- Home
- Find a Therapist
- Topic Streams
- Get Help
Mental Health
Addiction
ADHD
Anxiety
Asperger's
Autism
Bipolar Disorder
Depression
Eating Disorders
Insomnia
OCDPersonality
Passive Aggression
Personality
ShynessPersonal Growth
Happiness
Goal Setting
Positive PsychologyRelationships
Low Sexual Desire
Relationships
SexEmotion Management
Anger
Procrastination
StressFamily Life
Adolescents
Child Development
Elder Care
Parenting
SiblingsRecently Diagnosed?
Diagnosis Dictionary
- Magazine
- Tests
- Psych Basics
- Experts
When parents learn they have a gay or lesbian child, they very quickly realize they are now living in a world that stigmatizes not only their children but also themselves. Suddenly, these parents are involuntarily drafted into a club whose members are disparaged. For the 76 parents I interviewed for the book: Coming Out, Coming Home: Helping Families Adjust to a Gay or Lesbian Child, this was their first bitter taste of the injustice of stigma--and it was eye-opening in ways that were painful and frightening. Read More
Do parents regularly go about
Do parents regularly go about telling their clients and co-workers that their children are straight, or that their daughter lost her virginity (for instance)? For some reason I can't wrap my head around how those things even come up with people you are only marginally friendly with (work friends and such). I would find not only any judgment about the child or parent odd, but also the discussion of one's child's sex life in the first place.
Do parents regularly go about...
No, I would imagine the poster knows that it's obvious that parents do *not* regularly "go about telling their clients and co-workers that their children are stright, or that their daughter lost her virginity." However, I believe the poster here is missing the point. As part of the accepted majority, it is *presumed* that one's children are straight and that, at some point, one's child (if he/she is a teenager or early in college) may be going through various developmental stages of adolescence. These are not unusual and, thus, often do not receive attention. However, *any* topic outside of the ordinary is often a topic of interest, both to the person it involves and, often, to those who are associated with that person. It isn't 'sexual activity' that we're addressing here in Dr. LaSala's blog entry, it's the extraordinary, the unusual. If someone's daughter or son were in the military - perhaps in Iraq or Afghanistan, this might be something a person would want to share, but would be worried about doing so if they worked in a primarily liberal (anti-war) environment. Perhaps if someone had a child who was differently-abled, that person would *want* to share that information, looking for support for this culturally and societally unsupported experience. But, perhaps he/she wouldn't feel comfortable. I believe that the poster here misses the point of Dr. LaSala's subject matter and I think it's important that this is recognized.
Stigma directed at family members of gay/lesbian/bi/trans persons
It's been 14 years since my daughter came out as a lesbian and I've got a fair bit of experience now dealing with that stigma - my boss found out and did everything in his power (legally if not ethically) to oust me from my job. My last two years before I retired were not fun. Funny thing is tho that the only person I was afraid of finding out was my own mother - because I know she would have tried to hurt me with that knowledge since my sister is also gay and she was disinherited and I was ordered not to allow my child to see her aunt - I never complied. Fortunately my mother died before she found out her granddaughter was lesbian. My daughter on the other hand has never had a problem - she is comfortable with who she is, doesn't flaunt it or hide it. She is who she is and if people don't like it, too bad. Now she says I'm more "out" than she is, since I'm part of PFLAG and a couple of other gay-friendly support organizations.
Thanks for your comment.
You clearly have been through a lot, but based on what (I think) I can read between the lines, this has also been quite a growth experience for you. Thank-you for sharing your courage and wisdom with PFLAG and other gay support organizations.
Reply to your thank you
Yes, Michael, you are very astute. I did a lot of growing through the experience of being a mother of a gay child. I was a single mom since my daughter was 6 so I pretty much raised her alone with no-one to feed back to me how I was doing. I was raised strict Catholic.... 'nuff said? Hence the comment about my mother. It took me four years to mourn the loss of "mother-of-the-bride" "mother-in-law" "grandchildren" dreams. I withdrew from activities, friends, some family until I came to terms with her choices - by becoming active in gay-friendly support and PFLAG. But in 2004 laws in Canada were changed to allow same sex marriage, so I got to be "m-o-t-b" "m-i-l" and two years ago through the miracle of modern medical technology and sperm banks I received the precious gift of a grandchild, whom I adore wholeheartedly.
maybe she should have
thank you for supporting your sister and your daughter and being a supporter of pflag
Re: Do parents regularly go about
Katie,
I hate to break this to you, but whether a person is gay does not merely mean their sex life. It affects many ordinary aspects of daily life that are, indeed, frequently mentioned in small talk. The usual questions, such as "does she have a boyfriend?" "is she married?" or "does she have children?", will inevitably come up. A gay person in a happy relationship wants to be able to tell others just as freely as a straight person can. A gay person's parents, if supportive, may want to discuss their child's family and marriage if asked. It has nothing to do with the child's sex life; it's part of social interaction.
