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Couples can get stuck making a decision about their relationship. I've seen many couples over the years who are aware of marital problems they have, are often contemplating separation or divorce, yet they have gone for months and months talking about some change, but are unable to move even though both are feeling miserable. The beginning sessions of the counseling is continuation of the same discussion they've been having all along. Ambivalence rules the day.
As many of us do with a lot of big decisions, they are sitting on a fence - afraid to move forward towards separation yet unable or unwilling to make any real changes in their relationship. They are waiting for their feelings to somehow become clear, or for the other guy to change or make a move. But nothing changes with all the talking. They need to counter all the ambivalence with some decisive action.
At this point I usually suggest they consider one of two options:
#1: That we map out and work on concrete goals. We need to nail down those things that each person feels has to change between them to feel that things are improving. The list needs to not be terribly long - 3 or 4 items - and very specific - more affection and sex, less criticism, doing more things as a family - and these are even made more specific - for, example, what, how, how often would you want to do things as a family?
After each person comes up with his or her list, the next step is that each person needs to commit to doing what the other person wants for at least a month, preferably two. Weekly counseling sessions are used to help both stay on track, see how the emotional environment changes, and sort out whatever snags come up. It is important that both partners put on blinders -- focus on themselves and their tasks -- and not worry about what the other partner is or is not doing. The idea behind this is to block that competition and resentment that couples can get into - I'm not giving you any hugs because you haven't stopped criticizing me. No, give the hugs regardless of the other's actions. We'll sort out the seeming unbalance in the counseling sessions.
#2. Have a 3 month trial separation. If the couple doesn't want to commit to this full-court press, are leaning more towards separation, then they need to do that - come up with a concrete plan for a temporary separation of say 3 months. The idea behind this trial separation is to see what it is like to be apart - do they miss each other, are they relieved? I suggest that they not date others during this time since this is a distraction. We decide upon the frequency and focus of counseling sessions during this time. Sometimes couples decide, for example, to have weekly date nights that are emotionally positive and light, and use their counseling sessions to talk about more serious matters.
This longer period of several months rather than just one is usually needed because each one's emotional reactions are more complex, and it takes longer during this process for both to reach some equilibrium. There is usually a initial response - relief or loneliness - followed by some change - a missing of the other or a bouncing back. They need to decide how often they may want to see or talk to each other, but what they need to avoid is essentially continuing to do everything the same - having dinner together, spending each evening, hanging out together on weekend -- except sleeping in separate houses. That defeats the purpose of the experience.
After the three month period can decide on next steps - continue for another few months, agree to seeing other people, getting back together from a #1 Option perspective, moving towards permanent separation and divorce.
The idea behind both these options is that the couple can reach some clarity. Rather than languishing in some lazy middle ground, they move off the fence and by doing so become more clear about their own emotions and commitment. The counseling sessions become a safe way to talk about and understand the changes and encourage action.
So if you feel stuck on the fence in your relationship consider ramping up and taking some action.
By doing you may discover just how you feel.
