Friendship 2.0

Connecting and Disconnecting in Modern Life

12 Tips for Raising a Child Who Won't Sexually Assault

Wondering how to make a difference in changing rape culture? Start with these tips for raising your children to understand the true meaning of consent. Read More

what?

what a pathetic,condescending post the idea that we have to teach boys not to sexual assault? Perhaps girls should be taught not sexually assault,afterall there seems to be an epidemic of 20-40 something female teachers assaulting their underage male students like clockwork these days,,,a new case of it pops up daily...things that make you go hmmm

Thank you for making her point.

For every single one "20-40 something female teacher assaulting her underage male students", there are thousands of males assaulting females of all ages.

1 in 4 girls under 18 has been sexually assaulted. How many boys under 18 have been sexually assaulted by a female?

Your comment is the exact reason why yes, we need to teach males not to sexually assault.

Where to begin? Okay, first,

Where to begin?
Okay, first, 1 in 4 girls under 18 has been sexually assaulted? this is a false statistic. The original number was 1 in 6 will be assaulted in their lifetime, worldwide, including war zones and countries with barely present law enforcement.
Second, how dare you? How dare you imply that every single male child will sexually assault someone unless "taught" not to? you know this isn't true, it can't be.
trust me, guys know that sexual assault is bad. we are reminded a lot, constantly in fact.

It's relatively rare for

It's relatively rare for women to commit sexual assault. The crime is overwhelmingly committed by males. I imagine that's why the focus here is on boys. Of course the overwhelming majority of boys and men don't commit sexual assault, but a significant minority do. Quality sex education that deals with sexual ethics and consent can only be a good thing.

. Many boys start out

.

Many boys start out respectful, but once they reach adolescence and are treated either indifferently or disdainfully by the girls, they lose that respect.

Look at it from a boy's perspective. He is told to respect and support women. Then, as he gets older, the girls reject him or ignore him and he is still expected to care about their feelings and issues.

That just isn't working, without addressing girl behavior.

We need to teach girls how to respect and behave as well. To pretend that female behavior doesn't affect this issue is naive and/ or dishonest.

Mother, female teachers and girls need to be expected to respect boys and care about how they feel if you want to reduce violence against women.

Women are not to blame for assault -- but -- YES -- female indifference to male issues IS part of the problem.

Teaching BOTH boys and girls to understand and care about each other is the ultimate solution.

.

Apples to oranges.

Indifference is not assault.
Polite rejection is not assault.
Ignoring is not assault.

The very fact that you dare to compare being ignored or rejected to being ASSAULTED is the reason why people like you need to be taught not to assault.

A girl who rejects a boy is not holding him down and forcefully inserting her genitals into his.
A girl who ignores a boy is not threatening to physically harm him if he won't sleep with her.
A girl who laughs at a boy is not killing him for daring to reject her.

Girls get raped for saying they are not interested.
Girls get killed for breaking up in a perfectly civil way.
Girls get threatened for daring to make their own choices of romantic partners.

Oh, and by the way:

"Mother, female teachers and girls need to be expected to respect boys and care about how they feel if you want to reduce violence against women."

If a pretty girl smiles at a man, he thinks she's coming on to him and gets angry when it turns out she was just being nice or polite.
If a pretty girl does NOT smile at a man who is interested in her, he gets angry because he feels ignored.
If a pretty girl smiles but asks to be left alone, he gets angry because he feels rejected.

So do tell me: what exactly are we supposed to teach girls in order to ensure that they don't make men angry just for daring not to be romantically interested in them?

"Men are afraid women will laugh at them. Women are afraid men will kill them." -- Margaret Atwood. That's what it all comes down to.

Thank you for spreading the

Thank you for spreading the hate and anger against boys -- that really helps.

How do you feel about Blacks, while you're generalizing?

Try again.

The Anon I was answering to said that boys start out good and become bad because girls make them so. How come you didn't call him out on his spreading hate against girls?

Also, I'm not spreading anger against ALL boys and men - only against those who don't respect women and women's agency. I see nothing wrong with that. Calling out people who actively harm other people is a good thing.

Feeling rejected is what led

Feeling rejected is what led to the SoCal killings.

Like it or not, that's what's behind much of the anger.

If we teach BOTH boys and GIRLS to respect and understand one another from an early age without the victim / monster crap that angry nutjobs like you want to promote, we can foster understanding for those scenarios you described.

Feeling rejected and left out is a powerful generator for frustration and anger. Deny that and there will be no solution to this and other social problems.

How do we ensure ALL children grow up feeling understood and accepted? (One way is to keep hate mongers like you away from our children)

Stop spreading hate.

