Freedom to Grieve

Do you think that this has to do somewhat with the attitudes in America about dying and grieving?

I have attended a variety of funerals and religious services in support of friends, and I see such different rituals and attitudes towards dying and grief. Some of the things I've seen in other cultures really seem to honor the experience of death and grieving in a way Americans do not. You even see it in some animals, the way a herd will gather in ritual to immerse themselves in mourning a lost relative.

Great article! Nothing is worse than someone telling you that the grief should be this way and not that.

Thanks for your comment. You are right that rituals vary a lot across cultures and within our society. In general, people are uncomfortable talking about death, dying and grief. Many people do a decent job supporting those grieving before and during a funeral or memorial service. Often, it is the months and years that follow when people feel isolated and pushed to "get over" their grief. There are many reasons for these attitudes. I'll try to cover more in various blog entries, and you can also read about these issues in Closure: The Rush to End Grief and What It Costs Us. I'd love to hear more of your thoughts on that topic, too. nancy

We're no longer taught anything about how to grieve. For most people, their only exposure to grief is through television, which of course portrays grief inaccurately. So the reality of grief doesn't match people's nebulous expectations and they wonder if the fault is with them. Complicating things further is that every grief experience is different, even for the same person. So if their current experience doesn't match their last, let alone someone else's, they wonder what's wrong with them. What's wrong is the culture of avoiding anything to do with death and grief. Turning grief into a disorder is a symptom of this. It seems to me that the DSM-V is going in a wrong direction on a lot of topics, not helpful directions at all.

You are so spot-on! Human finitude with its traumatizing impact, as disclosed in the experience of loss of a beloved one, is not a condition from which one can or should recover.

Our culture has created a mythology around grief that simply has little or no connection to the reality of grief and grieving. Not only is grief not a diagnosable disorder, it is the mechanism through which we heal. In trying to diagnose and treat it, a huge disservice is being done to the healthy, healing capacity within us.

Yes people do get stuck in the process. Many of those who will get stuck, can probably be spotted very early on. The problem is that there is no checklist of symptoms that can distinguish that group from those who will go through the grieving process in their own way and come out the other side fully able to embrace life again.

You might like this article I wrote a while back on the futility of trying to quantify grief...
http://www.griefheals.com/grief/grief-poets-mystics/

Thanks for a great article.

Susan Fuller
Author, How to Survive Your Grief
http://www.surviveyourgrief.com

But what if the grief is so intense over such a long period that it severely impacts someone's day-to-day life? If you can't get out of bed most days, or you're having trouble maintaining a job and/or relationships, at some point, wouldn't professional help be valuable?

Sarah,
Thank you for your important questions. Yes, there are people who are struggling so much that having help is important. First, anyone can seek help, whether counselors, clergy, friends, or family. And specifically for counselors, you do not need to be diagnosed with a disorder to benefit from counseling. The best therapists are those who have excellent listening skills. Often, what people want is someone to listen to them and let them know they are "normal" in their grieving. Yes, grief is hard and many people need support to learn how to live with grief. That is different than saying they have a mental disorder. And the support people may need most is not necessarily medical or psychological in nature.

Second, there are people who are grieving, and in addition to their grief, they may be battling other issues such as clinical depression. (The construction of depression is another topic, but I won't get into that here.) But depression and grief are not the same thing. And grief is not an illness.

nancy

I dont understand how depression and grieving are not the same thing. I have just come out of a very painful and verbally abusive relationship with a man I loved very much. The grieving was horrendous, I couldnt get out of bed for days and Im thankful I had a very understanding boss who didnt ask too much of me. I am feeling better these days, after 3 years but still have waves of sadness and then waves of some good days. I really thought the grieving is what causes the depression because you are so sad from losing somene you loved so much.