Fixing Families

Tools for walking the intergenerational tightrope

by Robert Taibbi, L.C.S.W.

Deconstructing Anger

Jack has a temper. Growing up with alcoholic parents, he was the kind of kid who was always getting in trouble at school – threatening classmates who he thought were talking about him, quickly got into fights on the playground. Read More

Living Together: A Good Idea?

There has been a good deal of interest lately about the pro and cons of cohabitation—the living together as a couple before marriage. Studies from both Rutgers and University of Virginia have looked at this issue and had some conclusions. Read More

Reaching Your Bottom Lines

Think about the time you left home for the first time. If you can try and imagine the scene: maybe you are going off to college, getting an apartment with friends, getting married, but you are literally packing up your stuff and moving out of your parents’ house. Read More

How to Stop Arguing With Your Teen (Spouse, Partner...)

She gives you that look. He starts to go ballistic when you tell him that he has to help around the house on Saturday. Suddenly everyone's buttons are pushed and WWIII begins. Read More

What Not To Do (When You're Depressed, Anxious, Drunk or High)

I've met clients over the years who, in various conversations, said quite emphatically that one of their regrets is that they did something really impulsive when they were in a less than functional mindset: they were really really depressed, unbelievably anxious, or drunk or high on something like...(fill in the blank). Read More

Affairs: Healing the Wounds

Ellen finally confronted Tom: Was he having an affair? Tom hemmed and hawed... no he wasn't... not anymore...it's over...I am so sorry...I realize it was wrong... ...I love you... we can get beyond this, let's move on and put it behind us. Read More

Kids and Floor Time

Six-year-old Andy and his father Tom are always getting into it. Tom yells, Andy whines, sulks or slams something night after night. This pattern is not all that unusual. Read More

Time to Upgrade

There is popular Seinfeld episode in which George decides for a day to do the opposite of what he usually does to see if it creates any positive changes in his life. And it does. Every risk he takes works out well. He goes against his programming and discovers new opportunities. Read More

Go to Bed Angry

Kate's parents had this mantra that if they ever had an argument they would agree to hang in there and resolve it, and never go to bed angry. In her own marriage, Kate has tried a few times with mixed results to follow in her parents footsteps. A couple of times her husband refused to talk and simply went and slept on the couch. Read More

The Limits of Being Good

"I'm sick and tired of being good."

Dana is a 35 year old, and by all accounts, successful woman. Good family, great kids, high level job, attractive, in good health. What brings her into counseling, however, is a recent scare where she found herself really attracted to and sexually tempted by a work colleague. Nothing happened, but the unexpected burst of emotions took her aback. Read More

The Art of Making Big Decisions

Allison and Jack are deciding whether to move. They have been in their house for 5 years, they like the neighborhood, their kids have friends for easy play dates, like the school, the work commute is easy. What they don't like is the house itself - getting too small, short that extra bath - and the next door neighbors. Read More

Kids: Get to Bed!

The lament of many parents—the challenge of getting kids to bed and ultimately keeping them there.

If we deconstruct it, it's easy to see that it's actually a 2-step process—the getting and keeping. Let's break it down:

Getting: Read More

Sex: Time to Recalibrate

Last weekend Tom had a bit too much to drink and that created a problem. He and his wife, Sarah, tried to make love a few hours later and Tom couldn't just quite make it work. This had never happened before. He felt bad, she was disappointed but understanding, but now he is having a hard time, worrying that this lack of performance could happen again. Read More

Relationships Like a House

Imagine moving into a large empty house with your partner. There is plenty of space: a room just for you, a man-cave for him, room for entertaining, overnight guests. You can decorate as you like. Read More

The Art of Action

It's easy to be driven by our emotions. We know we should exercise, but it's cold outside and we just don't feel like it. We're depressed because we're out of a job, and know we should get ourselves down to the unemployment office, but we feel so tired, and so wind up just sitting on the couch watching the CSI marathon. Read More

Scratching the 7-Year Itch

Steve and Megan met and fell in love while in college. They both shared the same sense of humor, both were politically liberal, but Steve was outgoing while Megan was shy. Steve saw Megan's quietness as intriguing and comforting, Megan admired Steve's ability to reach out to strangers, and even enjoyed his dragging her to parties that she would never go to alone. Read More