Not hate. Truth.

"Feeling rejected is what led to the SoCal killings."

No. Entitlement is. Loads and loads of women are rejected by men every day; you don't see them killing anyone, do you? For that matter, loads and loads of men are rejected by women every day, and yet don't take out their frustration as anger against women.

Rejection does NOT lead to murder. This is a falsehood, a lie.

"Stop spreading hate."

I'm not spreading hate. I'm spreading the truth. You don't get to re-label it "hate" just because you don't like it. If you want to help children, then accept the truth, and deal with it.

As for the scenarios I described, please do tell me: how CAN a woman turn down an unwanted suitor without running the risk of him getting angry at her? If you're honest about wanting to help, then answer that question.

"No. Entitlement is..." Total

"No. Entitlement is..."

Total bull -- the anger comes from feeling like an outcast.

Try to keep your hate in check --- Only a few men out of millions get violent.

Nope.

"the anger comes from feeling like an outcast."

I've felt like an outcast all my life. I've never thought of killing anyone because of it.

Feeling like an outcast does NOT lead to murder. It just doesn't.

"Only a few men out of millions get violent."

Then how come a woman dies at the hands of her male partner every two to four days depending on the country?

Say one women dies every day

Say one women dies every day at the hands of a man...

365 women a year out of a World population of 3.5 Billion women.

That percentage is astronomically small in case your not good at math.

That's in the best case scenario.

And that best case scenario doesn't even apply to the USA, where more than 1,000 women die each year at the hands of their partner (who is in the vast majority of cases a man).

On the scale of the world, that's many tens of thousands of women killed each year by their male partner.

Not so astronomically small anymore, is it?

yep.

Del wrote:
"the anger comes from feeling like an outcast."

I've felt like an outcast all my life. I've never thought of killing anyone because of it.

Feeling like an outcast does NOT lead to murder. It just doesn't.
yes it does, but they also have to be willing to commit murder. besides, one person's experience does not a norm make.
"Only a few men out of millions get violent."

Then how come a woman dies at the hands of her male partner every two to four days depending on the country?


because countries have a lot of people in them. I mean, someone commits suicide every 40 seconds, and a man is murdered every 90 seconds. frankly, every two to four days is a pretty low rate.

Actually, let's say you're right.

Let's say the anger comes from feeling like an outcast.

What does you propose as a solution? How could these men be helped, in your opinion? What would it take to prevent them from going into murderous rampages? I'm honestly curious about what you think could or should be done.

I said it in my post "

I said it in my post " Teaching BOTH boys and girls to understand and care about each other is the ultimate solution."

Obviously, you are so filled with hate and rage, you didn't bother to read it.

We need to spend more time, early in school, on teaching children to socialize in a healthy way ---specifically, teach them to understand one another.

And, continue this interaction and dialog into high school.

Instead, we drume reading and arithmetic into them, which takes surprisingly few hours to learn, and completely ignore the social training needed to function in any life capacity.

Then our children are exposed to hate monkeys like you which just transfers your anger to them and give them a skewed view of life.

Thanks for that.

.

What would you teach kids?

If anyone is filled with rage and hate here, it's you. Please stop projecting onto me.

"We need to spend more time, early in school, on teaching children to socialize in a healthy way ---specifically, teach them to understand one another.

And, continue this interaction and dialog into high school."

That's just vague words. What would you have them taught in actual practice? What do you think girls should be taught about boys? What do you think boys should be taught about girls? I'm asking for specifics here. What specifically could have been done to prevent the recent tragedy? Who would have needed to do what? Who would have needed to be taught what?

"Then our children are exposed to hate monkeys like you which just transfers your anger to them and give them a skewed view of life."

Actually, I teach my son to be nice to everyone, to develop empathy, and to show compassion. You know, all the things you seem to be lacking.

Life is filled with rejection

Then children need to be taught early on that rejection is a part of life, period. Institutions mays reject you and people may reject you and that is just how it is. Respect and understanding should be taught by the same parents who should give their children the truth about rejection. Rejection happens, but it is not always a direct reflection on one's actions, abilities, etc.

I just hope that my young

I just hope that my young boys are never exposed to a man hating monster like you.

ROFL!

Thanks for the laugh :)

Healthy Relationships

I really liked Dr. Bonior's tips, and really, most of the tips are applicable to all children (i.e. boys AND girls). The title and introduction explain her motivations for the tips but the tips, themselves, are not specific to reducing sexual assaults, rape culture, or misogyny. The tips she gives are meant to help children develop empathy and compassion for others, which will help them develop better relationships with other people. It's about teaching kids to be thoughtful and considerate of others, which is what parents should be doing anyway.

