Freedom to Learn

Our kids slept with us from the beginning. Bed time in our house was cozy and fun. Both their Dad and I like to go to bed early and get up early, so it was very simple to just pile in together. At one point, we had mattresses on the floor for 2 kids, us and the dog. I don't have a second of regret about our parenting style. Teenagerhood has been relatively smooth and I'm convinced it's from the attachment my kids formed with me during those early years. There was a lot of support for this in the group of friends that I chose to spend time with when the kids were little.

I grew up in Africa in a partly-Westernized culture. I say partly-Westernized because Western influences regarding child rearing and bottle feeding did not penetrate very deeply.

I remember my baby brother's crib remaining in my parent's bedroom until they judged he was old enough (between 2-3 years old) to sleep in the boy's bedroom. Babies in our home were never left alone to cry at any time and would be immediately attended to, day or night. Women simply attached babies to their backs with cloth and kept them there while working or when they left their homes. This ensured a very strong bond with the baby. Even as older children our working middle-class parents never left us alone without someone to supervise and care for our needs. So not only did we have the security of immediate attention but we never learned to be fearful by way of being left alone too early in life.

I followed the same practice after coming to the USA. When my babies were fussy or needed extra attention I simply attached them to my back or chest using a baby sling. I was able to do chores, go for walks and even cook meals while my baby slept close to my body. At night I nursed my babies to sleep before placing them in their cribs. My children did not grow up needy or attention-seeking. They were both able to play quietly and alone from an early age without becoming fearful. They did this because they understood that they would receive immediate attention when they needed it.

This method of child rearing is more labor intensive and requires tremendous patience and consistency. But it ensures a powerful parent/child bond and results in well-behaved, trusting children.

As an aside I become very irritated with parents who allow their children to cry endlessly in public places (or at home) because I see it as lack of skilled parenting.

I have 3 children, all now young adults. They did not have bed times. We did not put them in their beds, or require that they go to sleep at a particular time. As a result there were no bedtime battles in our house. That's right. None.

All three children slept with us from birth, and moved to their own beds at different ages, between 3 and 4 roughly. They transitioned slowly, gradually, and when they wanted to. One of them was very slow to move off, and slept on a small futon in our room for a couple of years before going to his own bed in his own room consistently. Another loved his own bed and slept their at a relatively young age. He was also the only one of the three who took naps at all, and in his own bed. Throughout all of this their beds were available, and they knew they could sleep there if, for as frequently or infrequently as they wanted.

In the evening we did not put any of the children "to bed." They slept in my arms, on the sofa next to me, or on a blanket or little mat on the floor. We would carry them to bed when we went to bed. However, we did not pay attention to them all evening. We did not banish them from the room, but we told them it was no longer "their time," and was now "our time." This was not an issue, it was just accepted because it was always that way. Of course if a child was ill, or upset or something they were cared for no matter the time, and as long as they needed that care. Most of the time,however, that care was simply being held on a lap.

We did not walk babies to make them sleep. I read, or used the computer while they nursed or sat on my lap. Each of the three nursed until they were about 4 or so, and stopped on their own time. They were never "weaned."

All three children would just go to bed eventually, and so there was never an issue of them staying up too late as they got older; they are very self regulatory in that sense.

All of this drove my mother nuts. She raised my two brothers and me with strict nap times and bed times. However, she later said that she was amazed that my "laxness" as she called it, turned out so well.

I think it is terrifying for children to be put to bed alone and in the dark. I never understood why people did that in this culture, and so I didn't. I can say that it worked out very well.

I did the same with food. Little overt regulation, lots of self regulation for my children, and that worked out well too. So far at least, and they are 25, 22 and 19. Keeping my fingers crossed that things will continue just as well for them!!! I also hope they do the same if they have children. I think they will avoid many needless struggles. There are enough issues without adding bed time and food.

My two,age 1 & 3 sleep in bed with me and have done from birth. For me it just seemed easier,I am tandem feeding so why not have everyone in the same bed.Less disruption and less sleepless nights for all!

Co-sleeping is the evolutionary norm. There are many benefits to the child from sleeping with the parent. In our household, one child slept with the parent until the child decided to sleep on her own. Our other child is still sleeping with a parent.

It has been a very natural, very good practice.

For on-demand breastfeeding, family bed was the perfect solution for us. I didn't need to lose any sleep getting up in the middle of the night, and I also had more peace of mind when one of my children was sick since they were right there with me.

My kids all shared our bed until 2 or 3 and even after that, I let them come in when they needed to. I had a junior bed against my bed for them to sleep in when they were older, so I would slip them into there after they fell asleep. I've always been relaxed about bedtime as well, since my kids happen to all be night owls. I like that we always honored their inner clocks.

The only one I had any problems with was my third. With her, it was simply that her personality was much different from her siblings. She was always a restless sleeper and would kick me. She also didn't want anything to do with the junior bed. I imagine if I had done cribs, she would have been the one I would have had to have "cry it out." Because she was my third, I think I tried harder to keep sharing the bed, rather than giving up after the first sleep-deprived night. When we decided to wean her from the bed at 3 years, it was mainly so I could sleep after recovering from illness. My husband and her older sister shared sleep time with her until she could stand to be in a bed alone. I have no regrets that I had this time with my kids, even if it wasn't always easy. I think we are a closer knit family because of it.

