Celebrities aside, there are good reasons to expect romance to linger and even bloom throughout life. Poets, philosophers, playwrights, and lyricists struggle to define love, romance, and all associated emotions. Psychologists have a few handles on the elements that keep the spark alive in couples of all ages, particularly those who weather the years together. 

Intimacy is important to everyone, regardless of age. Throughout the vicissitudes of marriage, divorce, remarriage, and widowhood, people actively strive to maintain gratifying interactions with others on a day-to-day basis. Good relationships boost our mental and physical health because social support helps us cope with life's stresses. Furthermore, my research has shown that many if not most adults regard their relationships as the most important aspect of their identity. Whether this relationship is called "marriage," "family," "friendship," or "partnership" is not as important as the feeling that you are valued by others and have something to offer to improve the life of other people.

We can get insight into dynamics of happy relationships in later life from a theory known as "socioemotional selectivity theory" which states that as people near endings in their lives, they prefer to spend time with the people they feel the greatest bond with (hence the "selectivity" in the theory's name). Young people also experience this phenomenon. If you recall the days or weeks leading up to your high school or college graduation, you might remember a set of sloppy and sentimental get-togethers where you and your friends pined for the days gone by. Most likely, you preferred to spend your remaining time at school with the people you were closest to rather than trying to meet new people. The same is somewhat true of relationships at the end of life; older adults would rather maximize their positive feelings by being with the people to whom they feel closest.

However, like Mr. and Mrs. Ney, new relationships in later life can also be sparked by nearness to an ending. The movie "Something's Gotta Give" showed on screen the intensity of a late-life relationship triggered in part by nearness to an ending. The famous sweater-snipping scene in the bedroom captured the essence of a passion fueled in part by the couple's awareness of mortality (by the way, I recently learned the sweater wasn't really cut all at once according to Judy Graham, knitter to the stars. Now that is a good piece of movie trivia!). The hero, played by the inimitable Jack Nicholson, had recently suffered a heart attack, causing him to realize that what he really wanted in a relationship was not a young chick but a mature woman who would share his life perspective. The heroine, played by the equally inimitable Diane Keaton, was liberated not only from her turtleneck, but from her lifetime of inhibitions. Both grew in their relationship even as their relationship itself blossomed.

Older people have a few other advantages when it comes to long-term relationships. Research shows that as we get older, we're better able to control our emotions and we are more likely to use mature defense mechanisms. When a young couple gets into an argument, it's more likely they will slam doors, throw things, and yell angry insults at each other; older people are more likely to restrain themselves and even, according to some studies, less likely to get into arguments at all. Time may have weeded out the impulsive angry people (Type A's have higher mortality rates) and those older married folk who stick it out for the long haul may have some other personality qualities that allow them to be more patient when problems erupt. Still, we can learn from the survivors on how to avoid making impulsive and poor choices in the way we express our feelings.

Fanning the flames of relationships at any age are feelings of sexual attraction. Research that I reported on in my "Why We Love Betty White" posting earlier in the year showed that older adults are not only capable of but also enjoy the sexual side of intimacy. This figure shows the percent of people in a national survey at each of three ages who reported that they had intercourse at least once a year (and usually more). The percents do dip into the later years, but this figure includes people who do not currently have a partner. The statistics are higher for people with partners-- almost half of men and about 40% of women in the oldest group continue to have intercourse. But there are many ways to define sexuality. Most telling from this study was the high percent of the sample even up to the oldest age study who continued to express their sexuality through cuddling-- about 90% of people living with a partner. Sexuality, broadly defined, continues to flourish in relationships even among the oldest-old.

Seeing that older people can have rewarding relationships is certainly inspiring. And we can learn a few simple lessons from these happy late-life couples. Here, to sum up, are three important tips:

1. Keep your emotions in check. Learn from the successful elders to contain yourself when you're about the erupt in an emotional outburst.

2. Define intimacy broadly. Sexuality comes in many forms, including cuddling, hugging, and sharing your feelings.

3. Focus on the people who are closest to you. Maybe it's time to narrow down your Facebook friends to those who will give you the most happiness on any given day. You'll be able to weed through the updates faster and get more out of them.

December-December relationships, can blossom, grow, and fulfill just as those we traditionally associate with love and romance. You can have a rewarding and fulfilling love life, no matter what your age.

Follow me on Twitter @swhitbo for daily news on psychology, health, and aging. Visit my website at www.searchforfulfillment.com for more resources.

Susan is the author of 15 books including her most recent book, "The Search for Fulfillment."

Copyright Susan Krauss Whitbourne, Ph.D. 2010

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