A fascinating study by the mathematician and economist, Robert Seymour and the social scientist, Peter Sozou, researchers at the University College London and The London School of Economics shows that a longer courtship before mating allows a male to show that he is "good" from the female's point of view. The authors define "goodness" as a man's willingness to care for young after mating. The study used game theory to analyze the male/female dating game. According to the researchers, a longer courtship shows that the males who are more available for lasting and true love relationships were willing to wait and delay having sex. They consider these subjects to be "good men" from the women's point of view.
According to the authors, a "good male," values mating with the female, relative to the costs of courtship, more highly than a "bad male" (their term) does. In other words, they can wait longer. "Bad men", according to these male scholars, try to get to mating right away and then quit the courtship process right after sex. To all men, the courtship game is a kind of war of attrition, with the opportunity to mate with the woman the real benefit for which they wait. According to the findings, which required rejuvenating the statistician in me, a “good” male has a higher ratio of benefit to cost per unit time of courting than a “bad” male. In other words, “bad” men see waiting to have sex as paying too high a price.
You gotta love this study!! It is not only funny in its use of value-laden terms of "good" and "bad" (by male scientists no less) but it is totally in line with my own clinical findings on relationships. The Dating Program of Three I detail in Love in 90 Days: The Essential Guide to Finding Your Own True Love recommends that women (of all ages) casually date a few guys at the same time while not having sex with any of them. There are sound biological reasons why the Program of Three works. It helps you avoid the number one mistake that single women make: the addictive moth-to-a-flame over-involvement with some new guy who is supposedly the “One.” Why is this so important? When you have sex with someone, your body drives up the levels of oxytocin both during the whole sexual act and after you leave the scene. Oxytocin, which has been called the cuddle, bonding, or tend-and-befriend hormone, creates a strong biological attachment. This means that your body may automatically start the attachment process with almost anyone you bed, whether or not you want to be in a relationship with him! Add that chemical to any dopamine surges you get from “falling in love” and you’re desperately waiting for his text, email or phone call.
On my dating program it is only after at least two months of consistently improving contact that I suggest that women consider dating a fellow exclusively and possibly having sex with him. Over the course of these two months, there should be more sharing of friends, family and personal space, as well as feelings and thoughts. True love comes from having a best friendship along with chemistry. Waiting is a good thing for both men and women.
So folks, learn to discriminate. As the song goes, “The Waiting is the Hardest Part,” but it is also more likely to result in a love that lasts.
*Diana Kirschner Ph.D.'s bestselling dating advice book, Love in 90 Days, is the basis for her PBS Special on love. It's just out in paperback with a new chapter on Dating Games Men Play. Dr. Diana is a frequent guest psychologist on The Today Show and ran the 90 Love Challenge on the Fox Morning Show. She has been married to a "good" man for over 25 years.
--Connect with Dr. Diana via Web, Video, Mobile Phone, e-Mail & Print at Dating Advice TV.
--Buy the dating advice book (I know it's self-serving but it has 34 five-star reviews on Amazon)
--Get my free Relationship Advice E-course.
--It's Spread The Love Day, when I encourage you to share love teachings and tidbits. You might: Share funny viral videos about flirting and dating games men play. Forward this blog post link to someone who would be interested. Thanks! I really appreciate your help in sharing the love.