Well, it all depends on where
Well, it all depends on where you live. Homophobia all depends on where you live. San Francisco and New York are the " Gay Capitols of the World " ... I have been living in New York City for 8 years and I have never experienced any homophobia. The nation is getting more and more gay friendly each year and that is a good thing.
Thanks for your comment.
I am indeed happy to hear that you have not experienced any homophobia in New York City and I look forward to the day more and more LGBT people in NYC, San Francisco, and the rest of the country will be able to say the same.
However, even in seemingly tolerant places, homophobia persists. In NYC, for example, there are still gay bashings that have occurred fairly recently, including the brutal assault on Kevin Aviance (http://www.villagevoice.com/2006-06-13/nyc-life/shocking-but-not-surpris...) and more also Jose and Romel Sucuzhanay
http://www.nytimes.com/2008/12/09/nyregion/09assault.html?_r=1
Some would say that the inability to get legally married is a result of homophobia--and as of this writing, this is still the case in NYC and SF.
In addition, my practice is in central NJ, in the backyard of NYC, and I still see many LGBT people who experience homophobia and, as a result, are struggling to accept themselves.
Things have certainly gotten better in this country, particularly in the larger, more liberal cities, but we still have a ways to go.
Thanks again for your comment.
ML
Stigma
I don't think I have ever felt a stigma attached to being the mom of a gay kid. I am an LGBT advocate, and provide shelter for discarded gay kids. I figure the by being OUT I help other folks become more comfortable with the subject.
And I love my kids, the gay one and the not gay one.
Deb
Thanks for your comment...
...and for all you do for gay kids!
ML
Response varies in different places
The response to having a gay child must be different in different settings. In this university town, I've recently heard two parents speak with a pride that was almost boastful about their gay children coming out.
I hope people will not use the stigma concept to encourage others to feel victimized. Having a gay child is an opportunity to reassess just what the opinions of others matter to you and whether you need to adjust your susceptibility to them.
Thanks for your comment.
I am happy to hear you are in a place where parents can feel ok and can almost boast about a child coming out. Also, I couldn't agree with your comment more. I hope the same.
ML
hey lets next time include
hey lets next time include transgendred people we also have families that need guidence and love also. why dont you include us in your articles its lgbt people need to be united thank you
sorry just read a bit down
sorry just read a bit down but would have been nice to see trans in the heading
You're Right!
Of course you are correct. However, my research and my book is mostly about lesbian and gay youth--and all too often researchers and writers lump LGBT together when they really are only talking about L & G. I think someone should do a similar study with ONLY trans youth and their parents.
In the meantime what are some of YOUR ideas about how the issues of families of trans kids be different from those of lesbian and gay youth?
ML
new for me
my husband and I just found out that our daughter is a lesbian. As I type this I'm still trying to wrap my head around this new facet of our life. I'm trying to be open minded and show my love and acceptance for my daughter. I am Catholic and this is hard for me to accept. I don't agree with all the teachings of the church but I just want to make sure that I say the right things to my daughter. It took her 5 years to tell us and it's a very emotional time for all of us, her siblings included. We love our daughter very much and I need to know how to be the best mother I can for her.
Sounds like you have made the right start...
I am a board member of Fortunate Families. We are an international group of Catholic parents of lgbt kids and part of our mission is helping other parents. You can find us on the web and our listening parent network is there to help you find others who can talk you thru what ever stage of acceptance you find yourself in! Congratulations that she trusted you to share the core of her being with you!
If you haven't already, tell your daughter you love her, you are proud of her and you will always be there for her.
In my opinion, parents can never go wrong if they say this.
In the meantime, it is all very new so give yourself time to adjust. Try reaching out to PFLAG (www.pflag.com) see if there is a chapter near you and go to a meeting.
Best wishes to you.
Dr. Michael LaSala
Post new comment