has a name. A distant or belittling father, an emotionally smothering or needy mother, and in the center a boy with nobody to guide him on the path to manhood. A boy or whom manhood has become dangerous, threatening, distant. A boy who grows up feeling different from other boys and men, yet yearns to connect with them, with his own masculinity.

As a therapist I see many men--both gay and straight alike--coming from this type of background that are not gay at all--nor are they struggling with sexual issues of any kind.

This belief that this family dynamic is "so common in the backgrounds of men who struggle with homosexuality" is old-school thinking from the 1960's and false. In addition it doesn't address lesbianism at all. We now understand that when a gay child has a distant father and emotionally smothering mother that this is the result of having a gay child, not the production of one.

It is like the old theory that Schizophrenic children were the product of "refrigerator" cold mothers. That is, until we discovered that Schizophrenia is genetic and the mothers were detached from these babies because the babies could not attach to her. Psychiatry and Psychology had to reexamine that false dynamic created around this. I have treated straight men and women with family dynamics exactly like this and, again, their suffering does not include anything related to homosexuality.

Then the author addresses JONAH, which he feels helped him. However here is what JONAH is really about:

JONAH

Jews Offering New Alternatives to Homosexuality (JONAH) is a Jersey City-based Jewish "ex-gay" ministry. The organization adheres to NARTH's archaic reparative therapy model and promotes the work of the International Healing Foundation's Richard Cohen, a discredited fundamentalist Christian therapist and former Moonie who was expelled for life from the American Counseling Association in 2002.

JONAH perpetuates the unwise idea that gay people should marry, even if they are not attracted to their opposite-sex spouse. According to an article by Rabbi Joel Beasley posted prominently on JONAH's site: "But even if their innermost desires remained unfulfilled, it does not matter. It may never become clear why some people do not feel predisposed to marrying someone of the opposite sex. The obligation remains.

Marriage is meant to teach people how to rise above their own selfish needs in order to give to a partner who is both psychologically and physiologically different." This idea of marriage at all costs is cruel and unfair to the gay individual struggling to accept his or her sexual orientation. But, it is just as harmful for the spouse, who will likely find an unsatisfying marriage that may end in heartbreak and divorce.

JONAH is so wedded to its interpretation of doctrine that it seems to have little regard for the feelings and legitimate needs of people - including children - who would suffer inside such catastrophic marriages. In the same article by Rabbi Beasley, crass stereotypes are used to oppose same-sex unions and promote heterosexual marriage: "Same-gender marriages might have been too easy. As one essayist put it, male couples would have been able to sit around and watch ballgames all day; female couples would have been able to sit down and really talk about one another's feelings. But marriage is meant to challenge
each of the partners."Perhaps, the biggest concern that most Jews have about JONAH is that it appears to be a front for converting Jews to Christianity.

While there are a few obligatory Jewish resources on the organization's website, the majority of the books recommended to readers are written by born again Christian authors. Works offered on the site by Richard Cohen, Joe Dallas, Jeff Konrad, Alan Medinger and John Paulk are deeply sectarian and consider believing in Jesus Christ as Lord and Savior a crucial component in "overcoming" homosexuality.

JONAH even pushes a book co-written by Wheaton College's Stanton Jones and Pat Robertson University's Mark Yarhouse entitled, "Homosexuality: The Use of Scientific Research in the Church's Moral Debate." For Jews who attend Synagogue, not church, this reading list may seem a bit peculiar, if not downright offensive. It is debatable whether JONAH's real mission is to create ex-gays or ex-Jews. Like other ex-gay organizations, JONAH keeps no statistics and offers the promise of change without any documentation of success.

The group relies on anecdotal stories and promotes a therapeutic approach that is not supported by any mainstream medical or mental health organization.

I hope that those who read Gay's Anatomy can understand that while there is help available you must ensure that you are receiving the correct help that does not include hateful information and ways of an organization the ways in which JONAH, NARTH and any other reparatative therapy organization does.

There is nothing wrong with someone who has unwanted interests and behaviors toward sexual experiences with other men. There is something very wrong with those who say that man has to be gay or could never be gay. There are many things between this and the man needs to have the right to search this out himself.

A great book on homosexuality and Judaism on this topic is Judaism and Homosexuality: An Authentic Orthodox View. The author states that there is nothing in the Torah which states that homosexuality is wrong and bad. It does state, however, that if it is not your "true" identity than you should explore the reasons for the sexual acting out of homosexual behavior.

