Finding Love

A new map of the path to intimacy

A Simple Question That Will Change Your Search for Love

Most advice on seeking love focuses on the skills of seeking, not the skills of loving. Apps, events and websites offer endless opportunities to meet, but until we learn how to choose healthy intimacy and nurture its tender new shoots, it’s unlikely we’ll find the love we seek. We can transform our search for intimacy by approaching it in a new way. Read More

I think people waste too much

I think people waste too much time on finding love.

It helps to dispel the idea that love is some mystical magical force and admit what it really is ---- chemical.

Romantic love is nothing more than hormones combined with unmet physiological needs.

Looking for "true love" is chasinging a rainbow. Its an illusion, a rush of good-feeling chems.

Believing that there is that special someone out there and that there is someone for everyone is a stupid and harmful falsehood imposed on people.

Everyday, millions of people die never having found their "soul mate" and many leave this plane of existence never having been loved.

What do we say to them -- "Oh, you did it wrong..." , "You looked in the wrong place..." --- or my favorite stupid meaningless tripe: "You must love yourself first..."

Accept that romantic "love" is just an evolutionary trick to get us to mate and raise offspring and nothing more and you'll feel much better about not finding it.

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it's in the questions...

This story has good elements of truth - especially the ending questions which are actually examples of the opportunities we embrace or ignore every day, which develop our Intimacy Muscle which is as Corey adeptly explains is another way of describing our Love Muscle. The hardest part about strengthening our capacity to love and be loved is understanding in our own ordinary everyday terms, what love actually looks like. We tend to think of Love in the idealized romantic construct; actually Love, and the opportunity to exercise our Love Muscle is all around us and presents in a myriad of ways and forms, some days with an ugly face, in the context of a grocery store line, and other times, in the silence of the night when we can choose to reach out to another human being. When we exercise Love in all its forms and situations, it enhances our capacity to give to and receive our Lover. Therefore, choosing to be intimate - honest, vulnerable, emotionally connected is psychologically health engendering because it is the ultimate form of self-love....it primes us for giving to and receiving from our Lover....and it ignites a chain of Love in those around us, who ignite this same energy to their circle, and the energy goes on and on.

Since my teen age, I used to

Since my teen age, I used to think why sex is called making Love. Why Love between Man-woman and mother-child is different. Ultimately I concluded, Love is same in every relation. Sex is a biological process. If you add passion to it, it becomes making Love. If you add money to it, it becomes trade. If add abuse to it, It becomes crime.

Love is only one thing that is making moments together and sharing moments together. It is being in need as well as being naturally there in need.

So the one question I asked myself, Am I ready to spend the rest of my life with this person even if I am not allowed to touch her.
In short what makes me happier being with her or having my expectations come true.

My experience was different

Interesting article, and I recognize it's true for many men. I feel fortunate in the sense that I seem to have had the right formula for finding love from the start. It never even occurred to me to try to use a method and say the right things, etc. Instead, I've always enjoyed having women as friends. Even in grade school most of my friends were girls. I had boy friends too, but my deepest friendships were with girls, even in grade school. And when you threw sex into the mix in my late teens, it made everything that much more interesting!

Perhaps this prepared me for finding love and female soul mates in college. I had more dating girlfriends than I could handle, even at a university were men outnumbered women 5-to-1 at the time.

Perhaps that's the key? Apparently it was for me. Look at women as potential great friends first, with the sexual attractiveness as just icing on the cake.

This is not new

I hope you are familiar with Erich Fromm's The Art of Loving, where he explains that love is a skill that needs practice rather than a gift of nature that is arbitrarily bestowed.

Fromm also said that it is impossible to love a single person without loving the whole of humanity, a notion I have always found hard to grasp in theory. Yet since I have tried to love all beings I find that he is right - it does help in building the empathy that helps maintain relationships.

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Ken Page, L.C.S.W., is a New York based psychotherapist, author and lecturer specializing in the search for intimacy. His insights about the search for love have been featured frequently in the media. more...

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