Finding Love

A new map of the path to intimacy

From Demeaning Rules to Intimacy Tools: A Wiser Path to Love

Valentines Day can be a challenging day for single people. But it can become a day of hope--if we resolve to ignore the bankrupt dating advice foisted upon us and finally align our search for love with the tools of real intimacy. The following three suggestions may fly in the face of most everything you've learned about dating--but they lead to real love. Read More

Never Give Up

Bravo! Thank you for sharing such a healthy, sensible perspective. Your excellent, concise article was an uplifting Valentine. Kindness, consistency and availability - the mantra for real love.

I enjoyed your article and

I enjoyed your article and reading about attractions of deprivation versus attractions of inspiration. I truly wish, however, that the love you describe not be limited to a partner. I think it takes courage to open oneself to love in general, whether that love is for life, interests, hobbies, friends, acquaintances, a partner, a lover etc. Maybe you are writing this post for Valentine's day so you are focusing on partners. A person can also seek love while being single. There can be love while being "single". There is an implication that to be "single" is to be without love which I think fuels the unhealthy search you describe. A person can seek to build a good and meaningful life with another (person, hobby etc.) in many ways while being single (with or without a partner). A good and meaningful life with love can rest on many kinds of partnerships. I would like to find a partner and see where this relationship takes me. But I want to be open to being "single" while being with a partner. This opens the door to having love with a partner, to love with life, to love with a hobby, to love with pursuit of ideas and knowledge. Why should love be limited to one kind of connection and this burden placed on one other person? We all need to be "single and alone" whether we have built a good and meaningful life with a partner or not. I think this gives room to doing away with stereotypes that people who are single are afraid of intimacy, are lonely, need to be partnered up, can not be alone, must not die alone, have to be with someone so they are not lonely. Just finding a partner doesn't guarantee intimacy. Intimacy can be cultivated in many ways and this can be brought into the connection with a partner.

What a wonderful way to

What a wonderful way to describe living a full life and it would be great if more people approached life this way. However, I do think that if someone wants a life partner he/ she needs to do deeper soul searching to find that partner and build a loving life with that person as opposed to following a passion that can bring a different form of love.

Is settling into a loveless

Is settling into a loveless relationship better than giving up? It isn't for me.

I agree

I certainly agree, and hope my post didn't intimate that it was.

Thanks for this great post.

Thanks for this great post. As someone feeling especially single this Valentine's Day, I really appreciated your uplifting and positive message. Thanks again.

thanks so much!

I was hoping this post could offer that. Thanks for letting me know.

Fantastic article and spot on!

Your analysis of kindness and openness in relationships is accurate and insightful. Thank you for this excellent article! I'm sharing it with my clients.

thanks for the insight and encouragement

I opened this article while I was right in the midst of that urge to flee from a guy I've known for a long time who is heating things up a bit right now. I don't have that immediate attraction I've had with others, and he's a really nice guy (at least so far) so the flee impulse came on really strong. He asked me to go out for a second time in 3 days and I gave him a noncommittal answer at first, then read your article. I then decided to go ahead and see him again and wait for the flee impulse to pass (I sure hope it does) so I can see if he really may be the right person for me. Thanks again for a great article!

Wonderful!

That's great. don't force yourself to go further in any way than you want, but do allow yourself to enjoy him, take pleasure in the things you are attracted to, and just get to know him more. Chances are great that if its a good match, the wave will pass, and you'll have a much clearer sense. Let us know!

good luck

Very inspiring

As someone who has been in a chronic singlehood and has finally in my mid 40s decided that I want a life parter, it is very encouraging to read your articles. It is easy to let thoughts like "maybe its too late for me" creep in my head but then I try to brush them off and remind myself that the important thing is to be true to myself and open- as long as I don't shut myself off to love, I still have a chance.

Very inspiring

As someone who has been in a chronic singlehood and has finally in my mid 40s decided that I want a life parter, it is very encouraging to read your articles. It is easy to let thoughts like "maybe its too late for me" creep in my head but then I try to brush them off and remind myself that the important thing is to be true to myself and open- as long as I don't shut myself off to love, I still have a chance.

Great article. It is my

Great article. It is my natural personality to kind. I live my life by being true to myself. I speak and feel from the soul. In my experience, this has scared off several guys that I have dated. However, I feel my best when I live this way so I will continue to do so. The right person will come along and appreciate my openness and passionate side.

Finding Love

Thankyou so much for writing and publishing your article - to me it is life affirming. I am a man so please dont think it is only the female of our species that read and feel the words you wrote, expressing your true soul felt knowledge.

I would very much like to meet a soulmate for me to share my life and love with - in that sense l am not even sure finding love is the right term - we all have love inside us to give to others and especially to that special person we can truly let it all out with.

I am in my 40s and have recently come out of a relationship that went on for a few years - previous to that l was married and have children(who are almost grown up now. I left my last relationship because although was a lot of connection there and although l did care and love my partner, there was something not right and l didn't feel at peace. There were lots of things good about the relationship but l honestly wasn't at peace in myself. I had to listen to my own thoughts and feelings and not just care about what my partner and other people thought - l listened to my own heart.

Ultimately we must be true to our authentic selves and follow that path - in some ways it would have been easier to stay in the comfort of a relationship but in your article you have helped me see l can celebrate who l am for wanting to follow my heart, and although it is not always comfortable being single it is more important to be with the right person for you.

A question

"Have you ever started dating someone kind, available and consistent—and then gotten the sudden urge to flee? Most of us have felt that, and sadly, most of us do flee."

Why do we have that urge to flee and then we do flee??

SELF ESTEEM AND DATING

My problem now, at 65, is I started this online dating thing. I think my self esteem is taking a beating, and I have had a problem with my self esteem all my life. I get few responses to my profile, I meet women who I have not a clue what they want. I finally meet someone I really like, and turns out she is a widow who lost her husband 5 months ago, and can fall apart from weeping in seconds flat. I get more depressed, especially when I do go on a date, and never hear from that person. There are times when I feel like just giving up, like in the pit of my stomach, the air seems to just go out my balloon. I am really tired of feeling this way, and I am kind, and nice, to people I meet all the time, Nothing works.

Thank you John

Hi John,

Thanks so much for your comment. I'm sorry that I don't have more information bout your previous history, which of course couldn't be obtained in this forum, but I'm very touched by what you described and I know you're not the only one to feel this way.

If there's anything you can learn from your past--patterns that haven't worked, etc, please look at those and see if any of them might be blocking you.

Perhaps this wonderful woman who is at a time when she is still grieving, might be worth your friendship and pateince if she also has interest in you.

Apart from that, please don't give up hope. If you are learning about yourself and finding your own intimacy lessons as you look for love, you're on a good road. If there's not a growing sense of learning, try to find a way to bring that into your search

good luck!

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Ken Page, L.C.S.W., is a New York based psychotherapist, author and lecturer specializing in the search for intimacy. His insights about the search for love have been featured frequently in the media. more...

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