Behind Acts of Homophobia Are Homo-Ignorance and Homo-Avoidance

Joe Kort — Sat, 04 Oct 2008 14:35:47 +0000

A number of times I've had straight men notice my wedding ring and ask if I'm married. I'll say, "Yes," because I am. When he asks my wife's name, I pleasantly correct him and tell him that I'm married to a man whose name is Mike-who is my husband.

Often, the guy steps back and immediately exclaims, "Dude, I'm not gay!" He may then proceed to ask, "Why did you tell me you're gay?" as if I had a sexual motive. He might even freely tell me he was "grossed out" by the idea of my "wanting" him. Now, I never implied that he was gay by telling him I was, nor did I have any ulterior motive. I was simply correcting him for thinking that I am straight and married to a woman.

When people wish me a Merry Christmas. I nicely tell them I am Jewish; whereupon they usually respond politely by saying, "Oh, sorry! Happy Hanukah!" I've never seen anyone back away, exclaiming, "Dude, I'm not Jewish! Now all I can do is imagine you in a yarmulke in synagogue and I'm grossed out. You're trying to convert me?"

This story is an example of homophobia. In the late 1960s, George Weinberg coined the term homophobia for "the feeling(s) of fear, hatred, disgust about attraction or love for members of one's own sex"; the word first appeared in print in 1969. Then, as now, some fear associating with lesbians and gays-physically, mentally, and emotionally-lest one be perceived as "one of them." Fears of venturing beyond accepted gender-roles can afflict even lesbians/gays, though straight men are typically more homophobic.

Today, homophobia does not apply as it was originally defined, in not fitting the definition of a true phobia: an uncontrollable, irrational, persistent fear of a specific object, situation, or activity. The terms more important today to track in yourself and others are homonegativity, homoprejudice, and even homo-ignorance. Ignorance-by lacking information and having misinformation-is likely the biggest foundation for any of the three.

Homophobic Examples

Since I started my private practice in 1990, I have created and now maintain a mailing list that goes out to thousands of people, gay and straight alike. Originally, when I did my first mailing to advertise my gay men's group therapy and weekend workshops, I just thumbed through phonebooks. Scanning for local gay listings and likely gay-friendly businesses, I compiled a mailing list of about 500 addresses.

I'd been receiving unsolicited mail for years, and thought nothing of sending out a little of my own. To save time and money, I printed up a batch of one-page flyers, tri-folded them, and affixed a sticker to make sure they'd stay shut. I added a stamp, my return address, a forwarding request, and dumped them in a mailbox. I figured that recipients, if not interested in my flyer, would simply toss it or at best, pass it along to a friend.

Following the mailing, I received several heartening calls from men in the Detroit area, eager to join a gay men's group. To their knowledge, nothing like this existed. And if it did, it hadn't been advertised-until now! But other callers were outraged.

"How dare you send me this mailing about a gay group with no envelope?" If closeted, they might have dreaded that child, husband, or wife would see my flyer and connect the dots. Still others were simply annoyed at my presumption that they were gay. Would they have been offended if I presumed they were straight?

To be honest, none of this had ever occurred to me! I simply wanted to advertise my services and expertise.

My next mailing was in a sealed, opaque envelope. Walking into my office, I heard-on my answering machine-a live call from a man screaming that he'd received my mailing on gay men's groups and workshops, and that he was not gay and wanted to be removed from my mailing list. But he was speaking too fast for me to jot down his name and address. When I picked up, to ask him to speak more slowly, he insisted, "I ain't gay, never been gay! Just because I slept with a guy once, that don't make me gay!"

Too much information! I'd never asked if he'd had sex with men, nor had I assumed he was gay. He'd simply received a piece of mail from me about workshops for gay men. I told him, "Calm down! Slow down. Give me your name and address, and I can get you off the list."

Women also suffer from-and commit-homophobia. After my next mailing, a women left a voice message saying that she was "not gay," but rather, "a good Christian woman," and how dare I send her a piece of mail regarding homosexuality? She then proceeded to swear at me and left her name, to be removed.

After yet another mailing about my gay weekend workshops, I got a call from a woman who was quite angry and contemptuous-but restrained. How did her name get on my list, and why? Keeping my professional composure, I apologized that she'd received mail of no interest to her. "I've no idea how your name arrived on my list, but of course I'll remove you."

At times, I suspect that practical jokers put others on my mailing list. Once a man called, asking to be added, giving me his work address.

Invariably, people who want to be added leave either their home address or a Post Office box. After hanging up, I dialed information and got his number at work. Getting through, I asked, "Did you just call me?"
He had no idea what I was talking about! "I'm an openly gay therapist," I told him. "I conduct gay men's groups and weekend workshops. I just got a phone call from somebody claiming he was you."
He became very quiet. Then, politely but firmly, he told me not to add his name-and assured me that he was not gay.

