Whether you come out or not, you're still gay!

Most people don't realize that the coming out process has predictable, observable stages. Once you become familiar with the stages, you can know which one the lesbian or gay person is in-and what they can anticipate.

The stages do not necessarily occur in order. Lesbians and gays may jump back and forth, skip one or two, or linger in some as well. Some linger at one stage longer than others. It may be years before they move on.

Various theorists have developed and defined the stages of coming out and discussed how clinicians can use them as a framework and tool for clients. By discerning which stage a client is going through, you can best prepare him or her for the next one.

Vivienne C. Cass's Homosexuality Identity Formation model (Cass, 1979) best reflects the stages I've observed in my clients. According to her, the stages of identity formation are:

Stage 1: Identity Confusion
Stage 2: Identity Comparison
Stage 3: Identity Tolerance
Stage 4: Identity Acceptance
Stage 5: Identity Pride
Stage 6: Identity Synthesis

These stages are not necessarily linear or consecutive. Many individuals go from stage 1 to 3 and back to 1, depending on many factors, such as their personality and the circumstances in their lives.

During the first three stages, clients are most at risk for stopping the coming out process and regressing back into the closet. These are the most vulnerable stages in that clients' emotions are raw and their sensitivity to judgments of others is high. Safety, both emotional and physical, is crucial during these early stages. The work during these stages is often internal in that lesbians and gays are mentally and emotionally deciding within themselves what their identity is, comparing themselves to others, and deciding whether or not they can tolerate it. It is also important to start and stop the coming out process at their own pace.

The final three stages are more affirmative, as clients become increasingly certain that they are on the right track and can accept and claim their authentic gay identities. The work is more outwardly focused; clients venture out into the gay and lesbian world and begin learning relational and socialization skills that help them become more social and intimate with other gays and lesbians. Therapists need to assess what is creating any difficulties or snags for their clients during this time and watch for any developmental injuries such as issues pertaining to a dysfunctional family of origin or repressed memories of abuse. Depression and anxiety may also surface and interfere with the coming out process.

Stage 1. Identity Confusion

Those who begin to acknowledge their attraction to other members of the same sex may not see themselves as even remotely gay. This isn't pretending; they still honestly identify themselves as heterosexual. At this stage, their homosexual feelings are completely unacceptable to them. They are looking for anyone who might tell them they are not gay.

Men may have sex with other men but define it as something other than gay or bisexual behavior. Terms like "on the down low" and "kinky" can help a man stay closeted to himself. Women might be sexual with other women and consider it merely experimental, or they may think of having sex with another woman as something for their male partner and his desires-not theirs. For many people, that may be true. For others it is the beginning of a natural gay or lesbian identity surfacing.

Once individuals recognize that a homosexual nature does exist within them, they often become very sensitive, highly anxious, and self-conscious. This is the beginning of reexperiencing their PTSD symptoms. Pushing them too far in this stage can cause too much psychological discomfort and potentially keep them from moving on to the next stage.

Many clients at this stage do not use the word gay or lesbian, as it would reflect affirmation and positivity. If anything, they'll usually self-identify as "homosexual" or "heterosexual with homosexual fantasies." Therapists need to stick with their clients' terminology to avoid rushing them or blocking them from continuing with their process..

At this stage, clients are ready to seek information, often by logging onto the Internet to explore various websites about homosexuality. They are also vulnerable to getting married heterosexually, genuinely hoping for the best. Your job here is to support clients in being honest and open with their potential opposite-gender mates about their homosexual urges, thoughts, or feelings so that their potential partners can have informed consent.

When clients enter your office in this stage of coming out it is an opportunity to intervene and help them identify and understand the true nature of their sexuality.

Stage 2. Identity Comparison

During this stage, clients begin to accept the possibility that they might be homosexual. They still typically don't describe themselves as "gay," because they associate the word with a particular way of life. The word homosexual lets them start exploring from a "safe" distance.