Positive Parenting

You've read the latest books, magazine articles, maybe even taken the classes. You know how to set structure and limits, and you do lots of things every day to let your kids know that you love them. All in all, you do a pretty good job as a parent. Read More

Self Care for the Caretaker

Susan's mother just called -- "Could she go with her to the doctor's on Wednesday afternoon?" she asked. Susan sighed. Oh, course, she said, without even thinking. She looked at her calendar. It was going to be another tough day. Read More

Life Is a PTSD Event

There's a lot of talk these days about post-traumatic stress (PTSD) - veterans returning from war who can't sleep because of nightmares, who feel vulnerable and on-edge just walking into a crowded McDonald's. Or people who have been in terrible car accidents that make them now shiver while waiting at a red light, or trigger them into road rage when a car suddenly weaves in their direction. Read More

Mastering the Art of Compromise

Sam is thinking about summer vacation. What he would really like to do is go camping and hiking for a week in a national park. But Sam also knows that his wife Ann really doesn't like camping, so he thinks maybe the beach would work. But also Ann tends to get bored at the beach, but maybe if they only went for a long weekend that would work out. Read More

Beyond Black & White: Learning the Lessons of Your Parents’ Marriage

Ann always thought her parents had a great marriage. When she was growing up they always seemed to get along, they made time for couple-dates, they were great parents. In her marriage she has tried to continue their tradition and replicate as much as possible their relationship. Read More

Stepfamily Success

All stepfamilies come with challenges - the combining of different households and family cultures, the weekend visitations, the dealing with exes, the confusion that the children feel in trying to make sense not only of the divorce, but now this new parent and stepbrothers and sisters that they didn't ask for. The stress can take its toll. Read More

Discover Your Life

Building your life. It's very American. You have between the ages of 20 and 60 to grab hold of your life and make something out of it - get that family, make that money, launch those kids. At the end of the time you and everyone else will take stock -- look at what you've accomplished, how well you've done, how successful you are. Read More

The Relationship Triangle

This is a useful way of looking at relationships, and I use this in all my work with couples both as a way of seeing where they are, but also where they need to go. It is based on the Drama Triangle, also known as the Karpman Triangle, which was developed by psychiatrist Steven Karpman in the in the early 1970's. What follows in my interpretation and expansion on Karpman's original ideas. Read More

Do the Self-Image Make-Over

It's likely that your self-image is way out of date. It's like a suit or dress that you've long outgrown, a carry-over from when you were ten. You're not good at sports, not smart, not capable of being the extrovert and mingling with strangers - ideas burned into your brain when you were young and overwhelmed and constantly measuring yourself against the small group of folks around you. Read More

Putting Chronic Problems to Rest

Chronic problems - we all have one or two, maybe even several: The exercise that we never seem to be able to stick with, our ongoing struggles with managing money, the close relationships that always seem to go sour, those never-ending battles with our kid over cleaning up his room. Read More

Out of Control

Scene 1: Setting: Living Room. We see Harry and Ethel in a ferocious argument. "Not over my dead body!" screams Harry as he stomps out of the house, slams the door and drives away.

Scene 2: Setting: A local bar. We see Harry hunched over a glass of whiskey that he promptly downs in one gulp. "Give me another," he yells at the barkeeper, "and this time make it a double!" Read More

Discipline: 5 More Ways to Do It Right

We finish our list of discipline tips and ways to put them into action Read More

Discipline: 5 Ways to Do It Right

Okay, you know the basics - no grounding for life, no giving in to candy whines at the checkout line, no time-outs for 6 hours. But bedtime is a moving target and getting up and out in the morning can often have all the drama of an Wagnerian opera. Read More

Getting Off the Fence: Deciding About Separation

Couples can get stuck making a decision about their relationship. I've seen many couples over the years who are aware of marital problems they have, are often contemplating separation or divorce, yet they have gone for months and months talking about some change, but are unable to move even though both are feeling miserable. Read More

Robert Taibbi is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker and author with over 37 years of experience in community mental health. He has worked with couples and families as a clinician, supervisor, and clinical director.

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