I caught that one, but there's no way that I can catch them all.

Every year, I receive thousands of letters about Attention Deficit Disorder, menopause, diabetes, and rape. I never worry how these senders single me out. I never take it personally, but lots of others do-if they get mail dealing with gay and lesbian subject matter.

Most of those who over-react this way are in their own homoavoidance. My mailings simply inflame their own inner conflicts. I could have stopped sending out mailings and no longer specialize in Gay Affirmative Psychotherapy. But all too vividly, I recalled what I endured during my adolescence and young adulthood, with therapists who were anything but gay-affirmative. I'd have come out earlier, had a much easier life, but for these well-intentioned therapists wanting to "change" me into a heterosexual.

I determined not to let homophobic reactions stop me from providing-and promoting-effective, supportive therapy to our gay brothers and sisters.

Unhung Heroes: Men With Smaller Endowments

Joe Kort — Fri, 03 Oct 2008 04:57:34 +0000

One of the worst shadows we men have-both gay and straight-is how we feel about our penis sizes. And I have heard gay men say that this matters in terms of partner selection and sexual satisfaction.

As straight men overly focus on women's breast size, gay men overly focus on men's genital size. The bigger the woman's breasts, the more aroused the straight man becomes. The bigger the guys manhood, the more aroused the gay man is.

Interestingly, when heterosexual men are interviewed about viewing straight pornography, they prefer the man to have a larger penis.

In March 2005 an issue of OUT magazine-a magazine for gays and lesbians--included Erik Piepenburg's article titled "Is Small Beautiful?" His article focuses on gay men with small penises. The journalist interviewed Robert Woodworth, a 59-year-old gay man and Director of Institutional Services at New York's Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender Community Center. Woodworth began an ongoing series of discussions about gay men and their penises, which led to a four-week support group for gay men who feel theirs are small.

Bravo to these men!

They are truly unhung heroes, willing to disclose their genital size and come out of their fly, as well as the closet. What pressure they must feel as men-particularly in the gay community-where penis size is talked about so relentlessly and so judgmentally, as if it were a measure of the whole man.

I'm sure there must be many, many jokes about it. When I was researching this article, one colleague asked me, "Is it a small support group?" Another colleague inquired "How long will your article be?" Snicker all you want, but the real joke is on all of us men-gay and straight alike-since such remarks make many of us feel self-conscious about our size. When I hear any gay man make a small penis comment-particularly in front of others in my gay men's groups or workshops-I cringe to think of those insecure men who might feel badly or those who just worry about their size in general.

Guys Turned to the Wall

Guys Gone Wild, a companion DVD to the original Girls Gone Wild that's been available for a while, displays men's buttocks more than their frontal nudity. I know this from having watched Guys Gone Wild very carefully, and more than once (strictly for research purposes, of course). Why-you might ask-do we view so many butts more than penises? The reason, I suggest, is that men, in general, worry about their penis size. It seems safer to moon the camera or flash your behind- the worst criticism you might receive is that it's too hairy, too flabby, or sports too many pimples. But one of the most hurtful insults you can say is that a man's penis is too small.

What is Too Small-Really?

The standard for penis size was set by the Kinsey Institute in the 1960's. Alfred Kinsey and his merry men studied American college-age men and found that 80 percent of fully erect penises measured between 5 and 7 inches (long), with most falling in the 6- to 6½-inch range. But size queens beware! Despite what you might surmise from gay personal ads, less than 1 percent of those erections Kinsey witnessed in the flesh exceeded 8 inches. The odds against finding a true 9-incher are a thousand to one, but still considerably better than winning at Lotto. The difference between AOL inches and real-life inches is in the eye of the owner, not the beholder.

But does the rarity of those knitting needles in the haystack make any one of us men feel any better? Nope. Men are hung in different sizes, widths, directions, shapes and each of us is different, whether hard or soft. Some men are show-ers and some men are growers. Still, going to at a nude beach or locker room, men with bigger and longer flaccid endowment are more fortunate. They have less to worry about in terms of being judged and found wanting, or hearing snide remarks made about them. Even if their four-inch softie doesn't grow when erect, straight guys in a locker room, bathhouse or nude beach won't know that. The guy who might boast only 1 to 2 inches soft and grow to 8 inches hard, still feels self-conscious, thinking that when at ease, everyone sees him as too small, even though at attention, he knows he's not.