Some clients may accept their behavior as gay or bisexual while still rejecting homosexuality as their core identity. Or they might accept a homosexual identity but, paradoxically, inhibit their gay behavior by, for example, deciding to heterosexually marry and have anonymous "no strings" sexual hookups. Of course, this kind of compartmentalization-a fracturing of behavior and identity-leads to problems later on.

Some lesbian and gay clients may attempt to embrace a heterosexual identity out of internalized shame and guilt. These clients are particularly vulnerable to the promises of reparative therapy. Because of their self-hate and hope for a "cure," they are eager to be rid of these unwelcome thoughts and feelings.

Other clients, after exploring and experimenting, may decide to pursue a heterosexual life but do so not out of shame or guilt-they simply don't connect to a gay identity. Just like adults raised in one organized religion who decide to convert to another, they're entitled to choose the identity that fits them best. They don't change orientations; they change how they live out their identity. In other words, they are still inherently gay or lesbian, but they self-identify as heterosexual and decide to live this way.

When treating clients in this stage, it is important that psychotherapists (particularly gay and lesbian therapists) not force the issue of whether their client is gay, straight, or bisexual, as doing so can cause damage. Again, I cannot stress enough that it must be the client who leads the way during these early stages, with you helping in the background.

Stage 3. Identity Tolerance

At this stage, individuals accept the likelihood that they're homosexual in a positive way and begin to move toward describing themselves as gay or lesbian. This entails "trying on" a homosexual identity to see if it fits. Clients may still hesitate to venture into the gay culture, but they do begin to see a need to end their social isolation and loneliness.

Clients' experiences moving toward homosocialization within the gay and lesbian community have a significant impact on the rest of their coming out process. If the experiences are positive, the individual will continue moving forward in the coming out process and begin an affirmative identity. If they are negative, the individual might stall or revert to stages 1 or 2.

When clients have negative initial homosocialization experiences, it is your job as a therapist to be supportive and validate that they had a negative experience but assure them that this is just one negative of the many positives they will have. Remind them there are positive and negative things they will experience and normalize that attaching to the negatives is their internalized homophobia. For example, one of my former clients-an attractive 57-year-old man-came to a session very upset. He had just begun going to gay bars and said that he felt invisible, as though men were looking right through him. He had never had this experience with women and always found at least one woman-even if unattractive-to talk with. But at the gay bars, he had no luck at all. I explained to him that in the gay male culture, being over 50 is difficult, particularly at gay bars where youth is revered.

He was also upset because he saw men having sex in the bathrooms and backrooms, and he concluded that the heterosexists and homophobes were correct in thinking that the entire gay community is strictly sexual. I challenged this homophobic thinking by saying that if the entire gay community were like this, lesbians would be acting the same way. In my judgment, what he witnessed was a male experience and couldn't be generalized to the entire gay population. I also told him that it was unfortunate that he had these experiences, but that they were more about the bars than gay males themselves. This helped the client understand that he simply had to find other venues-and there are many-where he could mingle with men who would want to connect with him on a more meaningful level.

Other clients are afraid to achieve this stage or fear that they'll get stuck in it. "I don't want to become a gay man waving a rainbow flag around," they say. I reassure them that this needn't happen and also explore their potential homophobia. I teach them that they will be able to become the kind of gay or lesbian individual they wish to become and will find or create their own niche.

By the end of this stage, clients have learned that there are both healthy and dysfunctional gay people, just as there are healthy and dysfunctional straight people. There are also hundreds of subsets within the gay community. If clients feel overwhelmed, help them explore what niche they might feel most comfortable in. Make sure you inform them that there are many niches to choose from-they just need to search.
Stage 4. Identity Acceptance: The Beginning of a Gay Adolescence

This is when people move from simple tolerance to accepting themselves as gay. They discover a new sense of identification and belonging in the gay community as a whole. They feel increasing anger at homophobic segments of society, which is healthy for this stage of identity development. All the doubts and self-hatred they once directed inward are now turned outward at more deserving targets.

At this time, individuals begin to process conflict between their own self-perceptions of their homosexuality and those of society. They begin to become more vocal and take small risks. They also may distance themselves from people and situations that would disrupt their new way of thinking. This healthy reaction is very similar to that of adolescents, who have just gone through puberty and start identifying with their burgeoning sexuality.