Did it ever occur to you - or

Did it ever occur to you - or this half-baked researcher - that you construct realities merely from words? The label 'rape culture' is a pure fiction - as is the number of 1 in 4 sexually molested (just widen the definition far enough and you will have 100 per cent).
Honestly, a generation ago such intellectual light weights, stuffed full with ideological, simple.minded prejudice, would have been rarely found at unis ...

Have my words and my reality.

The keys I hold in my hand at night in case I am assaulted are not words. They are my reality.

The dark parking lots, or streets, or parks, or whatever else, that I will never ever take a chance to walk through at night, are not words. They are real.

The guy who followed me all the way inside my apartment building was real enough, not just words.

The fingers who ventured inside my underwear when I was 8yo were very real. The penis I was forced to hold and stroke when I was no more than 10yo was definitely real. That same penis would then find its way inside my younger sister's vagina when she too was no more than 10yo.

The hands of another man who fondled my breasts and tried very forcefully to sneak under my skirt were real, as was the voice who told me that "Oh come on, all 13yo girls have done it already!"

To you, o privileged one, all of this may be only futile matters of words. To me, they are very, terrifyingly real.

"Honestly, a generation ago such intellectual light weights, stuffed full with ideological, simple.minded prejudice, would have been rarely found at unis ..."

A generation ago, the word "incest" was barely starting to get whispered among the public. It was still that incredibly rare thing that happened only in the most depraved of families. I thought my family was the only "normal", "respectable" family where such a thing happened.

As for rape, it was that "thing worse than death" that unfortunate women committed suicide over, or remained broken over forever. When it happened to a not-good girl, it was only logical: she deserved it. Hence, girls were taught to be good so it wouldn't happen to them - and if it still happened, well, somehow, it must be their fault.

So the reason none of this would have been found at universities a generation ago, is because people were massively IGNORANT of such things, back then.

The fact that we know better now, and that we are fighting to change things, is a progress. You should welcome progress, not hinder it.

Spreading hate and paranoia

Spreading hate and paranoia are NOT the answer.

Coward.

It's not paranoia if the danger is real. I just shared my very real experience of life, and the very real precautions many, many, MANY women HAVE to take to keep themselves somewhat safe. I shared the truth of a life lived in fear of being assaulted, which is the life of a majority of women. I'm not surprised you should refuse to deal with that fact, and choose to deny it instead.

To change the world

There are several ways to create a world in which assault is unthinkable and the world is safe for womyn. My life partner and I, who have had great success via turkey basters, hrecommend the following methods.

1) If your or your partner gives birth to a male, see if there's any chance of drowning it before anyone finds out.

2) If drowning is not an option, start immediately to drain the patriarchal toxins from his system. Castration in the cradle works wonders. After that, we recommend dressing it in non-gender-specific clothing and addressing it only as "You."

3) Make sure that your womyn-child belittles the boys and reminds them constantly of their natural inferiority.

Follow this procedure for 18 years, and he will surely end up gay, which is really preferable anyway. Then, if he retains any sexual impoulses, he will rape only his fellow members of the opprssor gender. Which serves them right.

Really interesting

It's just so interesting to me that in a post about teaching both boys and girls about sexual consent, even spelling out clearly that males can be victims at the hands of females, that so many people feel defensive about their masculinity (and think themselves comedians....oof.) Fascinating!

h8 2 break it

Even more fascinating is the continual hatred toward men that feminists spread through women's studies courses in college.Constant chorus of how horrible women are treated,patriarchy,slut shaming,fat shaming,misogyny,judgements on looks,age,poor women always oppressed etc.And yet the SAME women lamenting these things are the SAME ones who often at the drop of a hat will reject,judge,slam and berate men for sport."he's not tall enough"...his dick isn't big enough"..."he doesn't make enough money","he's not hot enough"..."he's not a real man"....oh and 99.9% of the time white men are the DEVIL.the oppressors,the priviliged,the entitled,...truth be told MEN have had a bellyful of it.Feminists and liberal women were largely the ones spitting in the faces of soldiers coming back from Vietnam,accusing them of atrocities....if it were not for MEN you would ALL be speaking german or japanese.Thank a man today for your freedoms you would have chance to get on blogs and eviscerate the male if not for the sacrifices of mainly MEN on the frontlines of EVERY battle.

If it weren't for women, you wouldn't exist.

Until the last few decades, pregnancy and childbirth were the first cause of death among adult women. Yet women kept having children, literally putting their lives on the line every single time they got pregnant. So what's your point, exactly?

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Andrea Bonior, Ph.D., is the author of The Friendship Fix and teaches at Georgetown University.

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