The reason that writers continue to create characters like these is because they know we've all been there. Most of us have our own set of self-destructive behaviors - some serious, some not - that automatically kick in whenever certain feelings begin to overpower us. While they help keep the feelings at bay, they can also undermine our health, erode our self confidence and self esteem, and over time spawn their own additional share of problems.

I Got a Feeling

It's 6 am, you've packed the car, and are ready to go off on a long business trip. But then you look down and see that one of your tires is as flat as your driveway. You sigh, you fume, you kick the tire, you throw your briefcase across the lawn. You've got a problem.

Daily life is filled with aggravating situations like this, big and small, that seem to fall out of the blue on our heads. They keep us off balance, they mess up our day, they force us to stop what we're doing and pay attention to them. Instead of hitting the road, you're calling up the garage or are down on your knees changing the tire yourself. Whew, finally the spare's on, the problem's fixed.

But what got fixed? The tire, of course, but that's not what was really the problem. The real problem was the fact that you felt so mad. If you had looked at the tire and thought, "This is great, now I have an excuse not to go on the awful trip," you'd have felt happy, probably not worried about the tire, nor there was much of a problem.

Thousands of times a day we use our emotions as a meter to sift and sort and guide us through life's events; only a handful of them bother us so much that we officially designate them "problems" and take the time to solve them. Once we do, we've succeeded not only getting them out of the way, but in fixing the problem inside ourselves, namely, the crummy feeling we had that we didn't like.

It's emotions then that are the driving force behind all the problems that fill our life. But what about the other times, when instead of fixing the tire or stepping back and talking over a disagreement, we get drunk like Harry or stuffed like Ethel? In these situations the feelings become so overwhelming that they block out our ability to think it through. Rather than figuring out a way of changing the situation, we set our sights on squashing the emotion as quickly and in whatever way possible. And it works - even though the tire may still be flat or the argument still smoldering, the immediate feeling - of anger, of sadness - is, at least for the moment, gone.

The fact that all this drowning and stuffing and squashing works only encourages us to do it again; the more we do it, the less deliberate and more involuntary our reaction becomes. Over time these negative, self destructive reactions not only run on automatic pilot, but can work their way into the flow of our lives to become part of our lifestyle. Eating or drinking or spending too much doesn't just become a way of coping when we're upset, we do a regular basis because it's what we do. The feelings that may have originally started it all are perpetually pushed aside by our entrenched patterns.

The key to stopping self-destructive behaviors is stopping the automatic reaction that drives it. Only by slowing down the process, realizing when the behavior is kicking in, and putting on the brakes can you break the cycle, gain some control and create the space and opportunity for new, more positive behaviors and emotions to emerge.

The easiest way to do this is to carefully examine and change what you do before, during, and after your self-destructive pattern is takes hold. Here's what to do at each step along the line:

Before: Because it's so easy to get swept up and not even be aware of what sets off a particular behavior, it's useful to sit down with yourself and figure out ahead of time what specific situations and emotions you're most vulnerable to. Think back over past incidents and try to determine both the trigger that starts it and the pattern that unfolds: Do you always get enraged when you feel your husband is criticizing you? Do you tend to smoke more when you're under a lot of job pressure? If you've had a hard day, do you get irritable and overeat, or have a hard week and feel on Fridays that you "earned" the right to break a few rules? Is there something else that you can do instead?

Middle: By being aware of them ahead of time, it's easier to catch the triggers and patterns as they crank up. Once they do the only thing you don't need to worry about doing what's good, but only stopping what's bad. It doesn't matter how far along it's gone; just put down the fork before the last bite, walk out of the room as soon as you feel your anger rise, just sit there when your impulse is to run. It doesn't really matter what you do as long as it's different from what you automatically do. (Eating a different cake or drinking a different brand of beer doesn't count). What you're trying to do is stop the momentum of the behavior and take control of it; each time you do it, the easier it gets. Once you feel more settled and under control, pat yourself on the back.

Post: Once you've slowed things down and are less swept up in the pattern, you're better able to step back and change it. Take time to shift through your feelings - what other feelings come to the surface - loneliness, boredom, depression? What could help change the situation so that it doesn't keep setting you off - do you have a heart-to heart talk with you daughter? Do you some extra time alone at the end of the day to unwind? Do you need to talk to your boss about the workload, should you consider getting some counseling to sort through it all?

Don't worry about coming up with the mind-shattering insight or miracle answer. The fact that you're asking the right questions and willing to try different approaches is the big step that you need to set you in the right direction.