Just as teenagers experience an acute need for privacy in which to forge their new identity-closing their bedroom doors, adopting music and fashions they know their parents won't like, and bonding with peers who recognize their newfound sexual selves-the "newly gay" distance themselves from family and old friends to explore their privacy. Few parents delight in a teenager passing through this stage, but school counselors and therapists know it's nothing to worry about-it's a necessary, appropriate step toward a sense of belonging and a personal identity. Friends of a "newly gay" person may feel the same. Like adolescents accepting their new sexual identity, "newly" gay men and lesbians of any age may choose new friends and hangouts, if only to shield themselves from gay-negative views-theirs or anyone else's.

Stage 5. Identity Pride: Gay Adolescence in Full Force

In this stage, gays and lesbians immerse themselves in their subculture. They have much less interaction with heterosexuals and often begin to confront straight people. They do not distinguish between straight people who are heterosexist or homophobic and those who are not. All their previous repression is now explosively directed outward, and they want to come out to the world. They devour gay books, magazines, and weeklies, absorbing all the culture's earmarks and trademarks. Disdain for the straight world surfaces; they tend to think it's "them against us." The person in stage 5 also begins correcting heterosexuals who assume they're straight (Kort, 2003).

This stage energizes the best activists. The combination of anger and pride impels them to become heavily, passionately involved in gay rights organizations and gay pride marches. Those in the forefront of these marches are often predominately those in this stage of coming out.

Stage-5 individuals are teenagers trapped in adult bodies-and minds. Again, like adolescents who do all kinds of things to underscore their "emerging" as individuals-dying their hair, shaving their head, piercing themselves, wearing T-shirts with slogans that discomfort their elders-gays and lesbians assume a similar "in your face" attitude. They delight in shocking behavior that's over the top. They relentlessly tell everyone they're gay. They wear T-shirts that say I CAN'T EVEN THINK STRAIGHT. They're rebellious and promiscuous. They French-kiss in public. They love to draw attention to themselves, but their critics-and they themselves-don't realize that this is only a phase of development that they missed at their age-appropriate time. The difference is that their "gay age" doesn't match their chronological age. Whereas such behavior is appropriate for teens, it doesn't seem appropriate for adults.

Therapists who aren't aware of stage-5 behavior may misdiagnose clients as suffering from oppositional disorders, personality disorders, or sexual addictions. These therapists may also unwittingly shame their clients by displaying their own discomfort over their clients' stage-5 behavior.

Homophobes like to condemn lesbians and gays for their "bad" behavior on the grounds that being promiscuous, obnoxiously vocal, and indulging in too much partying and chemical abuse exemplifies what gay life is all about. However, that acting-out behavior is a stage of coming out-usually lasting only 2 to 3 years-and has little to nothing to do with gay identity. Typically, clients are relieved to learn that they're only going through a stage, as they feel uncomfortable about being compelled to act this way.

Stage 6. Identity Synthesis

At this stage of integration, the "them and us" concept breaks down. Gays and lesbians begin to understand that not all heterosexuals are homophobes. Like older adolescents, they can now relax their militant stance and reintegrate themselves into society. They understand that there are "good straights" as well as "bad straights," that heterosexism and homophobia needn't dominate their lives, and that they can relate to both gays and straights without any loss of self-confidence.

Even with the recent increased acceptance of homosexuality, these stages persist. Children and teenagers are still not allowed to explore and know their homosexuality, so a coming out experience will always need to occur for the identity to be integrated.

What has changed with time is that lesbians and gays are coming out earlier. They are feeling safer and witnessing a shift in acceptance for the better. An observation I have made and others have concurred with is that many of today's young lesbians and gays, who are coming out more in late adolescence and young adulthood, tend go through the stages faster and sometimes all at the same time, being angry and proud and tentative and outspoken all at once and vacillating rapidly between feeling ashamed and apparently secure. Knowing this as a clinician can help you normalize it for yourself and for your clientele.

For more information about coming out go to 18 Things To Consider Before Coming Out.