Of course I am putting a negative spin on a situation that for many parents brings with it great happiness. These are your kids, your pride and joy, and it's great to have them around again. It was probably hard to say goodbye to them when they left, even if was only a few weeks ago. The semester breaks during the fall, though, are typically much shorter than the one you face now. Add to that the strain of having other family members around for the holidays, the need to cook and clean that much more, and your own desire for a little down time, and you might not be able to enjoy your kids as much as you would like. So, even if you've been looking forward for weeks to having the kids back home, you might find that the reality of the situation doesn't quite meet your expectations. Before I give you some pointers on how to cope with your clipped wings, let's take a brief look at the research on the empty vs. the full nest.

For many decades, it was believed that the empty nest was the greatest disaster that could befall a parent, particularly a mother. The thinking was that without their maternal role, women would suffer depression, feelings of inadequacy, and identity confusion. Surprisingly, though, the data failed to support this belief and researchers began to find that empty-nest women were less, not more depressed. There were three explanations. First, women find fulfillment in ways outside their role as mothers including their work, their community involvement, and their hobbies. Second, with children out of the house, couples have more money and time to enjoy leisure-time activities. Third, and perhaps the real reason, empty nest women have sex more often than when the kids are home. In fact, a survey of over 15,000 midlife Canadian women showed that even when controlling for age, marital status, race, income, empty nest status, alcohol use, and smoking, women whose children were still living in the home were less likely to have intercourse than women who were empty nesters.

When I uncover this dirty little secret about the empty nesters to my psychology of aging class, there are more than a few groans of discomfort from the students. The thought of their parents actually having sex, even though they obviously needed to do so to create them, brings up all sorts of painful feelings. Even worse is the realization that their presence in the home inhibits their parents from pursuing their sexual pleasures. To reinforce the point, I show the opening minutes of the movie Failure to Launch, in which desperate midlife parents do everything they can to unload their son who has taken permanent residence in their home. Still, even with the convincing acting of Kathy Bates and Terry Bradshaw, it's hard for kids to think about their own parents as sexual creatures.

Now, let's flip the conversation back to you, the now temporarily full-nester, wanting to enjoy your kids but still wanting to spend alone time with your spouse or partner. Short of reserving a room at a nearby motel for clandestine encounters, there are some simple steps you can take. First, don't feel that you have to spend every minute with the kids (or other family members) to get the most out of their visit. It won't hurt to have a little time apart. No need to feel guilty if you would rather retire early for the evening (claiming of course that you're exhausted) to have a romantic interlude. Or if you're a single parent, you don't have to feel weird about a late night soiree with a date or with friends. 

Second, if the habits developed by your kids in college don't include picking up their clothes, washing their clothes, or even changing their clothes at all, there's nothing wrong with your re-establishing some of the old rules around your household. You might want to make their time home as enjoyable and memorable as possible, but it doesn't mean you have to be their slave. Get them to pitch in with some simple household chores. Maybe you'll even luck out and they'll help you with the cleaning and cooking. They might feel better about themselves too if they can show that they've grown up and can live in your house as adults.

Third, maintain your focus on what's really important about the people in your lives. In my research on fulfillment in midlife baby boomers, I've found that the people who are the happiest believe that they have made an important difference in the lives of others. Obviously these others include those who are closest to you. Don't sweat some of the small stuff about their presence back in the home. As long as they don't drive the car into someone else's front lawn, there probably isn't too much damage they can do even if there's a little more clutter around than normal.

Finally, use the opportunity of having the kids back at home to rewrite some of your history together. Are there moments when you find yourself faced with some old issues? Are you starting to feel, once again, that you don't do enough for them, you do too much, or that no matter what you do it's never right? If so, use the opportunity of having them around again to re-examine some of your old conflicts. Perhaps there are situations that used to infuriate you, or others than frustrated you beyond belief. Now both of you are older and have some distance from those intense moments when they were in their early teens. See how far you've come since then and examine these situations together, and maybe even have a good laugh about it. 

Being an empty nester, then, has its advantages. But being together as a family can be both fun and fulfilling if you approach it with the right perspective. You and your kids can survive your time back together again, and both of you can even grow from the process.

Follow me on Twitter @swhitbo for daily news on psychology, health, and aging. Visit my website at www.searchforfulfillment.com for more resources.

Susan is the author of 15 books including her most recent book, "The Search for Fulfillment."

Copyright Susan Krauss Whitbourne, Ph.D. 2009

References:

Dennerstein, L., Dudley, E., & Guthrie, J. (2002). Empty nest or revolving door? A prospective study of women's quality of life in midlife during the phase of children leaving and re-entering the home. Psychological Medicine, 32, 545-550.

Fraser, J., Maticka-Tyndale, E., & Smylie, L. (2004). Sexuality of Canadian women at midlife. Canadian Journal of Human Sexuality, 13, 171-188.

Schmidt, P. J., Murphy, J. H., Haq, N., Rubinow, D. R., & Danaceau, M. A. (2004). Stressful life events, personal losses, and perimenopause-related depression. Archives of Womens Mental Health, 7, 19-26.