Measures for Manhood and Masculinity

What we're really talking about here is how much of a man someone is. And we tend to measure masculinity by various standards-by how tall or short he is, how successful or wealthy or athletic or stoic . . . the list goes on. All these measurements are on outward qualities, and how sad this all is. We need to look more at the inside, evaluating a man by his integrity, responsibility, talents, eloquence, and accountability. Why not measure a man by the size of his heart? That way, you'll wind up with more satisfactions than you've ever dreamed of!

Educating Sarah Palin on Homosexuality

Joe Kort — Wed, 01 Oct 2008 19:09:16 +0000

An organization called, Truth Wins Out, which is a non-profit organization that counters right wing propaganda, exposes the "ex-gay" myth and educates America about gay life criticized Republican Vice Presidential nominee Sarah Palin today for repeatedly saying in an interview with Katie Couric on CBS News that homosexuality is a choice.

Truth Wins Out wrote on their website:

"We are disturbed that a person on the cusp of enormous power could hold such backward and unscientific views," said Wayne Besen, Executive Director of Truth Wins Out. "She seems to be in lockstep with her church that promoted a 'pray away the gay' conference in Anchorage. We hope Palin will choose to educate herself so she will learn that being gay is not a casual choice, like eating moose stew for dinner. We want her to understand that you can't pray away the gay."

On the topic of sexual orientation, Palin told Couric the following:

"And you know, I don't know what prayers are worthy of being prayed and I don't know what prayers are going to be answered or not answered. But as for homosexuality, I am not going to judge Americans and the decisions that they make in their adult personal relationships. I have one of my absolute best friends for the last 30 years who happens to be gay, and I love her dearly, and she is not my 'gay friend, she is one of my best friends, who happens to have made a choice that isn't a choice that I have made. But I'm not going to judge people."

I hope that Palin does become educated on the harm done saying that homosexuality is a choice. She sounds as though she lacks education and information on gay culture and individuals as is most of society given there is little to no education on homosexuality.

There is a difference between sexual orientation and sexual behavior. People do choose to live gay and lesbian lifestyles because their sexual orientation is homosexual just as heterosexual choose to live a straight lifestyle. We all choose to live in integrity or not. Those who believe homosexuality is a choice reduce homosexuality to a behavior and not an identity.

By promoting that homosexuality is a choice is harmful to those whose innate sexual and romantic identity is truly homosexual. Every respected medical and mental health association in America - including the American Psychiatric Association and the American Psychological Association, The National Association of Social Workers and the American Counseling Association- warn that so-called "ex-gay" sexual engineering programs can be harmful.

I'm not against those of a homosexual orientation who choose not to live as gay or lesbian. They should be allowed to choose for themselves whether a gay or lesbian lifestyle will or will not work for them in terms of their religious and moral beliefs. I do quarrel with their constant attempts to pass laws against lesbians and gays. It is not okay to say that "if homosexuality is wrong for me than it is wrong for everyone". That is a narcissistic mentality.

It is important to note that for those who are homosexual and choose not to live or self-identify as a gay or lesbian person, they are only "living" that way. Nothing has changed. They do not become straight--they just choose to live that way.

Gays and lesbians also need to be willing to acknowledge that for many individuals with a homosexual orientation cannot reconcile themselves to live their lives this way. If we want others to accept us and our community we must do the same for them. We must accept that there are those for whom living a gay affirmative life is never going to be okay for them.

However, we are not to accept the hate or the anti-gay statements or laws, and the ex-gay movement promotes hate and negativity toward gays and lesbians by saying "everyone can--and should--change from gay to straight.

The Ex-Gay Agenda

Ex-gays are taught to go to extremes to avoid sexual contact with the same gender, even if it means behaving in hateful ways-such as trying to pass legislation against gays.

I strongly believe that those in the forefront of the ex-gay movement suffer from self-hatred about their own homosexuality, which was taught to them as children. So many come from families, cultures, and communities that disdain homosexuality, and have incorporated this to such an extreme that they can never fully actualize themselves as the gays and lesbians they were meant to be and truly are. Along with their true sexual orientation, they have shut down their capacity to be loving and accepting, particular toward other gays and lesbians by allowing the existence of openly affirming gay, lesbian and bisexual individuals and couples.

Dr. Nicolosi, the founder of the National Association for Research and Therapy on Homosexuality (NARTH) wrote in his book, "Healing Homosexuality" states that there is nothing positive about homosexuality. In other words, all homosexuality is bad and wrong. Again this might be true for those who do not wish to pursue a life supporting their innate orientation but to say this is the case for all gays and lesbians is mean-spirited and judgmental.

The harm done is that those with homosexual orientations remain closeted, marry heterosexually and have children, become depressed and even suicidal.

Let's choose education and information over sweeping generalizations.