Once upon a time, all the way back in the 50s, there was only marriage and sin. And then came the 60s and 70s and alternative lifestyles popped up all over the place. Most especially couples simply living together. Since then marriage rates have declined while couples living together has gone up tenfold1. Cohabitating has morphed into a virtue in the eyes of most Americans. In fact, for the first time in U.S. history more couples are living together compared to those who are married and this trend is continuing. About a quarter of unmarried women age 25 to 39 are living with a partner. And about 53% of all first marriages were preceded by living together2.
More and more couples are simply packing up their things, moving in and sharing digs. They say it's because they want to try things out, a test drive so to speak, with their partner-to avoid a bad marriage. Some say it is more convenient, more economical. Especially in hard financial times. A fewer-strings-attached, safer, more economically sound alternative to tying the knot.
Usually the decision happens without a great deal of planning or discussion. For a younger woman in her 20s or 30s it may seem like a natural but unspoken step towards marriage. For her male counterparts, on the other hand, the moving-in decision may have little to do with eventually saying "I do," according to a 2006 study3. Also, for older couples who have already been through the family-children-divorce scenario, moving in together is the endpoint companionship they seek--the relational Holy Grail. So is cohabitating a good thing or is it bad for your relationship?
First, let me tell you a story. Shelley, a sparkly 30 year old graduate student in Public Health, serendipitously found Jared, her super secret crush from high school on Facebook. They wrote on each other's walls, chatted up a storm, and fell deeply into what seemed to be a magical connection. They used the L word liberally with each other and called each other smoochie names. Cut to one year later. Shelley's apartment lease was up. Jared, web designer geek, had a roomy, but nick-nacked loft downtown, close to Shelley's school and she was spending so much time at his place... And so they decided she would move in. There was not much discussion about it. Shelley ensconced herself complete with Miffles the cat, right in the midst of Jared's clutter. And promptly began to reorganize and clean it all up. Shelly had been through this before, when she lived with her ex, Jonathan. She was used to putting her touch on a guy place. Things ended badly with Jonathan, when his drinking buddies took over the place one time too many.
But this time Shelley felt differently. She knew in every cell of her body, down to the tips of her toes that Jared was the One. Shelley was absolutely sure that they would have the whole white-picket-fence future, complete with 2 dogs, 3 kids and, of course, Miffles II.
OK we will cut away from Shelley and Jared's cozy loft nest to give you, dear reader, a quiz. Do you think that this couple is likely to:
a) Live together happily ever after
b) Get married and go through a yucky divorce
c) Live together unhappily ever after
d) Part ways after about a year and a half
e) Not enough information
Additional research done over the last 10 years sheds light on what might happen to our daring duo. To learn all about the surprising answers, be sure to catch Part II.
Diana Kirschner Ph.D.'s bestselling dating advice book, Love in 90 Days, is the basis for her PBS Special on love. It's just out in paperback with a new chapter on Dating Games Men Play. Dr. Diana is a frequent guest psychologist on The Today Show. Connect with Dr. Diana and get her free Relationship Advice E-course at Dating Advice TV.
1The 2005 Current Population Survey. Available at www.census.gov/population/socdemo/hh-fam/cps2005
2Larry Bumpass and Hsien-Hen Lu, (2000) "Trends in Cohabitation and Implications for Children's Family Contexts in the U.S.," Population Studies, 54:29-41.
3G.K. Rhoades, S.M. Stanley and H.J. Markman, "Pre-engagement Cohabitation and Gender Asymmetry in Marital Commitment," Journal of Family Psychology, 2006, 20, 553-560.