For on-demand breastfeeding, family bed was the perfect solution for us. I didn't need to lose any sleep getting up in the middle of the night, and I also had more peace of mind when one of my children was sick since they were right there with me.

My kids all shared our bed until 2 or 3 and even after that, I let them come in when they needed to. I had a junior bed against my bed for them to sleep in when they were older, so I would slip them into there after they fell asleep. I've always been relaxed about bedtime as well, since my kids happen to all be night owls. I like that we always honored their inner clocks.

The only one I had any problems with was my third. With her, it was simply that her personality was much different from her siblings. She was always a restless sleeper and would kick me. She also didn't want anything to do with the junior bed. I imagine if I had done cribs, she would have been the one I would have had to have "cry it out." Because she was my third, I think I tried harder to keep sharing the bed, rather than giving up after the first sleep-deprived night. When we decided to wean her from the bed at 3 years, it was mainly so I could sleep after recovering from illness. My husband and her older sister shared sleep time with her until she could stand to be in a bed alone. In spite of the struggles we've had with our youngest, I think the family bed made our family closer-knit. It was completely worth it.

After a rather tumoltuous c-section birth, I don't think I would have ever been able to breastfeed had I not coslept. moving around... especially at o'dark thirty to feed a newborn is hellacious if you have a surgical wound. Cosleeping makes it so when my son needs to nurse, I just roll over on my side, lift my shirt and then we both fall back asleep. 10 1/2 months later, I can't imagine how anyone... especially breastfeeding mothers, could handle any other arrangement. We never have sleep drama at our house. I just lay in our bed and nurse my son to sleep and 20 minutes later I get up and spend some time with my husband, then I rejoin him when I'm ready to go to bed. I plan on just side-caring a toddler bed when he's too big to sleep with us. For my husband, he loves it because he often works until after our son's bed time so it gives him some time to cuddle with our son, and mornings are joyful because we all wake up together in a delicious, warm, cuddly tangle of limbs.
The funny thing is that when he was a newborn he really had no problem sleeping in the bassinet. It was me that ached for him while we slept. I think it's the most natural thing in the world. Our culture has, indeed, been led astray.

How great to hear from other parents who had the kids in bed with them! My daughter moved to her own bed around 4 yrs, mostly because she doesn't have enough space in ours. I felt social pressure to have her in her own bed earlier. People consider it an embarrassment. Still, it never seemed right to push her away from us, so we didn't. I'm a big believer in intuition over dogma. She still gets up and comes to us early in the morning to sleep another round and so we can wake up together and snuggle. I think it's part of the reason we are so close.

How great to hear from other parents who had the kids in bed with them! My daughter moved to her own bed around 4 yrs, mostly because she doesn't have enough space in ours. I felt social pressure to have her in her own bed earlier. People consider it an embarrassment. Still, it never seemed right to push her away from us, so we didn't. I'm a big believer in intuition over dogma. She still gets up and comes to us early in the morning to sleep another round and so we can wake up together and snuggle. I think it's part of the reason we are so close.

My wife and I do not co-sleep with our two boys. However, exactly as said in the article, the 3 yr old does not like to be left alone at night--he is actually perfectly fine going to sleep if I lie down next to him. So after doing that for a while, we put the baby in the room with him, and now he is basically okay with going to sleep. He still sometimes wants me to go with him, which is fine, but he usually seems very comforted by just having the baby in the room with him and having a night light. The baby actually does not really mind going to sleep by himself, but having his brother in the room with him when he wakes up keeps him happy then.

...as long as everyone sleeps! That's the motto in our house. My oldest (now 11) was a textbook baby who slept well in her own crib. Now she's a night owl who easily stays up until midnight, with no ill effects (we homeschool, so she gets to sleep in until 8 in the morning). She went through a phase around age 5 where she was more fearful, but was happy to bring the family golden retriever into bed with her.

My second child, age 6, has never slept a night in his own bed. As a baby, he never even napped alone. He spent the majority of the day strapped to me in a pouch, or the Ergo backpack carrier, until age 2 or so. He would often fall asleep on his own, but wake up screaming bloody terror 15 minutes later. He was definitely at the VERY demanding end of the attachment scale! He slept every night curled up on my head like a squirrel. We have transitioned to him sleeping most nights on the couch in the living room, with his daddy asleep on a couch nearby. (Daddy prefers the couch to a bed due to back troubles).

Children number 3 and 4 are only 18 months apart. They slept in the bed with me from day one, purely for survival. Now that they are getting a little older (aged 2 and 4) they cuddle together with me in my bed, and I move them to the room they share later. Around 4 in the morning, they will both usually come crawling back in with me.

Some nights it is musical beds in our house. My 11 yr old will decide she feels lonely, and go pick up a younger sibling to snuggle in her bed. Or my 6 yr old will decide he needs mom and come upstairs with me. But there is no crying ... they all know that whatever they need, we are there for them, and they are free to come in and ask for it.

Your column today really connected some dots for me: Child #2, who is my most demanding, most resistant sleeper, is also the "top predator" in our house. He is ridiculously smart for his age, very driven, very capable. It drives my husband crazy that he is so "mature" during the day but so "immature" at night .... well, based on your evolutionary theory, it makes sense!

We co sleep with our 2 year old who still wakes up once or twice asking for water and it´s taking a toll in my energy level. I´ve tried to wean her from her nighty water but just don´t have the heart to let her cry it out and in the end what I want is to sleep!! Any suggestions are welcome ?!?!