There is a popular Seinfeld episode in which George decides for a day to do the opposite of what he usually does to see if it creates any positive changes in his life. And it does. Every risk he takes works out well. He goes against his programming and discovers new opportunities.
Like George, we all walk out of childhood programmed in two ways. One is in terms of what we are most sensitive to—criticism of others, being ignored, lots of emotional drama around us, being unappreciated—all tied to what we were exposed to and what wounded us most in growing up. We also get programmed in how to cope—with others, with stress, with our wounds. As a child our options are few and usually boil down to get angry, withdraw, or get good—that is, follow the rules and be the way our parents and other adults want us to be. Whatever way we pick works in that we somehow manage to get through childhood.
As an adult this programming can lead to a couple of problems. Our hot-wired sensitivities—to criticism, for example, or being unappreciated—assures us that we will find them. We say good morning to our boss, she doesn't respond back, and we worry that we've done something wrong and are in trouble. Our spouse doesn't comment on the dinner we made and we feel unappreciated. Old wounds are stirred that automatically put us back into our 10-year-old mindset. Not only do we feel the sting, our self-image and world-image are reinforced as well - that we're stupid, that people don't care about us. We fall back into responding the way we did as a kid—get angry, withdrawn, good—that makes real problem-solving almost impossible and keeps the sensitivities and wounds alive.
It's time to upgrade the software, time to do some reprogramming. What got us by as kid isn't flexible enough to handle our bigger, more complex adult world. In order to break out and stop the cycle, we need to go against our grain, try other ways of responding. Often this is as simple as doing what George did—the opposite of what we normally do—if angry, be quiet and listen; if withdrawn, step forward and say how we feel; if good, resist doing what we should and think about doing what we want instead.
Now the first few (hundred) times you do this, you're still going to feel like a 10-year-old. The old circuits are going to get fired. But if you can keep it up, not only will your new coping style become easier and more automatic, the gap between behavior and emotions will begin to close; the 10-year-old feelings and old wounds will begin to evaporate. It's a bit about determination and courage, and often about support from others (George had Jerry and Elaine) to behaviorally make the change.
So are you ready for an upgrade? Sure you are. Gather your cheerleaders and go ahead and give it try.
