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Ellen finally confronted Tom: Was he having an affair? Tom hemmed and hawed... no he wasn't... not anymore...it's over...I am so sorry...I realize it was wrong... ...I love you... we can get beyond this, let's move on and put it behind us.
While statistics vary, it's estimated that between 30-50% of couples will at some point find themselves or their partner in an affair. In some cases the affair is a way out of an already dying relationship. There is no repair only moving on. But for a vast majority, the impact is more like Tom and Ellen: it happened—for days, weeks, or months, sexual or only emotional—but none the less the other feels victimized and shattered. The challenge for the couple is how do they move beyond this.
While each situation is individual and personal, here is the fall-out pattern I've seen over and over:
Discovery and shock. Like Ellen, the partner suspects then confronts. Or discovers—300 text messages on the phone bill to someone in Ohio, a call from a friend, a story that doesn't add up. Or the offending partner comes clean after a few glasses of wine to rid their guilt and clear their conscience.
Tell me why. Why did you do this, how could you do this, asks Ellen. Tom explains, sort of—I don't know, it started out as just friends, it got out of hand, I don't know.
I'm sorry, let's move on. I love you, says Tom. I realize this was stupid and hurtful. Let's put this behind us. I'm sorry, really.
Obsessing. Ellen is doing her best to put this behind her but finds herself waking up at 3 am obsessing—how long was this really going on, when he went she out of town for those meetings, did she go with him, what hotel did they meet at? How many times did they meet? Does she have children? What did she wear? Is she in better looking than me?
Obsessive questioning. The 3 am thoughts turn into daytime endless questions—what hotel, how did you meet her, what does she look like, what color was the carpet in the motel room? The interrogated partner starts do feel defensive and gets evasive—I don't know, I don't remember, why is it important, give it up, I'm sorry, let's move forward! The defensiveness just fuels the other partner's sense that there was more going on than he is willing to say, that his reluctance to answer questions means he really doesn't care.
They are stuck. He says, "If we keep talking about this I'll go crazy." She says, "If we can't talk about this, I'll go crazy."
What's going on here? Two things: Grief and trust.
Ellen, as part of the grief process, is trying to make sense of what happened. She is suffering a loss, both in her vision of her relationship, but also in her vision of Tom. She is struggling to connect the dots. How could this person who I thought I knew do this? Hence the obsessing.
Rebuilding trust starts with honesty and accountability. Ellen is understandably in post-traumatic- stress mode. If Tom is a half hour late getting home or says he is working late, she automatically wonders what he might be really doing. If the phone bill is $30 more than last month, her mind moves towards worst-case scenarios. Only by Tom's reliability and honesty can her fears begin to diminish.
But often if Tom does all the right stuff that he says is going to do—be more honest and attentive—Ellen's fears may still linger. The grief hangs on because she still can't connect the dots and understand what really happened. Without that—sorting out is it me, is it him, is it us—Ellen has no solid way of knowing what to fix so this doesn't happen again.
What to do? Three things:
1. Ellen needs to do her best to stop with the detailed questions. Tom doesn't understand what drives them, and his pulling away or getting angry makes matters worse. Rather than asking about hotels, Ellen needs to say, "Help me understand in your mind how this came about."
2. Tom needs to step up and meet the challenge. Affairs are not problems so much as bad solutions to either individual problems or couple problems. Though he himself may not have sorted this out—the problem under the problem of the affair—he needs to do it now. Was he depressed and stressed and felt he couldn't share it with Ellen? Was he feeling unappreciated or affectionally starved in spite of what Ellen did, but didn't' or couldn't speak up? Why the affair and why now? What is the problem, what is the need that was being neglected?
This is what Tom needs to talk about and Ellen needs to just listen to. The answer to the question: What is the moral of the story of the affair?
If Tom can't figure this out on his own, he needs to get help and support—counseling from somewhere, talk to a good friend or family member. But he needs to deconstruct the affair in his own mind in terms of him and the context so Ellen can understand what makes her partner tick, and so she can let go a bit about the obsessing and so they can together fix the problems that generated the problem. If he doesn't, Ellen is going to remain on edge.
3. Finally, they need to make an effort to move on in spite of the tension or sadness they feel. The affair is a wound—they need to heal it through good communication, but also by replacing negative images and memories with new, more positive ones. The best way to do this is through concrete action—going on a date, snuggling together on the couch, watching the sunset together on the deck—even if they don't quite feel like it.
Are they going to feel awkward while doing these things for a while? Absolutely. But the old fake-it-till-you-make-it approach will work—the emotions can catch up to the behaviors, the emotional climate between them will change. By meeting the challenges of understanding what went wrong, working on solving the underlying problems, and actively creating new memories, the wounds can be eventually healed, the lessons learned.
It is a process that can be painful at times. But by moving through this, there can be a real change in their relationship. The future can be better than the past.
