Gay's Anatomy

An insider's look at gay culture and identity.

by Joe Kort

Joe Kort, LMSW, is a psychotherapist and author of books on gay male development, gay male couples including Gay Affirmative Therapy for the Straight Clinician:The Essential Guide. He is a gay and lesbian studies adjunct professor at Wayne State University.

September 16, 2008, Relationships

Are Gay Male Couples Monogamous Ever After?

Is it cheating if both partners agree to be non-monogamous?

9. Maintaining Intentional Dialogue
Effective dialogue is the best thing couples can do to ensure safety and trust. The best form of communication I have found is called the intentional dialogue, developed by Dr. Harville Hendrix and explained in his book Getting the Love You Want. One partner is the receiver, and the other is the sender. One partner at a time speaks, and the other listens actively by reflecting back what was heard. This guarantees there won't be any judgments, interruptions, interpretations, or reactivity and defensiveness during a partner's sharing. The sender should speak only in "I" statements and talk about personal feelings and judgments, never presuming to know what the other person thinks. This kind of respect and communication is essential for any open relationship.

10. Knowing What Problems Can Occur with Non-Monogamy
When couples open their relationships, jealousy is bound to rear its head. I've heard couples, gay and straight, voice their anxiety that their partner liked the other person more, enjoyed some sexual behavior from the other person more, and so on. Resolving this, again, requires dialogue and safety between the partners. Knowing in advance the kinds of issues that an open relationship may present can help prevent some of these conflicts in the first place.

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I think that when gay couples are having an open relationship, it's most important that they distinguish between emotional and sexual affairs. In general, men can have sex without being intimate or emotional with their partners. This is why, I think, gay men can do this effectively-not because they're gay, but more because they're men.

Some say that relationships are hard enough so why add another element like non-monogamy. If this is what you choose to do as a couple, make sure you take these ten precautions and keep a dialogue going. Do this, and you can keep heading in a positive direction. It would be easy to judge gay couples negatively from this article if you are not in favor of non-monogamy.

And remember most of all, safety and trust are imperative to all relationships. This is why contracts and dialogue are essential no matter what the topic.