The lament of many parents—the challenge of getting kids to bed and ultimately keeping them there.
If we deconstruct it, it's easy to see that it's actually a 2-step process—the getting and keeping. Let's break it down:
Getting:
It's all about the routine, the shift from post-dinner / evening to bed. Work it out and then adjust as the kids grow older. The steps:
1. Shut down. This means giving a warning that it's time to put away toys, shut down the computer or TV in x minutes. X should be about 10-15 minutes (and if TV built around the end of a show). Set a kitchen timer (the timer controls the minutes rather than you) and set it near the toys, the appliance (TV / computer).
2. Bed prep. This is usually multi-step: pajamas, brush teeth, etc.
3. Reward. This is the motivator for doing the above—often some dessert, but also book, individual play time with parent (short). The message here is 'good job on prep'.
4. Settle. In bed. Standard is read book(s)—set time limit on this so you are not doing 27 Bill Peets or entire volume of Harry Potter till 3 am. Also great time for short but intimate conversations.
5. Wrap up. Kiss good night. Night-light on. Stuff animals assembled and in place. Tape of Wiggles, etc.
6. Lights out.
7. Done.
Keeping - The Hard Part:
This gets difficult depending upon the age of your child, but it all essentially revolves around anxiety. For younger children it is often about monsters. For a bit older kids it can be a resurgence of miscellaneous fears. The plan, however, is the same. The key is not having your child control what happens.
As your child gets anxious, she will cry out for water or talk about monsters, or beg you to stay and sleep with her, or want sleep in bed with you. Once you cave in to their requests, they set the pace. You respond—turn on the light, check for monsters, bring them into bed—and it works—they settle down—but it is all over because it works. They feel better but only because they have inadvertently trained you to respond to their beck and call.
The counter-intuitive plan goes as follows:
1. Reinforce the prep. If your child is anxious say that he's got the night light, the flashlight to check for monsters, can listen to the tape, all good.
2. Say - I'll check on you in 5 minutes. This reassures your child that you are sensitive and alert to his fears.
3. Come in and check at 3 minutes. What you are trying to do here is reverse the pattern - rather than your child calling the shots, you do. The subtle but important message here is that I know you are nervous and I'm here to protect you. And do it. Check in—you doing okay? Move on.
3. Be around. Walk the hall, sit in the hall if bolting out of bed is a real possibility so that your child can relax knowing that you are on-duty. Check again.
5. Do not give in. Don't cave and let your child come into your bed or have you sleep with him. If this is hard for you, get your spouse to emotionally support you or go off by yourself, deep breathe, and pat yourself on the back for doing a great job.
This may take a while especially if the beck and call pattern is firmly in place. You are trying to break a pattern, rewire everyone's brain. You child will be okay. He needs to learn that he will survive the night on his own. It's better to learn it now rather than on his wedding night.
5. Give positive feedback. Let her know that she is doing a great job of being brave. Next morning (you hang-dogged and exhausted) tell her again that she did a good job last night of staying in bed.
You're done, again. Congrats.
Oh, yeah, keep it up.
